A Letter to David Spade

By Jake

Dear Mr. Spade,

I have never been a big fan of your work. You have always come off to me as a slimy douche, even when playing second fiddle to Chris Farley. Many people heap praise upon the movies Tommy Boy and Black Sheep. I've seen both, and they are awful. You are awful in them, and I find Farley sad. Oh, a fat guy is being called fat and doing things a fat guy would do! That's not comedy. Not to me.

I have read that you have recently sired a baby. Not only that, but it was with a Playboy Playmate (like the one in House Bunny, but probably not even half as funny as Anna Ferris, just like you), Jillian Grace. This troubles me greatly.

David, I would be a monster if I didn't fear for this child. The combination of douchebag and douchette can only lead to the dreaded ultra douche. Perhaps your child is the Anti-Christ. We'll have to sit around and wait years to find out.

I am slightly relieved to know that you have not married Jillian Grace. The child in the hands of (hopefully) only one douche, may get out unscathed. Maybe the child will repress the douche gene and come out all right. Who knows.

What we really need to talk about is your career. You are awful. I read on Wikipedia that Dennis Miller got you your job on Saturday Night Live. That's a perfect example of the douche leading the douche. You two both have a lack of charm, but an overabundance of smarm. It is only fitting that he'd bring you in.

Your movie career is like a skid mark on the underwear of Hollywood. Dickie Roberts, Joe Dirt, Benchwarmers, Lost & Found and PCU. You are unworthy of the money you make and the vagina you penetrate. If your movie career was personified it would be Ryan White (post-blood transfusion).

Yet, here you are, fucking models and starring in television show after television show. You're currently on Rules of Engagement. My rule is to not watch any awful show with you on it. Or, I'd never make an engagement to see one of your awful shows.

Jacob F. Merch


  1. Sure, fuck David Spade, but please refrain from slandering PCU when you do it. COLLEGE has never been more real.

  2. I have a bit of love for PCU, but I needed another movie to list. I'm sorry I have offended you Heather Joy.

  3. It's ok. I'm sorry I overreacted. I am a crazy feminist, not to be confused with the womynists featured in PCU. The difference is that we have all fucked David Spade.

  4. I Digg(ed) this story literally. I mean this letter. I hope he writes back. I love PCU as well and i am a feminist not to be confused with the aforementioned womynist above first seen in PCU, nor the wominist movement created by black feminist excluded by feminist. Either way David Spade is neither and worse for it.

  5. I guess this thing is kind of old, but anyway. I'll admit, I found this by googling "David Spade is a douche," but you took it a little too far by dissing Chris Farley. He was brilliant on Tommy Boy and great on Black Sheep (though not as good as the aforementioned). Rag on David Spade all you want because I am not a fan. Though, unfortunately, I do enjoy some things he plays on. Please don't talk bad about the dead though, as Chris Farley is a legend. Well thought letter though.

  6. Everyone in my family pretty much hates David Spade (Me included.) But The Emperor's New Groove is pretty good. It's mostly Patrick Warburton that's funny in that so, never mind.

  7. Nobody in the world likes David Spade!