Scam Bait - Bill Cunningham Show, Capital Talent

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By Bub

Wacky talents wanted for TV SHOW!! (NYC) 

Do you have a wacky strange talent?

Does your family and friends think your talent is crazy?

Do you want to show the world your wild talent?

Are you ready to prove to them you have the IT factor?

Does your family/partner get mad at you for spending all your money on your talent?

Do you spend all your time practicing instead of working?

Send us a video of what you do and a picture of yourself!

Also Call JTat "The Bill Cunningham Show"-646-884-3129

Must be available 10/24-10/25

All of your expenses, up to $2000 including related fees, travel, wardrobe, hair, makeup and meals will be covered. Contact us today so we can help you get famous!
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Dear JTat,

I have a wacky strange talent which has cost me dearly both financially and socially, and which I would like to share with the world.  It started as a fruitless attempt to try to gain my parents’ affection, then evolved into a fun party trick that was supposed to win me acclaim from social power brokers and sought-after sexual partners alike, and it has ultimately morphed into a thousand dollar a day habit that I’ve had to steal, rob, and do worse in order to support.  My talent – naming world capitals.

It started out harmless enough with a puzzle of the fifty United States back in Kindergarten.  But when I first nailed ‘Frankfort’ & ‘Carson City’, I felt a rush like I’d never felt before.  It was a warm feeling in my gut.  It was a feeling that I had control over the chaos in my life and that everything really was OK if only for that moment.  By the time I had the Bismarck/Pierre distinction down, I knew I was in over my head.  It became a matter of when, not if, I would move on to harder stuff to get my fix.

The when was in fourth grade when I began doing world capitals.   I started off light at first – Western Europe, continental North America – but by the end of the year I was deep into the heavy stuff, naming off all of Latin America & the Caribbean in front of the principal.  At home, after I was supposed to have gone to bed, I’d try to crack the Balkans and the Middle East.

It was some time during high school when I’d memorized all of the world capitals on the ‘official map’ of the world.  But soon even that left me feeling empty.  Each time I would recite them I would get less and less of a rush.  And each time I would need it even more.

By college I started dabbling in capitals of contested states, rebel capitals, break-away republics.  That filled the void briefly, but still it was fleeting.  There are only so many ‘Transnistrias’ and only one Tiraspol.

One day my world was changed when I was approached by a shadowy figure that introduced me to ‘Secret Capitals’.  These were opaque metropolises that your average capital memorizer was not privy to.  Some of them were not even visible to the naked eye.  Some of them were made up of phonemes not pronounceable by the human tongue without surgical alteration.  My first Secret Capital dealer offered to show me these invisible seats of government, and refer me to unlicensed surgeons in order to be able to recite city names more beautiful and exotic than any I’d ever heard before – for a price.

I realized I’d become a capital junkie when I woke up naked, in a dumpster, with a broken leg, holding a list of ingredients for off-brand instant macaroni & cheese that I’d been sold as capitals from the lost continent of Latchkeymealia, which I then tried unsuccessfully to peddle for a couple capitals from the Andromeda galaxy.

Such is life for a capital addict.  I’ve lost my friends, my family, my home, but I’ve still got my globe.  I’d be thrilled to share my talent on your informational television program.  I could use the stipend toward this nice collection of capitals located just outside the core of the Earth that I’ve had my eye on.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Best,
Bub

1 comment:

  1. i can relate to this very strongly. Please help, Jtat

    ReplyDelete