By Glenn

Good morning. I know it takes a lot of nerve for me to show my online face around these parts after abandoning OYIT like Mickey Rourke did to Evan Rachel Wood in the Wrestler. Thankfully I was born with an overabundance of nerves - it was even mentioned in a medical journal about nerves - and I feel no shame in waltzing back into the ring like Mickey Rourke did at the end of the Wrestler. Even though I could drop dead at any time, I bring you the good morning post because it's the only way to feel like my life means anything.

[The rest of the post will not reference the Wrestler, but those of you who have seen the film hopefully appreciated the references.]

Today's Weather

I had a picture all ready to go but the wind blew it away. Yes, up here in northwestern Illinois there is a wind storm a-blowin' that could end up killing all the fertile women in a 150 mile radius, or at least make them unfertile. No one, except while watching John Carpenter's Village of the Damned, ever really thinks that the weather will affect a woman's reproductive system but it can happen. I'm worried this wind will turn this area into a Children of Men dystopia, but not worried enough to stay inside. After all, I'm not a woman and I will never conceive anything other than ideas for jokes and I will never birth anything but this website.

Today's Time Switch
I was excited as any of you peasants on Saturday night when 2am suddenly became 3am without 60 minutes between them. "Daylight Savings Time has come here to save us from our light mornings and dark nights!" we all thought to ourselves. But today at noon DST will end as quickly as it became, and we will return to regular standard time. So remember, if you have an appointment for noon, don't go to at noon because it will actually be eleven a.m. then. Wait ANOTHER hour for the new and improved noon. And if you have an appointment at 3pm, just following your atomic clock and you'll be on time to sign those adoption papers.

Today's Movie
Last night I watched The Forgotten with my parents. It's a movie and turned out to be a punishment as well - I guess they still haven't forgiven me for driving to Chicago without their permission when I was 17. Though a decade can heal most wounds, I don't think I'll ever be healed of the cinematic scars Julianne Moore and "McNulty" from the Wire left on my cinematic brain. It wasn't that the movie was so terrible; it just left a lot of unanswered questions. Since I watched it with my parents, you might think I could just ask them to solve life's mysteries as I did growing up. I'm too old for that now, and I know more about movies than they do. It was nice to finally watch a film with them that wasn't (*SPOILER ALERT*) torture porn (*END SPOILER ALERT*) though.

Today's Prediction
50 mile per hour winds will blow the hour hand of the atomic clock back approximately twelve hours so midnight becomes noon and vice versa. This will in turn corrupt women's biological clocks to the extent they are not able to consistently and fully ovulate. For those who still can, they will need to maintain the connection to their eventual children if they have any hope of finding them again, like Julianne Moore does in The Forgotten. (*END SPOILER ALERT*)


  1. welcome back and with a great gold-mine, even without visuals.

  2. This is a good morning that even blind people can enjoy.

  3. Glenn, I still hate you for abandoning OYIT and never texting or g-chatting. You are a traitor!

  4. you will never live down that chicago trip!!

    PS you should have put spoiler alerts in the first paragraph, because you have successfully RUINED THE ONE MOVIE I REALLY WANTED TO SEE THIS!!!1

  5. Keelin, I'm back obviously. Look at this post and our current gchat conversation about your mysterious British suitor.

    Maddie, The Forgotten is almost five years old. The only movie you've been really serious about seeing lately is The Last House on the Left.