Showing posts with label murder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label murder. Show all posts

Good Morning Doppleganger

By Glenn 

Good morning. Today's edition is going to have to be brief. I will make up for next week and then every week for the rest of my life. Right now I wanted to show you this doppleganger that I found. He lives in Chicago, Illinois and he's like me in EVERY way.


Today's Doppleganger



And then take a look at the first half of his info.



The similarities continue, and now take a look at his about me and contact information. I added him on Facebook and wrote on his wall, but what should I do now? Contact him? Visit him in Chicago? KILL HIM? Please leave your comments below.



Today's Prediction
I'm not going to kill some kid I don't even know! But I will find him and change his life.

Good Fucking Morning, I Wore My Crabby Pants Today [January 29, 2010]

By Katy


I didn't get a single sentence of feedback last week regarding whether or not I should switch up theatrical reviews on Fridays with something a little more stimulating and less awful, so movie reviews it is! I'm pretty tired and pretty grouchy (please see: crabby pants) so my words may come off as sort of callous, empty, or cruel, so you may find it easier to pretend we're in a relationship and after all this we can have incredible comment make-up sex.

Today's Weather: Freezing with a touch of frigid.

What else is there to say about this?

Today's Theatrical Reviews:

  • Edge of Darkness (Rated R Rapid Racism--because Mel Gibson is in this movie, and he's a known racist.)


    • Synopsis: Thomas Craven (Gibson) is a homicide detective who upon discovering the body of his murdered daughter on his stoop, embarks on a journey into the bad, wild world of corporate cover-ups and government corruption. He butts heads with Darius Jedburgh (Ray Winstone), an operative on a mission to ... well, cover-up the murder, so, naturally they butt heads and probably loud, blasting guns and there's likely some homoerotic undertones in there.

    My Take: I'm not sure who's on the edge of darkness here; the detective, the operative, or Craven's slutty daughter for getting into this whole mess in the first place, but I'd have to guess I'd be on the edge of my seat, preparing to get up and leave the theatre while Gibson looks too old to be making these movies. I live government corruption, homicide, and Mel Gibson everyday. I certainly don't need to sit down and watch a movie about it.

  • When in Rome (Rated PG-13 for making me think this was the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen remake)


    • Synopsis: Beth (Kristen Bell) takes a trip to Rome in search of romance. For some undoubtedly unethical reason, she starts pocketing coins out of a magic fountain. Errr... maybe the coins are magical. I don't know, but the original male owners of these coins start following her around stalk-style because the coin links their love or some shit. Then she meets a guy she actually likes a great deal, but she can't tell if it's the spell or true love.

    My Take: In all seriousness, I'd watch Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's When in Rome over this petty theft tale anyday. Not only that, I HAVE watched it several days. It's amazing. It's second best     to their earlier work in Our Lips Are Sealed where they fly to Aussie after being placed in the witness protection program and the exact same formula happens that occurs in all of their movies, and it's twelve times more awesome than this garbage.

    Today's Shameless E-zine Plug:

    aboveGroundmagazine

    Turn those crabby pants into prancin' pants! Love independent hip hop? Want to read minuscule mentions of political news from October of 2009? Want to drop your latest demo off to this random guy in hopes of being discovered and being so underground you're dead? Check this shit out; it'll blow your mind and then make you breakfast in the morning.

    Recession Busters


    By Jim

    People often stop me on the street and ask me questions. Most people ask for change (I usually lie or, if I recognize them, preempt their questions and ask them for change), for sex (yes if she, he, or he-she has a bangin’ body), or if I’m a famous person, but once in a blue moon (blue moon=1.16699016 × 10-8 hertz, or approximately every two-and-a-half years) someone asks a real stumper like, “how can I beat this goddamn mother fucking recession?”


    Hahaaaa. Well, as you can imagine, reader, I had no answer the first few times someone popped the said question—I felt like a royal jack-ass (Prince Willem-Alexander of Holland)—and I abruptly regressed back to a state of adolescent inadequacy, and underwent a “dark night of the soul.” However! My search ended earlier today, when I concluded my year-and-a-half long bender, shaved off my mourning beard, and came up with these easy-to-do recession busters:


    1. Rob Drunk College Students for Your Drinking Money

    Self-explanatory, and very convenient, given you can’t throw a rock without hitting one. Find a knife, find a lone drunk college student stumbling to God-knows-where, and knock him or her down to the ground. Show your blade. If they give you any guff, stick him or her in the arm or the leg (don’t hit any major arteries, though) to show you’re serious. Strike at random, and never strike the same location twice. Use your brain.

