By Ingrid
Truly, nothing is more degrading than being 25 years old and waiting in line to see a Harry Potter movie, but that’s just where I found myself this last Sunday afternoon. As I stood there, unintentionally mingling with a horde of squealing prepubescent girls wearing long robes and pointed hats and lightning bolt-shaped scars painted on their foreheads with their mothers’ eyeliner, I would've committed suicide but I’ve invested way too much in the Harry Potter empire to let it go now. I read the first book when I was 15. Reading Harry Potter in my circle of nerdy friends was sort of like doing cocaine in other, more hip circles: it was technically okay if you didn’t do it, but you really sort of had to if you ever hoped to achieve alpha status and/or get a date to the Honors Luncheon. I borrowed a copy, and the next thing I know it’s ten years later and I’m standing in this epically long line, squashed between a nervous 13 yr old couple on what was evidently a first date [I surmised this because they didn't talk or make eye contact the entire time] and a thirty-something male wearing an oversized, grease-stained tee shirt that said “Gandalf is My Homeboy” [WRONG WIZARD. You’re the type of incomprehensible human being who stands on your chair during a Bob Dylan concert and yells “Freeeeeebird!!” aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!].
Anyway, after sitting through the two-and-a-half hour-long movie, I only have two observations: a) the actor who plays Ron was a really ugly kid who miraculously turned out to be okay-looking and b) the actor who plays Harry was a cute kid who turned out to be really awkward. C’est la vie, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Something. At least you weren’t ugly kids who turned out to be awkward, which is what happened to me.
Strange Messages I Have Received on Taco Bell Border Sauce™ Packets
Will you marry me?
If a man proposed to me with a packet of Taco Bell Border Sauce™ (Hot), I just might be tempted to say yes, even though I am, by principle, against marriage. After all, the third ingredient is jalapeno peppers – a known aphrodisiac. How could I resist? Nevermind that the second ingredient is tomato paste (which makes my thumbs break out in a strange rash) and the first ingredient is water (nothing is less attractive than a cheapskate who waters down his salsa). No, if a man proposed to me with such a packet, I might just look past the fact that the ninth ingredient is sodium benzoate and marry him anyway, if only to spite my mom, who is against processed foods in all forms and boycotts Taco Bell because of their tomatoes.
Will you scratch my back?
If there’s anything I want to avoid thinking about when I’m eating a big, sloppy Seven Layer Bean Burrito™, it’s how dead skin collects under your fingernails when you scratch someone’s back. So, no, I won’t scratch your back, Sauce Packet, at least not until I’m done eating my burrito. And even then I would prefer if you were tested for STDs and skin conditions first. Can sauce packets contract STDs??
This space for rent. Inquire within.
Are you telling me, Taco Bell Border Sauce™ (Fire), that that there is a little Taco Bell employee inside each of your packets, waiting patiently amongst the tomato paste and sodium benzoate to tell me about urgent corporate advertising opportunities? Ha! Like I’m going to fall for that one! The last time I obeyed a message I read on a condiment packet I ended up with ingredient in my eye, and I would be lying if I said that was fun.
On that note, have a good morning, OYIT, and please stop inappropriately assessing the physical appearances of actors who are a good eight years younger than you.
Truly, nothing is more degrading than being 25 years old and waiting in line to see a Harry Potter movie, but that’s just where I found myself this last Sunday afternoon. As I stood there, unintentionally mingling with a horde of squealing prepubescent girls wearing long robes and pointed hats and lightning bolt-shaped scars painted on their foreheads with their mothers’ eyeliner, I would've committed suicide but I’ve invested way too much in the Harry Potter empire to let it go now. I read the first book when I was 15. Reading Harry Potter in my circle of nerdy friends was sort of like doing cocaine in other, more hip circles: it was technically okay if you didn’t do it, but you really sort of had to if you ever hoped to achieve alpha status and/or get a date to the Honors Luncheon. I borrowed a copy, and the next thing I know it’s ten years later and I’m standing in this epically long line, squashed between a nervous 13 yr old couple on what was evidently a first date [I surmised this because they didn't talk or make eye contact the entire time] and a thirty-something male wearing an oversized, grease-stained tee shirt that said “Gandalf is My Homeboy” [WRONG WIZARD. You’re the type of incomprehensible human being who stands on your chair during a Bob Dylan concert and yells “Freeeeeebird!!” aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!].
Anyway, after sitting through the two-and-a-half hour-long movie, I only have two observations: a) the actor who plays Ron was a really ugly kid who miraculously turned out to be okay-looking and b) the actor who plays Harry was a cute kid who turned out to be really awkward. C’est la vie, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Something. At least you weren’t ugly kids who turned out to be awkward, which is what happened to me.
Strange Messages I Have Received on Taco Bell Border Sauce™ Packets
Will you marry me? If a man proposed to me with a packet of Taco Bell Border Sauce™ (Hot), I just might be tempted to say yes, even though I am, by principle, against marriage. After all, the third ingredient is jalapeno peppers – a known aphrodisiac. How could I resist? Nevermind that the second ingredient is tomato paste (which makes my thumbs break out in a strange rash) and the first ingredient is water (nothing is less attractive than a cheapskate who waters down his salsa). No, if a man proposed to me with such a packet, I might just look past the fact that the ninth ingredient is sodium benzoate and marry him anyway, if only to spite my mom, who is against processed foods in all forms and boycotts Taco Bell because of their tomatoes.
Will you scratch my back?
If there’s anything I want to avoid thinking about when I’m eating a big, sloppy Seven Layer Bean Burrito™, it’s how dead skin collects under your fingernails when you scratch someone’s back. So, no, I won’t scratch your back, Sauce Packet, at least not until I’m done eating my burrito. And even then I would prefer if you were tested for STDs and skin conditions first. Can sauce packets contract STDs??
This space for rent. Inquire within.
Are you telling me, Taco Bell Border Sauce™ (Fire), that that there is a little Taco Bell employee inside each of your packets, waiting patiently amongst the tomato paste and sodium benzoate to tell me about urgent corporate advertising opportunities? Ha! Like I’m going to fall for that one! The last time I obeyed a message I read on a condiment packet I ended up with ingredient in my eye, and I would be lying if I said that was fun.
On that note, have a good morning, OYIT, and please stop inappropriately assessing the physical appearances of actors who are a good eight years younger than you.
