One Week Entertainment [1-31-09]

By Jake

I'm back to bring you some tasty nuggets of entertainment news and some honey mustard of hilarity (hopefull) as a dipping sauce. So do dig in and enjoy the morsels and make sure to wash your hands before reading.

Julianne Moore diets for roles. That scoundrel!

Katie Stam from Indiana (where I live) is crowned Miss America. I can tell you from experience that beautiful women are few and far between in this state (at least the part that I'm in). Kudos to you Ms. Stam for being fuckable.

George Clooney is returning to ER for a few episodes. Patrick Dempsey apparently doesn't care. Guess what, I could care less than most Americans did about Dempsey during the 90s.

Blagojevich apparently considered Oprah Winfrey for Obama's seat. Now, it's amazing when that's not the worst thing you've done in the last two months.

K-Fed is not joining Dancing with the Stars.

Least annoying Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is engaged to a yacht company owner. I would love to post the nude photos of her, but since this is a family friendly (depending on the family) site I will refrain. I will toss one off to them, though.

Brooke Shields is going to be the spokesperson for Coppertone. Thankfully I haven't seen her since Suddenly Susan went off the air. Sadly, I watched Suddenly Susan.

Ashlee Simpson is begging the press to stop talking about her sister Jessica's weight. What? Is Ashlee Simpson or the press retarded? That's the question I want you to answer in the comment section. I mean:

I'd fuck her if she weighed 100 pounds more than she did in that picture. Probably extra hard, even.

Joaquin Phoenix is a rapper.

Debbie Matenopoulos says she's no freeloader. Everybody left to wonder who Debbie Matenopoulos is, especially me.

Gordon Ramsey is cooking up a different kind of dish these days: ZINGERS!

Paris Hilton is stupid...or is she?

On a more serious note: Anna Ferris, who is in my favorite stoner movie, Smiley Face, is getting married. Good luck, Anna, you'll need it!

We're in luck, readers, as Nicolas Cage is set to star in a sequel to the smash hit, Ghostrider. Ghostrider is a man on a motorcycle who is also a flaming skeleton. I'm going to buy all the stock I can in this movie.

Toby Keith, everybody's favorite Arab hating country singer, is rolling out a new line of sleeveless t-shirts.

I'd like to leave you with a mini-rant. This might be a little serious, and for that I apologize. Reading through Ain't It Cool News and Rotten Tomatoes. I see that we're in for a long line of remakes and reboots (including Predator and Tomb Raider). Why can't the struggling movie studios try to make an original idea into a film? The answer: because they are a bunch of short-sighted fucking pussies. They think, 'Hey you know what would make a few million for us: a Honeymooners movie. But there aren't enough black people in the Honeymooners, let's make it so only black people are in it. Let's make Cedric The Entertainer the star, he's money in the bank." Then when the movies go to DVD, people don't buy them and they are forgotten in less than five years. They make money in the theater most of the time, but seriously, who goes out and buys the DVD of Bewitched? When the theater system crumbles, it's going to be the studio's fault.


  1. I would like you to turn that mini-rant into a mini-article. Nay, a FULL article. Because I completely agree.

  2. There was a non-black Honeymooners??

  3. I happened to watch Katie Stam win Ms America on TV the other night. I immediately went to wiki and updated it.


    That is literally the most substantial contribution I have ever made to wikipedia besides editing the entry for Poplar Bluff, Mo, and for the Poplar Bluff Black River Coliseum.

  4. joaquin phoenix is dorky and awkward as a rapper, but sexy as a grizzly man.
    i hope hollywood dies a horrible death that only the strong will survive.


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