By Jake and Glenn
lot of people get confused when it comes to natural deodorant. “Isn’t
that for hippies?” they say in the aisle of the market to nobody. No,
hippies don’t wear deodorant. They rub LSD into their armpits and
really relate to the lyrics of “Magic Carpet Ride.” Those who use
natural deodorant run the gamut of women all the way to naturalists and
back to people afraid of aluminum. Are you one of these people? You
just might be after reading this debate.
Natural deodorant is awful. I wear it exclusively and it does not
work. I usually smell, at best, like a clean dildo. Yet, I support the
use of natural deodorant. The aluminum in un-natural deodorant is
perhaps a cause of cancer and may
make your body absorb HIV through toilet seats and door knobs. I don’t
know all of the facts, but I do know that my wife would be mad at me if
I used the kind of deodorant that people who don’t smell like shit use.
That is a good enough reason for me. And the cancer prevention is
just gravy--by which I mean it’s made using corn starch, probably.
For once, I strongly agree with you: natural deodorant is awful. It
doesn’t work and for people like me, questioning their sexuality with
hyperactive sweat glands, using it would be a worse experience than
browsing the pages of eHarmony. Regular deodorant is fine! For the
last twenty-six years of my life I have used Old Spice High Endurance.
It is a blue stick that I rub on my underarms and taint every day to
prevent sweating. Far from giving me a disease, it has probably
prevented contraction of numerous sweat-based infections like spina
bifida. It smells good and smelling good is a key ingredient for
attracting a sexual partner. Alas, I do not know any of the other
ingredients, which is why I remain a beautiful smelling virgin.
I have to disagree with you on your point that smelling good is a key
ingredient of attracting a sexual partner. I just read the book “Bonk:
The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex” by Mary Roach, and she quoted a
study saying that women did not respond sexually (meaning their
clitorises were not engorged with blood) to the scent of cologne. Old
Spice High Endurance has the active ingredient of Aluminum zirconium
trichlorohydrex Gly 17%. This ingredient is dangerous when absorbed
into the skin. It can lead to Alzheimer's, which is a disease that
afflicted the great American heroes Ronald Reagan and Michael J. Fox.
We should pay homage to our fallen heroes by using natural deodorant
and stop the spread of Alzheimer’s disease.
You will never hear me say a foul word about Ronald Reagan or question
his version of the Iran-Contra scandal, but I do not think the “Big
Dipper” (as they called him) used natural deodorant. I think he
probably used whatever Nancy bought for him, since she did the grocery
shopping at Safeway even as the First Lady. But we shouldn’t let this
debate, like so many others, get derailed by asking ourselves “What
Would Reagan Do?” I checked a website that said certain deodorants by
Dove or Secret contain chemicals that could be hazardous. You know the
most hazardous chemical of all? Mercury, which is in vaccines, which
cause autism. If I had received the sweating vaccine when I was 11
maybe I wouldn’t be a virgin now and maybe I wouldn’t have to use Old
Spice High Endurance to “endure” the pain of being alone.
course Ronald Reagan never used natural deodorant. He was a real man,
unlike me. Though, if he had he would be alive today, calling Obama
racial slurs and joining in on many of the school shootings that the GOP
organizes as a protest against gun control. If you would just switch
to a natural deodorant, you might be able to attract a same-sex sexual
partner. The pheromones that are masked by your Old Spice High
Endurance deodorant are what makes the boys go crazy. I want nothing
more than for you to feel the pleasures of the flesh, but it just isn’t
going to happen as long as you keep using non-green deodorant. And no
amount of “High Endurance” deodorant is going to cover up the smell of
your flatulence that you get from eating raw veggies and hummus for
lunch every day.
Now that I have been sufficiently humiliated by my opponent revealing
all my greatest flaws, it is time to end this debate harshly: using
natural deodorant is a complete waste of time and money. Anyone who uses
it should be forced to watch the trailer for the new Die Hard movie 30
times in a row - a fate I consider much worse than death. The
"compounds" in natural D do not stop you from sweating though they will
prevent you from being taken seriously at your low skill, high wage job.
When organizations were foolish enough to entrust me with management
capabilities I always fired the sweatiest person on day one to send a
message: either use real deordant or sweat in the fiery pits of hell aka
the unemployment line.