2013 Oscar Predictions

By Jake and Glenn

For the fifth year in a row, we now predict the results of this year’s Best Picture race at the 2013 Bi-Annual Academy Awards this Sunday.  Some say our prediction article is as much of a Hollywood tradition as the awards themselves!  This year’s crop is the most controversial since 1976’s Taxi Driver/120 Days of Sodom/Rocky battle, which means ratings will certainly skyrocket - bolstered even further if a right-wing reactionary shows up with a gun to commit a mass shooting.  Now Jake and Glenn will shoot Cupid’s arrows towards the movie that was the best of 2012.

Jake says... This movie’s title means “love.”

Glenn says... While no one knows what this title means, we do know one thing: this movie a romance!

Jake says... After Ben Affleck was left off of the best director nominations, “Argo” has been sweeping all of the awards.  It even beat HHH out for a Slammy, and HHH doesn’t lose to anyone.  If whoever wins, including “Argo,” doesn’t say “Argo fuck yourself” at the podium then there is just no reason for the Oscars to happen this year.

Glenn says... Argo is one of two historical films released this year - three, if you count Silver Linings Playbook, which meticulously chronicles me falling in love with Jennifer Lawrence.  It is a movie that portrays the revolutionaries of Iran in a negative light so must be condemned.  The Academy is sure to earn a fatwa if they award it Best Picture.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Jake says... This movie is about a little girl living in post-Katrina New Orleans and fighting monsters.  My friend Beth cried during this.  If this could melt her charred black heart, then it can melt anybody’s.

Glenn says... This is a new genre of filmed called “pseudo-realism” and features non-professional actors performing for 2 hours in front of a green screen.  The special effects were cool, but if a movie set in space was nominated for Best Picture it should have been Prometheus.  

Django Unchained
Jake says... Spike Lee refuses to see this movie because it uses the word “nigger” more than Michael Richards doing his world famous “Mr. Nigger” character.  Yet, this movie is a revenge fantasy (by a white man) about a slave killing slave owners.  Spike Lee might just be angry that his movies are fucking terrible.

Glenn says... I was not uncomfortable with the racial slurs uttered during this film, likely due to the fact I saw it as a double feature with Atlas Shrugged II: Keep Shruggin’, which had characters uttering offensive words much more often.  The question is: does the “controversy” surrounding this movie enough to stop it from winning Best Picture? The answer is: yes.

Here Comes the Boom
Jake says... This movie has a little bit of everything for the Kevin James fan.  Mostly it has Kevin James.  It’s about a teacher who has to fight MMA to save his school.  It’s pretty funny, but it has a lot of heart, too.  The heart of the movie is what appealed to the Oscar voting committee and it’s why it is the dark horse pick of the year.

Glenn says... When I saw the trailer for this film originally I thought “Another hackneyed
Kevin James vehicle where he’s fat and there’s farts but also a heart of gold.”  Turns out I was wrong - there aren’t any farts in the movie.

Les Miserables
Jake says... No movie nominated for Best Picture this year has more singing.  97% of the lines in this film are sung.  Is it jarring?  Sure.  Is it enjoyable?  Not really.  Anne Hathaway deserves to win for her wonderful performance as a dying whore.

Glenn says... This is by far the best movie about singing this year - behind only to Silver Linings Playbook and a video of AT&T store associates doing a meme video of Harlem Shakes.  

Jake says... More like “Linked In.”

Glenn says... More liberal Hollywood garbage, acting as if the South was on the wrong side of the Civil War and that conservatives, supporting slavery, were on the wrong side of history. Hello!!! Message to Hollywood: quit insulting conservatives if you want us to spend our hard earned money on your secular garbage.  Lincoln should definitely be considered this year’s frontrunner.  

Silver Linings Playbook
Jake says...I have tried to see this movie twice, but both times I didn’t end up seeing it.  I love Jennifer Lawrence and David O. Russell usually makes good movies.  I’m sure it’s good, but I know I won’t be voting for it.

Glenn says... As a hopeless romantic, I loved this movie and I hope my esteemed colleague Jake reconsiders his decision not to support it for Best Picture.  Jennifer Lawrence’s performance, besides putting her on my list of “Celebrities I Will Try To Impress By Killing Nancy Reagan,” will almost certainly win Best Actress and cause the rest of America to fall in love with her forever.  She is amazing, beautiful, funny and will be forcibly immortalized with vampire blood in the year 2015.  

Zero Dark Thirty
Jake says... This is the movie that glorifies torture, according to Spike Lee.  This is the second most controversial film nominated this year after “Django Unchained.”  I would love to see this movie, but I gave up celebrating torture for lent.

Glenn says... This is the movie that glorifies torture, according to Jane Mayer, Glenn Greenwald and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.  They’re all right, as usual, but the movie is more than that.  It’s also a mostly fictionalized version of what happened between 9/11/2001 and Osama bin Laden’s death.  The film portrays violent, radical islam in a negative light.  The Academy is sure to earn a jihad if they award it Best Picture.

Jake says...I know that it’s the dark horse pick, but I really see “Here Comes the Boom” winning.  Kevin James was brilliant and it is a travesty that he wasn’t nominated for best actor.  If “Here Comes the Boom” doesn’t win, then I would like to see “Argo” win, even though I didn’t love it.  It was good, but not great.  Plus, old people were talking during the movie!

Glenn says... This Sunday night at approximately 11:30pm when Roman Polanski announces the Best Picture winner, mouths across the country will drop in reaction to Silver Lining Playbook’s victory.  David Russell is the best director of our generation and this will be his time to shine.  This movie was a comedy and a drama, featuring Robert De Niro in his best performance since Meet the Parents and Bradley Cooper proving he has what it takes to become our generation’s Humphrey Bogart.  Jennifer Lawrence was fine.

1 comment:

  1. I love Django Unchained so much! Mosty because itso accurately depicts my own slave-revenge fantasy!! Argo & Lincoln were good, really want to see 'Beasts', can't get past the name 'Silver Linings Playbook'. I'm sure none of this years Oscar contenders were as good as this article!


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