Halloween is coming up, and you know what that means, young women dressed up like sexy cats. And even though that might sound great, in theory, Halloween can be a source of great anxiety to those of us who aren’t young women. Since September, you have probably been sitting in your shack, looking through all of the hottest Halloween catalogs for a jaw dropping costume that is sure to stop the 14 year-old girls in their tracks. Here you are, still costume-less and ready to pull one of the razor blades out of the apples and slide it from your wrist to your elbow. Fear not, youngsters, I am here to offer some hot tips for Halloween.
* If you plan on not dressing up for Halloween this year, simply tell anybody who asks you that you are dressing up as them for Halloween or tell them you’re going as a toilet.
* If you have children, take them to a chicken farm and tell them that a chicken’s cloaca is what human genitals are supposed to look like.
* If you decide to dress up, go as a character from your favorite 90s alternative song: Spoon Man, Heart Shaped Box, the Man in the Box, the Teen Spirit, the Sandman, Jeremy, or Jason Vaseline from Stone Temple Pilot’s smash hit.
* Smash Mouth haunted house
* Watch Dr. Giggles if you’re in the mood for a comedy and Season 2 of Mad About You if you’re in the mood to fall asleep.
* A rock opera based on Homies figurines. I know this isn’t a Halloween idea, but it is a pretty good idea nevertheless.
* Spooky Gangnam Style
* Hang out in a bathroom stall, when a dick comes through the glory hole, dress it up as a ghost. Ghost dick.
* Every time you sneeze, try saying “boo” to make it scarier.
* Dress your real doll up as a witch.
* Carve a pentagram into a pizza pie!