Your Reality Feeds My Narcissism

By Ali

It’s a beautiful day, to talk about myself! As I go on-and on about the time in a college course, and a girl sitting behind me refuses to let me contribute to discussions without her having a couple cents, amounting to seventeen dollars and some change, of self recognition, you roll your eyes thinking, “why did I ask her to be my friend...”

You see, the thing is, I love that Nirvana song, when Curt warbles “I love myself better than you.”  I always think, if you met me, you would love me equally, or more than I  love myself at that moment, but as soon as you leave my presence, I love myself while thinking about how impressive I was to your life. What a blessing it is to be me.  The phonies hate those who got it all figured out, with an impressive resume loaded with great references of those who liked me, because I loved myself so much at all the various volunteer locations.
Because, y’all, money isn’t everything. I once saw a man with no teeth and a couple metal detectors looking for change at an abandoned playground.  Upon meeting him, I started to explain my goal of assessing the playground for a Facility Management Course, and he swiftly responded via hand gestures, No ears, No mouth.  He was clearly more insane than I am, and I marveled at that fact.  How did he get so many metal detectors? Could I buy one from him for 5 bucks? I bet I could make a better turn out than he could. Most impressive, he had a jar filled with Windex, sanitizing his found treasures.  I smiled for a goodbye, and loved myself for doing it.

I recently saw a two dollar bill, and my friend was trying to find the spider in the web, like it is on the dollar bill as well, and I just let him sit there staring at currency thinking, “my goodness, I need so much more than this in my day.” His reality was really bumming me out.

Self respect is a necessary aspect to any job. As I am currently a waitress, I get a lot of guff from weirdos trying to disrespect me and my temporary daily chores while working like a dog.  If you feel the need to tell me, “We’re going to throw away four pizzas when we get home” and I say, Whaaaat? How could you? And you respond,”oh nothing you don’t get it at all”, and your pink-ball cap wearing wife throws her head back and laughs like a jackal.  That’s cool dude, but you forgot one thing, I don’t give a shit if you drive a Lexus because I knew a guy who threw a cup of urine through a Lexus’ sunroof at the mall, and I hope it was yours.

Overall, I think you get my point. If not, I will spoon feed it to you.  My world is better when you talk about your stuff because your eye contact reminds me that I am being given attention.  I wonder where I put my iPod so I can upload all of my songs onto my iphone.

I, I, I ,I, I, You? Wait…me me me me me me me me me me. Yes. I did.


  1. Remember when we were by the river, and i asked the bikers, "you ride'n Ragbrai?" and jake was like, "i don't even know what that is."

  2. I thought it was like "riding bitch" on a motorcycle.

  3. I love the question "How did he get so many metal detectors?"! I'm going to try to use that as a rhetorical answer to future unanswerable question! Q - What happened before the big bang? A - How did that crazy guy get so many metal detectors!? Q-Who killed Nicole Brown Simpson? A-How did ...


  5. wow, i just found this girl on YouTube, i wonder if it's the same one who wrote this article!?