Good Morning OYIT [March 20, 2009]

By Katy

I'm going to start right off the bat with something that caused me to be mildly livid. There's a woman named Lucy Baxter is trying to get her 21-year-old Down's syndrome child laid. Several sentences in this article angered me for several reasons, but instead of discussing them properly right here, I'm going to talk about what it led to.

First of all, a discussion betwixt my co-workers and I began when I first stated that it seems silly to worry about being a virgin at 21. That got the ball rolling to a quick back and forth about twenty-one-year-olds being a minority as virgins. A vast minority. I claimed I didn't think that was so. While I agree they're a minority, I don't believe they're a vast minority. That's right. I argued over the word vast. The closets coinciding statistics that we could use to solve this debate is 62-3% of those under 21 have had sex. I still don't consider this a vast minority, in the way that atheist are a vast minority. Plus, that number doesn't include all the people that are lying. So, I ask you to comment on this. Vast minority or just minority? It's always important to be right.

Today's Weather

Since I'm sitting under a huge, unnecessary air conditioner (and shivering like an abandoned baby left in an alley in November) I decided to live vicariously through this map of Puetro Rico and the Virgin Islands, pretending I soon shall be experiencing temperatures in the upper 70's today (I'll be in Saint Croix, most likely). What shall I do? Go swimming? Take a brisk walk in the shade? Haul my babies to the park? Who knows! But whatever it is I hope I get a mad tan and so do you!

Today's 2-Day Old News Story

On March 17, 2009 Pope Benedict XVI began what is to be a six day journey across Africa; a continent he had heard about, but his only knowledge of came from the movies The African Queen and Africa Screams. So as the Pope sits comfortably on his jet soon to land in Cameroon with his gorilla in tow, searching for his beloved and beautiful missionary lady-friend, he starts to think, wow, this place has a lot of AIDS.

He was absolutely right. A whopping sixty-seven percent of sub-Saharan Africans are infected with the HIV virus. Several organizations make it their priority to spread condoms and education around the area, but Pope Benedict XVI comes right in to tell them they're wrong. "The traditional teaching of the church has proven to be the only failsafe way to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS." I mean, really? Africa aside for the moment, Pops here seems to be under the misconception that what...? Loving God and having sex post-marriage unprotected while feeling bad about yourself is what stops AIDS? Lamo went on to say "it is of great concern that the fabric of African life, it's very source of hope and stability, is threatened by divorce, abortion, prostitution, human trafficking and a contraception mentality." DAMN YOU CONTRACEPTION MENTALITY. France and Germany got together later that day and issued a joint statement; "WTF?"

Rebecca Hordes, the Policy, Communication, and Research Director of the Treatment Action Campaign in South Africa spoke out against the Pope's fallacy, stating if he wanted to help cease Africa's spread of AIDS he'd help the campaign by condoning condom use "instead, his opposition to condoms conveys that religious dogma is more important to him than the lives of Africans." Ha. Duh?

Wow. Writing about this has made me more sad/angry than reading about it. I will just leave with this final quote from yours truly, a leader in our world: "[the virus] seriously threatens the economic and social stability of the continent." I'm not even about to get to the rest of the continent, I leave it to you to rage.

Today's Theatrical releases

  • Duplicity (PG-13)
    Normally, this kind of overdone love/action film would be cause for a sardonic review regarding how I'm totally going to see it and orgasm with excitement. BUT. I actually think I'm going to see this. I don't care about the action or the corporate nonsense, I just want to do Clive Owen. For real. And when we want to do Hollywood, we watch their movies. Plus, I enjoyed he and Julia Roberts acting opposite in Closer, and everyone that hates on Julia Roberts can just go suck on an egg.

    So, Claire Stenwick (Roberts) and Ray Covil (Owen) both are former government intelligence workers who sign on with two separate battling multinational corporations to boost consumerism and rock economic growth. Each agent embarks on their own mission to discover the next big seller product and patent it for their respective companies. But they just keep running into each other (and keep fallin' deeper and deeper in love)! What is going to happen with these two crazy cats? I don't know, but I'll soon be sitting with hundreds of other Clive-loving lonely people and together we can find out.

  • I Love You, Man (R)
    Again, something normal Katy wouldn't even flash an eye at, but I find myself considering wasting the money on this crap solely for Paul Rudd, Rashida Jones, and Jason Segel. I don't even like them that much. Actually, this one will likely be on my Netflix queue.

    Peter Klaven (Rudd) has finally proposed to his lovely girlfriend, Zooey (Jones, no character last name given, she's getting married after all). Apparently, sad, old Petey has no friends, so he attends speed dating to find his new man BFF. He immediately falls for Sydney Fife (Segel) but Zooey is sooo not down with this. Who will Pete choose: his woman or his man? This movie will be hilarious.

  • Knowing (R)
    Nicholas Cage--why do you want me to hate you? You used to make fun movies and now you're just keeping global destruction at bay. Please go back to talking ridiculous and following Peggy Sue around; your band can still make it.

    It's 1958 and a teacher out of ideas asks all the children in the class to write something stupid and shove it in a time capsule. A crazy, little girl plagued by faceless whispers simply jots down a series of numbers she hears.

    Flash forward to 2009! Caleb (some kid) is part of the class that opens the time capsule and ends up with said number-ridden paper. He takes it home to daddy (Cage) who discovers (after a series of homoerotic dreams) the numbers coincide with the dates, death tolls and coordinates of every major disaster of the last fifty years! But wait! There are three sets of numbers set for the future. Awwwww, shit. Now we're depending on Cage to save humanity and himself....... FROM SNOREFEST 2009. Go see this if you hate yourself.

    Today's Facebook Application Featurette

    Pet Society...

    is by far the most amazing FB application to date. My generation was proud to take part in the Giga Pet/Tomogotchi revolution of 1997, making Pet Society the perfect nostalgia experience. Now our pets wear clothes, place in track events, never urinate or deficate, can't seem to die, excel at interior decorating, and your pals can help with their upkeep!

    Update: Courtney's pet, Fabio, has always been in the lead, level-wise, while my pet, Lothario, held a solid second and Sarah's pet, Fritzmolly, lagged behind as a close third. Fritzmolly overtook Lothario a few days ago and I was like heeeeeellllls no. When I logged on today I found Sarah in first, me in second, and Courtney (too busy focusing on schoolwork to join this whirlwind of competitive pet raising) fallen to third. I worked all night (fifteen minutes) to catch up to Fritz, but I had to put it aside (to write GM) with a mere 100 points to go.

    I need everyone to join Pet Society, make me your Facebook friend, and let me care for your pet so Lothario and I can claim our rightful place and send that purple, puke-faced pansy to the gadget store to purchase a six-foot noose.

    I was done writing this, but Sarah just informed me that she is bouncing from my house to Courtney's, gaining 5 points at a time to reach an unheard of level 17! Help me people, throw me a bone (ba-ZING) and have a fabulous and prosperous day.

    1. That was fabulous, Katy. You clearly worked very hard.

    2. Good job.

      I really want to see I Love You, Man. Ebert said it was very funny.

      If that Julia Roberts movie is like Closer, I'm staying the fuck away from it. I hated Closer. Yuck.

    3. I'm 123% positive it's nothing like Closer.

    4. I had philosophical problems with Closer, but not nearly as many as I did with the Tomogotchi.

      Also, I hate Nick Cage. I haven't seen anything of his I enjoyed since Adapation.

    5. I see that you have not only leveled up, but advanced ahead of me again. This shit is ON!!!

      <3 Sarah & Fritzmolly

    6. I didn't enjoy adaptation and THE GAME'S UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE, SARAH.