Debate: Alyssa Milano

By Glenn and Jake

Alyssa Milano is not what most of us in the entertainment industry consider a “hot commodity” right now.  She is looking right into age 40 and hasn’t been on a hit TV show since, arguably, “Charmed.”  At one point she was the hottest female actress in Hollywood but now a fierce debate rages among “Milanos” (her online community) about her place in the modern media landscape.  OYIT’s Jake has been watching back episodes of “Charmed” lately and Glenn has for over thirty years been an expert on young actresses - who better than to debate Alyssa Milano?

Glenn: I simply do not care for Alyssa Milano.  The two shows she is most famous for are Who’s the Boss? and Charmed.  These are shows for teen girls and strong women, respectively.  I am not a Men’s Rights Advocate though - I enjoy plenty of other shows for women, such as Mad Men and Dr. Whom.  Her performance as the working class teen Samantha on Who’s the Boss was weak, especially compared to the clearly gay Danny Pintauro who played Judith Light’s son.  Her acting did not get much better in the Mark Wahlberg vehicle “Fear” though she was raped in it (which I condemn).  Finally, she was in the truly terrible Poison Ivy 2.  We have previously debated this film and I stand by my argument it is not worth watching.  She has never been worth watching in anything she has done.  Thank you and please do not sue me.


Jake:  You glossed over the most important fact about Alyssa Milano: she is strikingly beautiful.  She was our first crush as Samantha on “Who’s the Boss?,” our second crush as Marian Delario in the feature film “Double Dragon,” and then our fourth crush (Mariah Carey was third) when we realized that actors play characters in film and television.  Alyssa Milano is the ideal woman.  She has over two million twitter followers, designs her own line of sportswear for women and her body is tighter than the latest 2 Chainz record.  She has been a TV mainstay since we were children.  Glenn can write her off as having only two roles, but don’t forget about her 40 episode turn in “Melrose Place,” her 10 episode turn in “My Name is Earl,” and her upcoming series “Mistresses” coming to ABC.  She is accomplished in a way Glenn and I will never personally know.

Glenn:  I agree that I will never do as much with my life as she has.  I am not famous, no one has ever lusted for me and I’ve never had to show my breasts on a wretched film like Poison Ivy 2.  Of course we used to have crushes on her in the 80s - we had little penises that we didn’t understand but the one thing that grabbed us by the throat and autoerotically suffocated us to the point of arousal was the idea of kissing Alyssa while Judith Light emasculated Tony Danza in the next room.  What’s not attractive about her is her dyslexia. She cannot read and also dated Christian reactionary Kirk Cameron when she was 13.  These are BAD things.  Here is also a list of direct-to-video movies she made in the 90s: Deadly Sins, Embrace of the Vampire, Glory Daze, Below Utopia.  I’ve seen every movie in the iMDB top 250 yet I’ve never even heard of them.  Perhaps her poor acting doomed them to the iMDB bottom 250?  I do not know because I have never watched any of those films.  


Jake:  Her acting is not bad.  The movies she had to make in the mid-90s were, of course, terrible.  This is what a TV star trying to break into the movies had to do before the Upright Citizens Brigade and Adam McKay took over the Hollywood comedy scene, even making a star out of the absolutely terrible Christina Applegate.  The problem with the roles that Alyssa Milano took were that she is not suited for middling thrillers and b-horror movies, she is perfectly suited and pixie-cute enough for romantic comedies.  Alyssa Milano made some bad choices when it came to choosing movie roles.  Now, she has settled into adulthood and doesn’t shy away from taking excellent television roles.  Her career follows a similar trajectory of the professional wrestler Charles Wright.  He was a hit character as Papa Shango and then did middling work as Kama Mustafa before becoming a mega-star as The Godfather.

Glenn:  Another thing she has in common with Charles Wright is that she’s not on television anymore, for which the failed state of America is better off.  I don’t want to blame Alyssa Milano entirely for America’s decline but she certainly plays a part in it.  Her website is full of self indulgent garbage: pictures of her, a blog about being a mother, contact information, etc.  Also I cannot confirm this but I have heard rumors on the internets that she is a Scientologist and supported the Sri Lankan Army’s murderous assault on the Tamil Tigers/people in 2009.  There are plenty of talented actresses who cannot get the recognition they deserve while Alyssa Milano holds “their spot” in Hollywood and while she refuses to give back the Golden Globe she stole in 1999 “for” Charmed.  America please stop buying Alyssa Milano calendars and commemorative magazines put out by People with her on the cover.  Thank you and please do not sue me.


Jake: Your point is all over the place.  It contains more contradictions than “The Bible”--which has none.  Alyssa Milano is not on TV (soon to be not true), but she is holding another actress’ spot keeping them from not being on TV?  That makes less sense than your erotic “Tiny Toons” fan fiction written in hieroglyphics.  You denounce her for being a Scientologist (also not true), but you famously have been quoted as saying that Xenu is “the one true god.”  Alyssa Milano is a beautiful angel and should be treated as such.  It is a crime that she only won one Golden Globe for her turn in “Charmed.”  Her acting in that TV program is second to none.  If you don’t believe me, then look at a picture of her exposed stomach from any episode.  If your penis does not grow curiously hard, then you have no business calling yourself an openly bisexual male.  Alyssa Milano is wonderful and you should buy her calendars, commemorative plates and donate to PETA on her behalf.

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