From the Vault: Resurrect the O.J. Jokes

By Jake

This article was originally posted on December 3, 2002. I (Jake) wrote it.

Remember the days when you would anxiously anticipate your printer's giving to you page after hilarious page of funny but true jokes about O.J. Simpson? Your tear-stained eyes, as you recall the last waltz of the Dancing (Judge) Itos, quietly answers my question.

The O.J. trial was a landmark, a milestone, a trip to the grocery store, and the quick trip back home (so your ice cream doesn't melt) all rolled into one glorious churro of voyeuristic beauty, which had been sprinkled with the cinnamon of anticipatory justice. Before this particular case double murder was barely worth a chuckle, now that O.J. had arrived it was worth a hearty belly laugh, that one might have to vividly describe as a "gut-buster."

Where's Kato? There are the classic jokes like "How many O.J.'s does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, he's too busy murdering his ex-wife and her boyfriend" and the more complex ones, with layers of social commentary and intensity, like "A White Ford Bronco walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender, visibly upset at the Bronco's choice of drink, says, 'We don't serve White Ford Broncos in this particular establishment.' The door slowly opens and O.J. Simpson pulls himself out of the vehicle and walks over to the bartender, pulls out his knife and kills him and his girlfriend in a malicious manner. A run from the police and a lengthy, televised trial follow." I think I heard the last one from Jay Leno.

The appropriately titled 'Trial of the Century' and its companioning century may be over, but the jokes shall live on for another as long as we allow them to do so. While you are at work, during a coffee break, perhaps, you would want to bust out, "Mark Fuhrman walks into a McDonalds and orders a Double McNigger with DNA Cheese" or the equally side-splitting "Why can't the Queen of England stay at Buckingham Palace? Because Kato Kaelin is there."

Your imagination -- and the nearly endless cast of characters - is the only limitation in which I can conjure up in my thick skull of possible jokes you may use to make eyes teary. If one were to liken the courtroom to a circus -- as absurd as that may sound to a learned human being -- then Judge Ito is up for consideration for the much-desired position of ringmaster. Even such highly prominent figures are allowed no leeway when it comes to setups and punch lines. For example, "Three Judge Itos walk into a bar: the first one keeps switching members of the Jury, the second one allows for a circus-like atmosphere, and the third orders a screwdriver."

Even the beautiful Marcia Clarke can't escape being pierced by the hilarity sword: "Marcia Clarke walks into a bar and absentmindedly loses a clear-cut murder case - then orders a martini."

If one asks you why you're cracking jokes about such a dead issue, you may want to ask, "Why did A.C. Cowlings' wife get angry at him?" which you would then reply with, "He didn't pick up any milk while he was driving alleged murderers around." You could even go as far to explain a situation to them, such as, "Mark Fuhrman walks into a bar and orders the bartender not to be a nigger," and if that doesn't make them realize it, maybe you should commit double murder (just kidding).

If the O.J. Simpson trial didn't teach us anything about racism in America then it did at least teach us about the way to properly structure a sidesplitting joke or anecdote. Just imagine, if it weren't for the countless evening talk shows we probably wouldn't even know this Orenthal fellow. Jay Leno, I'm saying a prayer for you tonight, and while I'm at it I'll pray that O.J. develops super sleuthing skills to help aid him in his never-ending search for the real killer.


  1. The only thing more criminal than what O.J. did is the lack of comments on this entry.

  2. Agreed. If I knew this article was going to have so few comments I would have voted to convict him in 1995 when I was on the jury for his criminal trial. I thought I was going to be giving the gift of humor, but if y'all don't appreciate it...