Punny Jokes by Nate, #2

By Nate 

This pun involves wine, but don't worry, the pun does not involve switching up the words wine and whine for an easy laugh. It's a little more subtle than that. I respect all you fuckers too much for write a homonym joke.*

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It was a typical weekend night for me and my college-aged friends. We had gathered at our usual hang-out for another night of binge drinking. Several cases of Miller High Life were in the fridge, cheap vodka and whiskey were within reach, and we also have a few bottles of wine in tow because we were feeling classy.

Some might say that our urge to consume wine is just foreshadowing our futures as middle-aged, Prius/Subaru driving, farmer's market shopping, liberal yuppies. I would say you're right, but let me call it classy for now, please.

Anyway, we decided to start with the wine and began trying to open the bottles. Being the alcoholic neophytes we are, this was a slightly difficult task (look, I used the word neophytes. I am a total arugula munching, east-coast elitist! Yuppy-dom, here I come!)

Timid, self-deprecating jokes then came forth as we tried to mask our bottle-opening inadequacies with humor. Someone suggested that we just break the neck off a bottle and move on. It got a quick chuckle, but then I interrupted, "wait, isn't breaking the neck off a bottle the appropriate way to drink some wines?"

Everyone looked at me with a puzzled gaze, and their eyes begged me to explain myself.

"I mean," I said, "doesn't breaking the neck off a glass bottle of wine produce shard-onnay?"

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*Disclaimer: considering my mediocre comedy skills, you homonyms may in fact be subjected to a homosexual joke before all is said in done.

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Punny Jokes by Nate, #1

By Nate 
For those of you who have read this and noticed there was only one pun, and you noticed that I have clearly advertised this with the plural form of "joke", don't worry. I am hoping to make this a series.

So the other day I was driving down the interstate, and I took a pit stop at a convenience store. For News Years I have given up soda, so instead of buying my favorite drink, Dr. Pepper, I got a bottle of orange juice to mix with a 5 Hour Energy - five hours of energy now, no crash later. I paid for the liquid energy, got back in my car, mixed the two drinks, and took off down the road.

As I was driving, I started reading labels of the orange juice bottle and the Five Hour Energy. The Five Hour has 8333% of the daily dosage you need of B₁₂, and 2100% of your daily B₆. It also warns about the possibility of a "Niacin Flush."

Then I compared that to the orange juice label. Orange juice also has a fair amount of B₆ and Niacin. "Oh, boy," I thought, "might I experience my first Niacin Flush today?" I was brimming with anticipation (but it could have been the B₁₂.)

About that time I noticed a vitamin called Folate on the orange juice label. "Hmmm," I wondered, "I've not heard of Folate before. I wonder what that is."

Then I heard a voice in my head answer me (again, must have been the B₁₂ talking), "Folate? I know what that is. It's what a young horse has recently consumed!"

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