By Glenn and Jake
a way we are all Archie Williams of the infamous Archie Comics. We
face difficult choices every day that can effect our lives forever. For
Archie, it’s choosing between two beautiful women, for us, it’s
choosing between using a gun or a noose for our inevitable suicide. The
suicide debate will have to wait until another day because the age old
question of “Betty or Veronica?” takes precedent today. At the end of
the debate you, the reader, will be able to finally escape the love
triangle that has imprisoned you for so long.
The Betty-Archie-Veronica love triangle is the longest running love
triangle in American history. It, like our involvement in WWII, began
in 1942. To further this analogy, I would describe Archie as Josef
Stalin’s Soviet Union, Veronica as Adolf Hitler’s Germany and Betty as
Franklin Roosevelt’s United States. Just as we saw Stalin first fall
for the lure of a nonaggression pact with Germany, Archie was excited
for the beautiful and rich Veronica. Then, after having his heart
broken by her and her siege of Leningrad, Archie decided to form a
dating alliance with girl next door Betty instead. This was the right
decision and only through Archie following his heart were the Allies
able to defeat European fascism - only to see it rise again in America
70 years later. Archie, choose Betty and stay with Betty. It might be
the only hope the US has for its fledgling democracy.
Betty or Veronica? This is a question that Americans have been
pontificating on for decades. First, we should take into account that
they are both nothing more than drawings on paper. Does this mean we
cannot be sexually attracted to them? No, of course not. We live in
America, where we have the freedom to do anything we want. If you want
to go to a seedy part of town and give a homeless man a gasoline enema,
then do it. If you want to fuck a cartoon, who is going to stop you?
Nobody. Veronica is superior to Betty in nearly every way. She’s a
better musician, her puns are funnier, she enjoys the better flavors of
malts, she would never give Reggie Mantle a handjob, etc. Of course,
with Glenn making so many references to World War II he would naturally
choose the Aryan woman. Typical Nazi.
Do not accuse of being a Nazi because I supported an analogy that led
to the defeat of Nazism and work hard to counter the
rise of American fascism. I work almost as hard on stopping myself from
sexually fantasizing about comic book characters, but let me put on
Archie’s red hair and empathize. I would not fantasize about Veronica
because she is unattainable. Her hair is brunette, she comes from
wealth and she doesn’t care about anything other than her own selfish,
carnal desires. Betty, however, is beautiful and down to Earth. She’s
someone I could see myself with if her options were very limited and/or I
was desperately craving female attention. I want the same for Archie
that I want for myself: enduring happiness with someone who will never
think less of you for growing up on a farm and having two black birth
Archie would be perfectly happy with either Betty or Veronica.
Veronica is old money, so she may not be able to completely relate to
his socioeconomic status, but she has a heart literally made of gold
(see: Betty and Veronica Double Digest 122). Betty is a bit aloof, and
Archie, like myself, needs a woman with a mind like the crack of a whip.
Betty would be perfectly fine sitting in shotgun in Archie’s jalopy
all day, cruising around Riverdale, but Veronica needs more out of life.
She is in tune with the finer things in life and could teach Archie of
culture. Being wealthy is hardly a negative thing. I would love to
have enough money as to where I would not have to clip coupons just to
afford the off-brand dental dams. Archie deserves to enrich his life
with opera and taste a drink that, for a change, is not malted. Betty
would probably order a glass of champagne to be malted! Neither Betty
or Veronica is a particularly bad choice, though. They are the two
kinds of woman that exist: white and brunette and white and blond. It
really just depends on your preference of the two types of natural hair
I think it’s about more than just hair. This love triangle, this
debate, these lives that we lead are about finding happiness in the
healthiest way possible. I was remiss in not responding to the obscene
implication you made about Betty. She never gave Reggie Mantle a
handjob nor would she ever fellate Mr. Weatherbee in his office for the
purposes of blackmailing him at a later date. When Archie is ready to
explore his sexuality he will probably end up having unprotected sex
with Jughead and when he is further ready to explore his gender he is
more likely to take Betty as a model in his transition into womanhood.
That makes this debate somewhat moot, but as Archie, like you and I,
maintain the facade of our lives as heterosexual men he is best served
with someone like Betty. Red hair makes a great beard.
Your accusation of Archie being a homosexual is unfounded and base.
Archie is more heterosexual than you, me and Dupree--he juggles two
beautiful women like they are chainsaws and he’s a rock-bottom magician
on a boardwalk. Archie and the rest of the Riverdale gang is an
idealized version of America. The kind of America in which people like
David Duke, Dick Cheney and Pat Sajak would love to live. No blacks, no
gays, the only time anybody gets on their knees it’s for prayer,
everybody eats hamburgers all day long and nobody ever gains a pound or
ages inappropriately fast as a result of the toxins in the tainted beef,
cars look like they were just invented--it’s a wonderland for
old-fashioned thinking. While Veronica fits into that idealized version
of this country, Betty fits into it much more. Betty is still
attending sock hops, while the rest of the world has left socks behind
and haven’t hopped since the economic crisis hit. Veronica has stayed
wealthy due to wise investment, while Betty will forever be perpetually
poor no matter how many handjobs Reggie buys from her. Betty spends
money like Veronica saves money. Glenn would, of course, choose Betty
over Veronica because he is irresponsible (this choice is the proof).
Veronica is the kind of woman you marry, and Betty is the kind of woman
you are embarrassed to admit you made love to while under the influence
of sodium pentathol. Plus, Betty is syphilitic.