HI Katy Issue 3

By Katy

This particular issue of Hi Katy was extremely interesting to write, as I have personally experienced most, if not all of these situations, making my advice even more vital and perfect than usual. Today we deal with everything from orange juice pulp to female sexuality. If you want a question answered next week, shoot me an email at the link above.

Hi Katy,

I've been drinking orange juice without pulp for a long time, and now my roommate buys the orange juice WITH pulp. I think it tastes kind of funny but I don't really feel like buying another kind of orange juice. What should I do?

--Pulp Friction
Hi Pulp,

First of all, orange juice with pulp is much better for you than orange juice without. You see, the pulp in orange juice provides everything needed to soar through life. Studies have shown that 85% of people making $200,000 or more a year routinely drink pulp orange juice (the other 15% cheated on their ACTs and paid nerds that drink pulp orange juice to do their homework in college). Statistics like that don't lie.

Then there's this whole issue with you drinking your roommate's orange juice. Isn't that the real problem? What exactly don't you like about buying orange juice? Something severe had to occur in your life to create this aversion to purchasing a small carton along with your other groceries. This is of course assuming you buy groceries at all, and I will make that assumption or your roommate would have written to me about the ugly, free-loader in his/her home. I'd really like to deal with this problem on a more informed level, so if you feel compelled to tell me about it, I'll be here next week.

Until then, I suggest you stop drinking your roommate's juice (unless there's some beneficial trade going on there) and think about your future as pulp-less server working three jobs to get by.

Hi Katy,

I regularly eat at Subway. I always order the turkey sub with tomato, lettuce, onions and provolone cheese. The problem is, I can't find my way around the city. I recently moved to Chicago and can't wrap my head around the mass transit system. What am I to do?

-Windy City Confusion
Hi Confusion,

You seem like a fairly bright individual - though perhaps lacking in linear abilities - and should be smart enough to figure out Chicago's transit system. Unfortunately, you've fallen into the same trap as so many before you. Understanding Subway's complicated system for eliminating obesity doesn't transfer to understanding… "subways."

I quote subways, because the first thing everyone needs to understand about Chicago transportation is that it's a train, (a "L" train) not a subway. Subways are ALWAYS underground, but Chicago trains have limitless capabilities. While the routes may be intricate and many, getting on the train or bus is one of the simplest I've come across in all my public transportation explorations. There are terminals just everywhere, (mostly L stops) where you can purchase CTA passes which are used by both L trains and buses. Or you can get a 1,3,7, or 30-day pass card if you don't want to continually get a new card. OR you can get a Chicago card, which is basically a debit for the transit system that can be reloaded for continual use! ISN'T THIS EXCITING?! You may find transitchicago.com extremely helpful for pass cards, schedules, and bus and line updates.

This brings us to lines. There are EIGHT colored line systems in Chicago. Red, blue, brown, green, orange, purple, pink, and yellow. I understand how this can be intimidating; that's a lot of colors! The CTA knows this and they have signs just about EVERYWHERE to help out the occasional… lost person… AND the helpful recorded voice of The Chicago Mystery Man at every stop to happily relay your current location and line change choices!

The important thing is to not get overwhelmed by the metropolitan sprawl. If you have any problems just stare at a nearby traveler until they ask what your problem is. Flip a gang sign - it doesn't matter which one - which will earn you the recognition as a fellow native Chicagoan, and they will be most inclined to help you find your destination.

Hi Katy,

I'm approaching what might be a problem in my own family. My daughter is in ninth grade and I am worried that she's going to soon be going down a dark road. There are already some signs things are headed that way. Her friends dress in a way similar to Marilyn Manson and she's been cutting herself. She's also experimented with marijuana, methamphetamine, cocaine, ecstasy, LSD, Ketamine and Xanax. She's had multiple sexual partners, including some as old as 32. I have it on good information from a neighbor that she has been maiming and killing some of the pets in our neighborhood. On our computer I can see that she's been visiting websites with child pornography and what appear to be legitimate snuff films. She constantly threatens to kill her father and has poisoned him on two different locations. Do you think I have any reason to be worried?

--Daughter in Danger?
Hi Danger,

I almost started this letter "Hi Linda" until I realized the absurdity of my mom e-mailing me seven years after the fact.

Let's get serious though, because this is a serious problem. If there's anything I've learned from years of doing exactly what your daughter's doing it's that the parents always overreact. So, step by step I'm going to go through each of these problems and attempt to offer you some peace of mind. Take a deep breath.

Manson - This is not your grandmother's Marilyn Manson. I didn't even know kids still listen to Marilyn Manson, and I'm 99% positive they don't. What you're dealing with is the new deterioration of adolescent culture known to most as "crap." All genres have now been simplified and compacted so that all high schoolers misunderstand emo, the Anarchist symbol, and individuality. They go around shouting about how they don't want to be like you, throwing their hands up, and layering guy-liner and checkered wristbands. I agree it's annoying, but it's really not that bad. ICP causes Taco Bell massacres, not All-American Rejects.

