By Jake and Glenn
are the most popular mode of transportation for closeted homosexuals
and conservative dads. What makes them so popular and conversely so
dangerous? Just ask Evel Kinevel, he died driving his motorcycle into
building 7 of the World Trade Center. This week Jake and Glenn,
famously pictured below, debate motorcycles while riding motorcycles on
famous Route 66 highway in United States of America.
If a car is a horseless buggy, then a motorcycle is a horseless horse.
Even the concept of a motorcycle is a ludicrous. A bicycle isn’t good
enough for a motorcyclist, a car isn’t good enough, an airplane, hang
glider and parachute/fan backpack combo aren’t good enough. The only
thing good enough for a motorcyclist is the “steel horse,” as Jon Bon
Jovi referred to it. Bikers are elitist scum. They are like your
friend who only listens to political punk and doesn’t own a TV, except
they are racists and homophobic. Cyclists are world class trash and
must be stopped at any cost. “Start seeing motorcycles”? No, start
I have not seen such levels of vitriol released against an innocent
group of people since the recent protests by some Muslims against the
United States of America. Clearly my esteemed opponent, for all the
time he spent playing Excite Bike for NES in the late 80s has never
spent time on a real motorcycle. I have and I am here to say they are
AWESOME. When I got my first motorcycle at age 16, everyone told me it
was dangerous but what they didn’t tell me was how fun it would be. I
used to pull into my parking spot in the lot in front of my high school
with the wind blowing through my hair and my Stone Cold Steve Austin
decal on the back of my bike. Girls couldn’t get enough of it then and
the exact same girls (now women) can’t get enough of it now.
Motorcycles maybe a good way to get girls, but it’s not the type of
girls you can bring home to mother. Being the “momma’s boy” that I am,
this makes this point moot. The kind of women that I want to attract
have glasses, tattoos and all of Dashboard Confessional’s albums on
vinyl. Motorcycles are fine within the virtual space of video games--
as are aliens, bartering and running over pedestrians. Once you bring
any of those things into reality, then the problems start multiplying
like a wet t-shirt contest for gremlins. How many people do you know
that have been seriously injured or killed in motorcycle accidents? For
me it’s 37. Two of my brothers can no longer walk because they were
racing motorcycles across the desert and collided with cacti. My wife’s
grandmother died in a motorcycle accident just last week. Motorcycles
aren’t safe and they certainly aren’t kosher.
Would motorcycles be safer if, like literal “hogs,” their throats were
slit and trachea/esophagus ripped out by blessed Jews? Of course! But
cars are also dangerous and are the #1 killer of people aged 3-55.
That is a statistic I learned in my mandatory drivers education class
the state of Florida is forcing me to take after committing a moving
violation in a car. I
never would have been caught by the police if I made that same
violation in a motorcycle. They’re fucking fast and you can drive down
alleys to escape police cars, angry tea party protestors or whoever
might be chasing you in a normal sized automobile. The most famous
movie of my generation, Easy Rider, features motorcycles heavily. I
admit this probably has something to do with my love of hogs (and
Steppenwolf). By the same token though doesn’t your affinity for Cars 2
bias you in favor of the four wheeled killer?
My love for “Cars 2,” and to a lesser extent “Cars,” has nothing to do
with my burning hatred for motorcycles. My favorite movie of all time,
“Wild Hogs,” is about motorcycles. It is really funny! Nothing is
funnier or more vile than a motorcycle. My favorite professional
wrestlers rode motorcycles to the ring (The Road Warriors managed by
Paul Ellering and Rocco and the Undertaker). My two most hated
wrestlers drove a car to the ring (Greg Valentine and The Honky Tonk
Man). Motorcycles are more dangerous than cars because they lack
protection. Furthermore, you cannot sleep inside of a motorcycle if you
have a run of bad luck. Imagine that you lost your house and you just
found out that you are suffering from diabetes. Where are you going to
sleep? What are you going to do to keep your insulin levels sustained?
These are the questions that must be answered when one owns a
motorcycle. Thank you.
If you have diabetes you should not be on a motorcycle and further
should probably not be outside of your home. It is simply too
dangerous. No one who owns a motorcycle has ever become homeless and
forced to sleep in his/her car. Maybe that’s because these bikes are a
vanity purchase for aging emo dads or because owning one shows that you
are very cautious with your money and only make wise investments.
Whatever the reason you ride motorcycles, you are awesome for doing it.
When I left my first wife and children, I got on my hog, revved the
engine and drove away knowing I would never be trapped again. Bikes are
the only way men can truly be free. It’s either ride a bike or kill
your whole family and put Bibles next to their bodies. Your choice.