Dissecting: 50 Cent's "Candy Shop"

By Gary



I am stealing Maddie's wildly successful "Dissecting: Insert song" article.
So if you want a taste of what I got, then go ahead girl... click the "read more" spot..Woah!


"Yeah...
Uh huh
So seductive"


This is the intro to the song. It's not so much a lyric..it's more of a prologue. A pitch for the concept of the song.

Music Journalist: Fittie, tell me about about your new single "Candy Shop"

50 Cent: Candy Shop...Yeah...uh-huh. So seductive.


"[Chorus: 50 Cent & Olivia]
[50 Cent]
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
[Olivia]
I'll take you to the candy shop
Boy one taste of what I got
I'll have you spending all you got
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)"


Let's not beat around the bush here, this song is about oral sex. The analogy is so brilliantly conceptualized by 50 Cent when he refers to his penis as a lollipop. I am sure millions of 2nd graders around the world collectively applauded this provocative and clever word play. I know I did not come up with equating my penis to a lollipop, hot dog or Popsicle until at least the 3rd or 4th grade.

The lyrics themselves imply that 50 is offering to let Olivia give him a blow job, and Olivia is offering to let 50 Cent do the same. Both make good on their mutual offers, when at the end of each line its ended with parenthesized ("woah").

Author's inquiry: I believe Olivia tells 50 to keep giving her oral sex til he "hits her (g) spot". Which I admit I am not a master of giving oral sex, to women at least, believe that it would anatomically impossible to hit a woman's g-spot using only your mouth. (see below image)




[Verse 1: 50 Cent]
"You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it
Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle
I'll break it down for you now, baby it's simple
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into
Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor
Have your friends teasing you 'bout how sprung I gotcha
Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem
Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider
I'm a seasons vet when it come to this shit
After you work up a sweat you can play with the stick
I'm trying to explain baby the best way I can
I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)"


Well this a seductive chorus to say the least. Looks like 50 delivered on his opening pitch much like he delivered on his promises of becoming huge movie star.

Back to the lyrics at hand. He's at da club dancing with Olivia. He leans over to Olivia and ask her if she is going to rub her ass on him or is he going to have to do himself. 50 then goes on to make such brilliant similes as, "hot as a teakettle" and "bouncing around like a low rider", to describe his plans for the evening and his incredible love making skills. Hell, even I am getting a touch of the vapors.

He then ends with a light joke to reassure her that he will not ejaculate during the initial hand job, but will wait until the oral sex. This joke/line is so clever that even 50 cannot hold back the laughter--remarking, "ha ha". I am sure a girl in the club would be overtaken to have 50 Cent dancing up on her, and his need to reassure her that he will not ejaculate during a hand job actually ends up having the opposite affect of the intended motivation to tell a girl that.

[Chorus]
"[Bridge: 50 Cent & Olivia]
Girl what we do (what we do)
And where we do (and where we do)
The things we do (things we do)
Are just between me and you (oh yeah)"


Oh boy.

The lyrics means: 50 don't kiss and tell. He does however kiss and rap, as 50 has devoted an entire top chart hit to this sexual encounter.

[Verse 2: 50 Cent]
"Give it to me baby, nice and slow
Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo
You ain't never heard a sound like this before
Cause I ain't never put it down like this before
Soon as I come through the door she get to pulling on my zipper
It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker
Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch em in thongs
Had me thinking 'bout that ass after I'm gone
I touch the right spot at the right time
Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind
So seductive, you should see the way she wind
Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind
As Long as she ain't stopping, homie I ain't stopping
Dripping wet with sweat man its on and popping
All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on
And we gon' sip 'til every bubble in every bottle is gone"


I assume he has her back at his hotel. She's giving it to him nice and slow than she's riding him like a rodeo. Then they have a race to see who can get undressed quicker. I am almost sure there is a Double Dare game with nearly identical rules.

I don't get why it's ironic to watch women in thongs. I guess it could be ironic if the whole night 50 was focused on her getting naked, only to find out that he enjoyed her in thong more.

The shit breaks loose and everything starts popping! EVERYTHING. He does, she does, the champagne bottles and even "it" pops. A very climatic ending to a very seductive song. See what I did there 50 Cent, take note..."Climatic" ending (ha ha).

This song is OK for a song about oral sex. I will say this: I have had my fair share of oral sex, and never once was it so good that I felt inclined to write an entire song about it or the events leading up to it. Maybe someday I will be proven wrong, but no BJ is worth writing an entire song over.

I want to share with you a story about this song. One that is seared into my brain.
When I was in a writing class, this burn-out thuggish portly white kid would ask me to go get breakfast at McDonald's after every class with him (it was an 8 AM class so that takes some of the weirdness out of it). This is the type of kid that lives in a single bedroom apartment with one couch, a 20 inch TV, a Nintendo 64, a DVD player, one DVD (Beerfest and maybe Van Wilder), one Godsmack black light poster, a mattress, and a pet lizard named "Dane" that he "gets high" by blowing weed smoke in its face.

I would always find an excuse that usually revolved around studying or not having any money. Then I made the mistake of mentioning how I got all my homework done for the week. Yes, I know many of you are saying that I made a mistake saying anything to this guy, but I can't not talk to people he was a nice guy and I can't be an asshole to anyone. Anyway, after class I caught him out of the corner of my eye speed walking towards me.

"let's go get some McDonald's!"
"I don't have any..."
"Dude, I am buying"

I go to his car and get in, and begin the short and awkward drive to Micky D's. While we are waiting in the drive-thru saying nothing at all. This song comes on the radio and after the opening lines, I think the idea that his insistence to take me to breakfast could be be interpreted as "gay" finally dawns on him. So he feels the need to crank up this song and speaking loudly and clearly says "me and MY GIRLFRIEND had some fun times to this song!"

THE END

6 comments:

  1. I hate this song. I actually like most of the Massacre album this song is from, though.

    What in the hell happened with that picture and the text? That's some crazy shit.

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  2. i just tried commenting on this and when i pressed post comment it took me to this morning's GM post. i remember what i said though. it was

    "this is gr8. i'm so glad dissecting is becoming a OYIT feature."

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  3. That is the oddest diagram of the female reproductive system I have ever seen. It's flabby.

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  4. But that was the best McDonald's story I've ever heard. He sounds like a credit to our race.

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  5. That is some faggy analysis right there!

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  6. No one on this blog is gay, sir/ma'am!

    ReplyDelete