What's the deal with Monster Trucks These Days?!?

By Brad

Just the other day, a day like any other day, I was sitting down to enjoy an ice cold Ice House after a hard day at the factory. The wife is bitchin' at me, the kids are screamin', and the dog needs to go outside for a break. One might ask the question, what's the point in living, when a man can't have a minutes worth of piece and quiet. BUT then came the answer upon my Televisor! MONSTER TRUCKS! Fuck Yeah! I mean, comeon, Monster Trucks crushin' the shit out of shit, fuckin' stuff up, rippin' up the lives of millions of innocent cars, trucks, and vans.

So now I'm on my third Ice House, and I start to notice something just ain't right. Where the fuck is Dennis Anderson, the famous driver of America's Sweetheart, GRAVE DIGGER? They got some guy from Mexico drivin' Grave Digger, Pablo or whatever his name is. How can this be? How can the greatest American Icon ever, Grave Digger, be driven by anyone else than Dennis Anderson? What has the American Institution of Destruction come to?

The fifth Ice House goes down smooth, but the pain of Grave Digger being driven by some foreigner other than Dennis Anderson (comparable to baby Jesus) jabs like a shank of ice to my heart. How can the American Institution of Destruction desert Dennis Anderson and leave Grave Digger to lose to shit Monster Trucks like King Crush or the lame Batman Truck? What's the Deal?

Number Seven, and Shits gettin' even weirder. Think of this: A dog truck with big ole' floppy ears runnin' over cars? What the Fuck? And that asshole truck kicked the shit out Pablo (Grave Digger) in the figure eight race. Totally Lame, and my goddamn kids want some attention! This is quite possibly the worst night I have had since the factory started layin' off my co-workers. Good thing I'm highly skilled in the drill press and out manufactured 93% of the other workers.

10 Ice Houses down, 3 more to go for an average night. Now I know that 90% of Monster Truck Fans are 10 years old and younger, but 10% of us over the age of 10 still want to see some kickass destruction and some hot Milfs on the televisor. Fuck dog Monster trucks, Batman, the U.S. Airforce Monster Truck, and most of all Big Foot or Big Twat or whatever his name is. I want to see some real fuckin monster trucks, like a shark Monster Truck, a Raptor, a Rattlesnake, or a Motorhead Monster Truck.

The Thirteenth Ice House reaches my blue collar belly, and all I have learned from a night of my family bitchin' and Monster Trucks is

"You know I'm born to lose
and gamblin's made for fools
But that's the way I like it baby
I don't want to live forever" -Motorhead.

If I have learned anything from tonight, it's that at least Motorhead isn't a total pussy like Grave Digger.


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  2. I loved this. It was wonderful, Brad. It made me laugh hard.

  3. I would like to reiterate that I found this article extremely funny. Maybe it's because I have watched monster truck rallies, love Grave Digger (the American Institution of Destruction) and listen to Motorhead. Really good work Brad.

  4. Brad!!!!!!
    I've been waiting to see that name on a byline since niggaz been waiting for Godot.
    This was fantastic.
    This article is more hopeful than Barack Obama on prom night.
    I want to read about this guy every day of my life.
    Maybe it will make up for growing up without a dad.

  5. finally, some respect for the great, never late, "motorhead". i <3 lemmy!