From the Vault: Jack's New Message

By Jake

Trite, boring and dull: three words that I would use to accurately describe your new answering machine message. This following your last, near masterpiece message, that we have affectionately dubbed, "The Golden Child."

I was, like many others, eagerly anticipating the follow-up to the Golden Child message. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was calling you while you weren't home and getting your brand new message. When I heard the automated running and pops of the microcassette I was expecting to hear the message we all know by heart, but then I heard the word "HI" and my heart nearly broke.

The message continued with a sickening dullness, "this is Jack." Oh Jesus, I thought to myself, why did Jack change his message? That was just one of the many derogatory questions that was going through my usually loving mind about you at the time, Jack.

"Leave me a message." Oh mother of fucking God, could you be any more predictable? Who wrote this shit for you, the author of The Big Green's script? Then, with a trite, ill-conceived nail-in-the-coffin beep, the message came to a screeching halt. I was left to leave a message, but I couldn't; the message's badness left me speechless.

Jack, I'm sorry to tell you, I can't even call you any longer without hanging up after the third ring in an effort to avoid your disappointingly terrible message. Your message is one of the biggest let downs of the entire year, it is especially sad in the wake of Sue's new message, which is absolutely brilliant.

Of course, it's nice that you keep it real by sticking to the microcassettes instead of upgrading to digital, the pops give your messages a real homey, authentic feeling, but I think it may have worked against you this time. Maybe you should consider getting some outside help, or maybe doing a duet with your girlfriend.

I know that your heart is in the right place, Jack. You really tried to take a nice, layed-back approach to the project, but they just may have been the death of it. You went lo-fi and simplistic when you should have reached out for a digital utopia of noise, for shame, Jack. Quit the self-indulgent bullshit and record something somebody wants to hear next time.


  1. Finally someone has the egg embryos to put jack on blast. How unoriginal and stale can you get. This isnt 2002 jack. We have a Black President. We are living in post racial america. Next time use some creativity. Do something new. Like jake said, do a duet with the ole gf and remake the Jefferson's song in your best blackface voice. its not racist if your just playing the guy thats playing the guy thats playing the voice for the first guy's answering machine. I promise Yours truly, John doe

  2. To be fair, this review was written in 2002.


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