    2. Tip Strippers with Lower-Valued Foreign Currency

    This one is great. Some foreign currency looks remarkably like the U.S. dollar, and the strippers probably won’t notice until the show is over. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ve already received their services. Worst case scenario, they make you work to pay off your debt.

    3. Go to Prison

    Think about it! You lose your job. You can’t support your family, so your wife leaves you and takes the kids (you didn’t like them anyway). Your dog dies while driving over one of America’s many collapsing bridges (you liked him, but what was he doing driving a car?), or any of the other innumerable recession-doomsday scenarios.

    How can anyone recover in a recession lustfully staring at the ass of some new and more devastating Great Depression? Answer: Wait it out in prison!

    Sound crazy? At least consider the benefits.

    • You will have three meals a day, so your neighbors’ cats won’t mysteriously go missing anymore. Prison food may not delight your taste buds as much as certain agile four-legged creatures (unless Martha Stewart winds up in your penitentiary [and she will!]!), but they’re dependable and you don’t have to chase them down and smash their skulls in.

    • Don’t forget, once you’re in prison, you’ll have lots of time to learn and do all the things you couldn’t when you were trapped in your desperately lonely and horrid former life. You can learn an instrument (harmonica is popular), learn to cook (not just meth), play sports (like NBA Street, except in a prison yard and Southern Mexicans always win), experience other cultures (mostly Southern Mexican), and earn several degrees from accredited universities—opportunity is around every corner (albeit, so are the Southern Mexicans).

    • FREE HEALTHCARE! FREE FUCKING HEALTHCARE.

    • And, most importantly, FREE GYM MEMBERSHIP. You will have all the time in the world to trim those love handles (if starvation hasn’t already) and put on your very own gun expo—not to mention you’ll build such a great ten-pack vendors will begin selling ten-packs.

    Some of you are probably wondering, “what about prison rape?” Well, the best part is the bottom of this recession is no where in sight, so give it two or three years, and conditions outside of prison will be pretty much the same as conditions inside—minus all the aforementioned benefits.

    There are a plethora of arrestable offenses, all depending on how long you wish to stay on the inside. Here are some examples:

    • arson - 5 years to life (depending on if anyone is injured or killed)
    • drug trafficking - 5 years to life (depending on how dangerous the drug is and the quantity)
    • prostitution – 1-18 months
    • armed robbery – 1- 10 years (depending on injuries to others and how dangerous the preferred weapon is)
    • kidnapping – 1-15 years (depending on how seemingly planned out and violent you want to be)

    Worried about fines? Don’t be. You can extend your sentence instead of paying them so commit your crime with this in mind—and everyone will owe someone a shit load of money by the end of this economic down-turn. Worried about a record? Again, most of us will have a record or will have died by the time this thing ends.

    4. Leave Your Family

    Leave them in the woods, leave them in a garbage can—doesn’t matter. When resources are low the first instinct of any non-human animal is to abandon their cubs. Take a cue from Mother Nature, and live to survive and carry on your genes another day.

    5. Get that Gov’ment Cheese

    Unemployment. Welfare. Food Stamps. Student Aid. Get it all. Do whatever it takes to maximize the amount and duration of government financial aid programs. No one can stop you. Not even Ronald Reagan. He’s dead.

    6. Convince Someone to Take Out a Life Insurance Policy with You as the Sole Benefactor, and then Kill that Person

    I read about some ladies volunteering for a church-run shelter (Luthern, I think?) doing this to some homeless guy. Genius. But they got caught. Don’t get caught.


    Well, that concludes my list. If I think of anymore, I’ll surely let you all know. Don’t shy away from any tips you’ve got for me, either.













    *Disclaimer: Don’t actually do any of these things. They’re jokes (even if they’re not good ones) written by a (semi)professional on a closed course. If you do them anyway, you didn’t hear them from me.