World's Greatest Grandpa

By Brad

He bursts through the door, hands in air, yelling "where's my kiddies at?". Huckleberry and Susan run out of their playroom with grins from ear to ear. "Grandpa, where have you been?!? We have missed you sooo much!" says Huck. "Well.......I had to leave on a trip, but I am back now, no need to worry!" replied Pappy. Pappy kneels down on his left knee to give his two favorite grand kids a big ole' hug. "Now stay away from my right knee kids, you know how sore it gets on cold days like these." Pappy had 2 screws and a pin in his right knee from a Nazi grenade blast that almost took his life on D-Day.

"Huckleberry, where did you get that shiner from?" Asked Pappy in a Grandpa like tone. "I got it from Lou Gerhig, the school bully, he punched me in the eye for calling him a boner." "That son-of-a-bitch!" Exclaimed Pappy. "He's gonna fuckin' get it, just like I gave it to Hitler back in '43." Pappy stormed out of the house in a blind rage, hopped in his Lebaron, and sped off without even a goodbye to his two beloved kiddies.

Pappy pulled up to his double wide with a screetch of the tires. He climbed out of his car, and headed inside to his bedroom closet. He pulled out his vintage M1 Carbine. "Where the fuck did I put my bayonet?" He said with a crackling voice. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the sparkle of his highly shined bayonet. "Sweet, sweet baby, I've been waiting for this day" said Pappy. He attached the bayonet to the end of his M1 Carbine, and headed towards the door.

Mid-Monday, after a hard night of drinking and calculation, Pappy arrives at Horris Grant Elementary School, on the southside of Kentuckytown. He takes a large swig of his Cabo Wabo Tequila, Produced by the rocker Sammy Hagar, and heads toward the cafeteria doors. Pappy busts through the double doors and yells "Lou Gehrig, where the fuck are ya!" The Cafeteria goes silent as 124 puzzled school children look Pappy's way.

A young girl explodes from the bullet of the M1 Carbine. Pappy yells "Who's Next?" reminiscent of Stone Cold Steve Austin's rebel yell. Pappy takes a stab with his bayonet at a tramatized 6 year old, who has spilled his orange juice down the front of his new white shirt. The bayonet rips through his neck, shooting blood onto Pappy's trousers. By now, the children have realized what is happening, and their screams fill the cafeteria.

Pappy awakens in a pool of piss on the floor of his trailer. Shaking and trembling, Pappy realizes what he did to those school children during World War 2 was a crime and not just "War". George Bush arrives in Kentuckytown in Air Force 1 and gives Pappy a pat on the back, and with a twinkle in his eye says "You truely are the World's Greatest Grandpa."


  1. I want to live in Kentuckytown!!

  2. Delightful! Marvelous! Poignant! Three exclamations for your article, Brad.

  3. Especially poignant I would say.

  4. though i read one out of order (and i apologize, brad) i am mezmorized and am looking forward to the continuing saga


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