My Dick Owes Me Money

By Jake

Yes, I made a mistake. I'll cop to it. I loaned my dick the sum of $900. I really thought I'd get the money back, I just thought that he had changed. All of my friends told me it was a bad idea, that he was not to be trusted. I scoffed at them. "He's changed," I told them. Yeah, I wish! Let me take you back to the beginning.

He needed a place to stay, after being kicked out by his parents. Okay, I went along. He promised to pay me back rent (which was only $300/month) after he got a job. No problem. He's trustworthy, I thought.

The first month was great. He and I partied every night. We stayed up and watched episodes of Hey Dude and Press Your Luck. We went bonkers whenever a Whammy came on screen. Those fucking Whammies are goofy as hell. I was paying for the satellite TV, but that's no big deal. I had only asked him to pay back rent.

The second month was fine. He would cook dinner for me pretty regularly. He made some good burritos. He can really whip up a pleasant quiche. One thing he never did was clean up after himself. That got on my nerves. I have no problem doing the dishes if he cooks. When I cook, he should show the same courtesy. If my he shaves, he should clean the sink out. I don't think I'm out of line. He got all bent out of shape when I said something, though.

Third month. This is the month where things went sour and he moved out. First, my he wouldn't come home very often. That was fine, I guess. I didn't necessarily want to see him anyway. Then he brought his rowdy drunk friends home. That was a bit annoying. They were loud and boorish. There was one night where his friends were eating my cashews. If you've ever gone to the store and paid for cashews, you'd know that they aren't cheap. They're like $6! I got really pissed. I yelled at his friend and told them that they better get out. He yelled at me, and we got into a bit of a shouting match. I'm not going to have a shouting match with anybody, let alone my dick. Maybe my girlfriend, but not him! He stormed out.

I'm blowing his cell up for two weeks. Where's the money? You owe me $900, and you're going to pay it or I'm going to have to take it out on your ass. He told me to come and get it. I show up at the Hardee's he now works at, and he's outside having a smoke.

"Oh, asshole," I say. "You have money for fuckin' smokes, but you can't throw any cash my way?"

"Fuck you, man. Don't come to where I work and give me shit."

"You fucking owe me fucking money!" I shout. My heart is pounding and my hands clench into fists. I charge.

He pushes me away. I come back and kick him in the knee. He makes the mistake of grabbing it and I land a blow right to the face. He goes flying back. I land another shot to the ribs. As he grabs them I take another shot at his face and he crumbles to the ground. I start stomping my him. He is curled into a ball. I kick him a few more times in the stomach and say, "Okay, asshole, you just paid me one month's worth of rent. You only owe me $600 now. Go inside and flip some fucking Angus, you douche."

I'm still waiting for that money.


  1. Your dick sounds like a chump!

  2. your dick sounds like a chimp we all know and love. good allegory.

  3. come to think of it, i think your dick owes me money too! that 'cocky' bastard thinks he runs this damn town.