Marijuana - harmless, all doctors agree. Methamphetamine – it's a Midwest right of passage, she'll get over it. Cocaine – she probably just wants to lose a little weight, she'll stop when she's 103 LBs. Ecstasy – not habit forming OR dangerous. Just straight fun! LSD – I'm surprised a 15-ear-old is down with LSD, I saw let her enjoy it before it passes out of our history and memories forever. Ketamine – laaaaamo, and you can quote me when you tell her that. Xanax – after that list, who's surprised? Be glad she's not downing Purple Drank after that cocktail.

Earlier and earlier teenagers are doing it: having The Sex. It's definitely one of the most difficult things for parents like you and I to come to terms with. Other than discussing proper safety and contraception, you've got to pat your little girl on the back and send her off to explore it herself. Also, you can take any one of those guys over the age of eighteen and nail their asses in jail! That's power.

Neighbors ALWAYS lie. Everyone knows that. They're probably just jealous of the lushness of your lawn and want to tear your family apart. It's totally natural. Keep in mind one of those 32-year-olds your daughter may be sleeping with IS your neighbor. Send his ass to jail and you'll never have to deal with his demoralizing stare again.

All teenagers threaten to kill their fathers - it's a right of passage! As far as the poisoning… it'll pass. It's just a little "acting out." She's just craving love from her father and is going through extremes to get it. Just don't let him eat anything that hasn't been in his sight forever, and I'm sure by sophomore year she'll be too busy to care he's still breathing.

I sure hope that helped out. Remember this first and foremost: "If I don't see it; it's not happening." Repeat that over and over as many times as necessary until you believe it. My mom did (and does) this very thing and look how I turned out! I'm a single working gal living on her own writing advice columns for an esteemed blog! So… yaaaaay.

Hi Katy,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple months. She is always flirting with guys, and that really bothers me. Is she eventually going to leave me for a guy or do you think she's just being a cocktease?

Hi Jealousbian,

I think you may be overeating, and also being pretty ridiculous. Are you worried that your girlfriend is a flirt, or that she's flirting with BOYS? Would you feel the same if she were flirting with girls? I don't think you're a jealous girlfriend. I think you doubt the lesbianism of your lover. That's pretty unfair, but so is me assuming your girlfriend is a lesbian rather than bi. That's why you have to be specific in your questions people. Or I'll just assume all over the board and you'll never get proper advice!

Sorry about that. It's been a hard week. You should talk to her about this. If she does need an occasional cock-fix maybe it'd be best if you discuss her having sex with a male here and there to get it out of your system and then your relationship can continue to grow and blossom in cock-peace.

Hi Katy,
I have never had a cell phone that could do anything other than talk and calculate simple math equations. A lot of my friends and even more of my coworkers, however, are switching to so-called "smart phones" like Blackberries and iPhones. I'm worried that these new phones will cost more money and I won't fully understand how to work them. Should I get one? Or should I just pretend the one I have now gets internet?

--Technologically Challenged in Tulsa
Hi Challenged,

You should stop caring what other people think. Life is about empowerment and what kind of signal are you sending to people when you fret over $400 phones? Something like a Blackberry or iPhone not only costs more money, but it costs a lot of time on an alternate phone with technicians trying to fix all the malfunctions these phones present. All that time leads to an eventual inferiority disorder when you realize you're not smarter than your smart phone, which leads to even more money spend on years of therapy and acceptance.

I've been feigning my phone's intelligence for YEARS without a problem - for my own benefit, as I totally wouldn't care if people shunned me and my internetless phone. If you're still worry about social acceptance, try to buy a broken Blackberry off Ebay and just carry it around in your purse or briefcase. You can pull it out every now and then and pretend to get an important e-mail and leave the room – then they won't have the chance to see you're lying. Win-win.

Hi Katy,

I've always wanted to get a dog, but my apartment complex won't allow it. I've seen some of my neighbors have dogs (anyway) for short periods of time, and they always seem to disappear. Do you think I should take the risk and get one even though I could get in trouble with my renting agency?

--Puppy Renter
Hi Puppy,

Your powers of deductive reasoning leave nothing to covet. Let me let you in on a little secret known only by landlords and advice columnists alike.

Most landlords do not allow pets because it's cruel. Apartments, for the most part, are generally small areas and it's cruel to allow dogs to be cooped up in them. Yeah, EVEN small dogs. Most small dogs are yippy and obnoxious, which makes owning them cruel to your neighbors. If found out, these dogs are almost always professionally executed. I know it sounds mean and possibly inhumane, but it's for the good of everyone. These landlords across the country are only doing what you cannot, and that's keeping dogs out of their damn property.

Still not on board? Still think it's over the top? Then you have your answer. Do not get a dog, unless you want to see it walking away towards its doom because you can't afford a house. Get a cat instead. No one cares about cats!

As always, send the email that you want answered here next week.


  1. "ICP causes Taco Bell massacres" Someone needs to fax this to John Marx because it is true and not generalizable and he is just the man to make that false generalization and write an amusing anecdote about it!!! Also, too soon, I love it!!

  2. Was that too soon?

    Or not soon enough?

  3. Ha! You're right it was both and also at exactly the right time.

  4. Another great column Katy. Keep up the good work!

  5. Yes yes ... another great one. I always take your advice even if it doesn't apply to my own situation.

  6. In that case, my heart goes out to you Heather.


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