I've Died And Gone To The Mall

By Bub

I recently took my daughter to Dollar Heaven at the mall.  Everything, including eternal salvation, costs a dollar there.  It's a great place to trick children into thinking they're being rewarded - they can literally pick out anything in the store they want.  From sun-tan lotion to off-brand containers of allspice, they can have it all for one low price!  And with the amazing array of goods we found, you'd have to be a soul-less ghoul not to accept the dollar as your lord and pray everyday that when you die you'll be lucky enough to go to - DOLLAR HEAVEN!!!!!

We found a magic mop that an omnipotent Panda God uses to paint rainbows that span the entire world.  Don't be fooled by the rainbow colored dust brushes you see in the picture that you would think to be the product advertised on the label, the 'global brush' inexplicably is the mop pictured at bottom.  It is not the family-cleaning, multifarious-color-inducing dynamic 'brush' the cummerbund-ed bear would have you believe, it is very same generic, malaise-grey-hued mop you would find crusted, crying to itself in the corner of the darkened quarter-booths room at your local adult book store.

It was casual Friday at the pictured businessman's place of business.

Then there were flip-flops that sarcastically congratulate you for wearing them.

And 'Kid's Magic Gloves' that magically have a place for all five fingers!  They help children to count, awkwardly, and to remember the alphabet up to the letter 'C'.

The designer of this product sent a cryptic plea in word-bubble-sticker form.

 This game is not as challenging as Monopoly, still, harder than you think to cook that one clove of garlic with only serving plates...

 ...especially when there is 'no off' power option on the stove.

This 'modern and elegant in fashion' kitchen play set comes with a refrigerator, wok, and cooking-themed red security button for ordering pretend retaliatory nuclear strikes...

 ... it comes hightly recommend...

...and the refrigerator is funny and happy!...

 ...all in all it is the best gift for children!!!

A close second is this play set of articles household which of course is modern and elegant in fashion.

 It features the unlikely combo of 1st class shampoo...

...and every kid's favorite, super coal gas.

This kitchenware toy set boasts a feature that seems more likely found in Japanese robot pornography. 

 Jenni, having seen better days, has been reduced to sleeping under a parasol in a folding chair and living out of an armoire she keeps on the beach.

The official kazoo of America's premier live kazooing competition television program.

 Indeed from lazer-gun to triceratops to fish bones to butterfly, every styles is fully wonderful.

Milk or juice, or mercury-tainted blood suspended in a floating glob.

Unclear if this is describing the emotional state of having a sweet kid, or if this cradle is sized for a sweet kid or whatever a loveliness baby is.

 The American Mills company mills their oven mittens in the far eastern rust belt states of Pakistan and China.

 This bag containing smaller bags with pictures of humvees on them admonishes us that it is not a toy; implying that the smaller bags within with pictures of humvees on them are, in fact, toys.

For when you can't let them know you're thanking them from dry land.

A mousepad for the home-office of a serial killer.

 Greatest dads wear black collared white shirts.  A runaway photo would defeat the purpose of of this product.  Tucking in a gift card at the top of the pouch reveals a startling message to dad when he removes it.

A commemorative photo of the South African soccer team from the 1990 Apartheid Games.

 A holdover from my last visit to Dollar Heaven - this New York souvenir of Hawaii.

 Eight months ago I found Wall-E push pop from 2008 on sale.  This package of rip-off King Kong movie gummies is several years older than that.

And with that I knew it was time for us to check out at Dollar Heaven.  Still it was terribly enjoyable, you'll be happy to know that I am enjoying it right now - as I type this I am kazooing with a mouthful of rancid gummies, wearing nothing but business socks and magic gloves!   Dollar Heaven is the closest thing to the popular conception of heaven that actually exists.  I hope you enjoyed our excursion to Dollar Heaven as much as we did. I'll see you all at Dollar Mosque next Friday!!!


  1. I love this! I hope Iris is enjoying all of her great new toys like the humvee bags.

  2. Hooray for American Mills! Finally bringing some jobs back to Pakistan.

  3. I will never enter another Dollar Mosque without searching for your wit and humor!

  4. Bub, i really enjoyed this! anthony and alexa did as well. although i am not a serial killer i would love to have a mousepad of a yellow santa chuckin up the deuces.

  5. These Dollar Store trips are my favorite articles ANYWHERE.


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