Debate: Betty or Veronica?

By Glenn and Jake

In a way we are all Archie Williams of the infamous Archie Comics.  We face difficult choices every day that can effect our lives forever.  For Archie, it’s choosing between two beautiful women, for us, it’s choosing between using a gun or a noose for our inevitable suicide.  The suicide debate will have to wait until another day because the age old question of “Betty or Veronica?” takes precedent today.  At the end of the debate you, the reader, will be able to finally escape the love triangle that has imprisoned you for so long.



Glenn: The Betty-Archie-Veronica love triangle is the longest running love triangle in American history.  It, like our involvement in WWII, began in 1942.  To further this analogy, I would describe Archie as Josef Stalin’s Soviet Union, Veronica as Adolf Hitler’s Germany and Betty as Franklin Roosevelt’s United States.  Just as we saw Stalin first fall for the lure of a nonaggression pact with Germany, Archie was excited for the beautiful and rich Veronica.  Then, after having his heart broken by her and her siege of Leningrad, Archie decided to form a dating alliance with girl next door Betty instead.  This was the right decision and only through Archie following his heart were the Allies able to defeat European fascism - only to see it rise again in America 70 years later.  Archie, choose Betty and stay with Betty.  It might be the only hope the US has for its fledgling democracy.  



Jake:  Betty or Veronica?  This is a question that Americans have been pontificating on for decades.  First, we should take into account that they are both nothing more than drawings on paper.  Does this mean we cannot be sexually attracted to them?  No, of course not.  We live in America, where we have the freedom to do anything we want.  If you want to go to a seedy part of town and give a homeless man a gasoline enema, then do it.  If you want to fuck a cartoon, who is going to stop you?  Nobody.  Veronica is superior to Betty in nearly every way.  She’s a better musician, her puns are funnier, she enjoys the better flavors of malts, she would never give Reggie Mantle a handjob, etc.  Of course, with Glenn making so many references to World War II he would naturally choose the Aryan woman.  Typical Nazi.



Glenn:  Do not accuse of being a Nazi because I supported an analogy that led to the defeat of Nazism and work hard to counter the rise of American fascism.  I work almost as hard on stopping myself from sexually fantasizing about comic book characters, but let me put on Archie’s red hair and empathize.  I would not fantasize about Veronica because she is unattainable.  Her hair is brunette, she comes from wealth and she doesn’t care about anything other than her own selfish, carnal desires.  Betty, however, is beautiful and down to Earth.  She’s someone I could see myself with if her options were very limited and/or I was desperately craving female attention.  I want the same for Archie that I want for myself: enduring happiness with someone who will never think less of you for growing up on a farm and having two black birth parents.




Jake:  Archie would be perfectly happy with either Betty or Veronica.  Veronica is old money, so she may not be able to completely relate to his socioeconomic status, but she has a heart literally made of gold (see: Betty and Veronica Double Digest 122).  Betty is a bit aloof, and Archie, like myself, needs a woman with a mind like the crack of a whip.  Betty would be perfectly fine sitting in shotgun in Archie’s jalopy all day, cruising around Riverdale, but Veronica needs more out of life.  She is in tune with the finer things in life and could teach Archie of culture.  Being wealthy is hardly a negative thing.  I would love to have enough money as to where I would not have to clip coupons just to afford the off-brand dental dams.  Archie deserves to enrich his life with opera and taste a drink that, for a change, is not malted.  Betty would probably order a glass of champagne to be malted!  Neither Betty or Veronica is a particularly bad choice, though.  They are the two kinds of woman that exist: white and brunette and white and blond.  It really just depends on your preference of the two types of natural hair color.



Glenn:  I think it’s about more than just hair.  This love triangle, this debate, these lives that we lead are about finding happiness in the healthiest way possible.  I was remiss in not responding to the obscene implication you made about Betty.  She never gave Reggie Mantle a handjob nor would she ever fellate Mr. Weatherbee in his office for the purposes of blackmailing him at a later date.  When Archie is ready to explore his sexuality he will probably end up having unprotected sex with Jughead and when he is further ready to explore his gender he is more likely to take Betty as a model in his transition into womanhood.  That makes this debate somewhat moot, but as Archie, like you and I, maintain the facade of our lives as heterosexual men he is best served with someone like Betty.  Red hair makes a great beard.



Jake:  Your accusation of Archie being a homosexual is unfounded and base.  Archie is more heterosexual than you, me and Dupree--he juggles two beautiful women like they are chainsaws and he’s a rock-bottom magician on a boardwalk.  Archie and the rest of the Riverdale gang is an idealized version of America.  The kind of America in which people like David Duke, Dick Cheney and Pat Sajak would love to live.  No blacks, no gays, the only time anybody gets on their knees it’s for prayer, everybody eats hamburgers all day long and nobody ever gains a pound or ages inappropriately fast as a result of the toxins in the tainted beef, cars look like they were just invented--it’s a wonderland for old-fashioned thinking.  While Veronica fits into that idealized version of this country, Betty fits into it much more.  Betty is still attending sock hops, while the rest of the world has left socks behind and haven’t hopped since the economic crisis hit.  Veronica has stayed wealthy due to wise investment, while Betty will forever be perpetually poor no matter how many handjobs Reggie buys from her.  Betty spends money like Veronica saves money.  Glenn would, of course, choose Betty over Veronica because he is irresponsible (this choice is the proof).  Veronica is the kind of woman you marry, and Betty is the kind of woman you are embarrassed to admit you made love to while under the influence of sodium pentathol.  Plus, Betty is syphilitic. 

3 comments:

  1. Jake wins this one on points - his closing argument made me lol AND brought a tear to my eye! (Both for admitting under sodium pentathol that I made love to Betty, once, during WWII...). Great debate fellas!

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  2. This is one of my favorite debates that we've done. Glenn and I are both at our best.

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