Hi Katy - Issue IX

By katy

It is official! Hi Katy has now made the move to Wednesdays. I had a few comments expressing sadness and even anger that my column hadn't graced the site yet this week; I would never let you down, Mike. Let's look at this as a positive thing. Now readers have ample time to e-mail me their weekend plights and lover's quarrels and my answers will be more immediate. No longer will a hungry pizza eater spend five days anxiously awaiting my advocacy. Keep these questions rolling friends--without you I'm nothing.

Hi Katy-
I recently bought a box of Pop Tarts. While they were delicious and I ate them rather quickly, my enjoyment was somewhat hindered by the outer edge, or the "crust." Do you think that they'll ever make Pop Tarts without that awful crust?
-Flop Tart

Hi Flop-
In my opinion the only good Pop Tart is a nonexistent Pop Tart. When I was a little kid I ate Pop Tarts all the time and loved them. Then, one day I was informed eating a strawberry Pop Tart straight from the bag would be like heaven! It was--for five whole minutes, then relentless vomiting ensued. Since that day I can't stand the sight, smell, or mere mention of the Pop Tart. In fact, I just broke my train of thought to yak in a nearby trashcan.

I'm sure my gag reflex will not independently stop you from poisoning yourself with the pseudo-food-like ingredients of Pop Tarts, so I may as well address your crust concern. No, Pop Tarts will never stop making this basic, tasteless, flour plus water crust base. They're cheap. You want to enjoy your crust? It's time to splurge an extra dollar on some Toaster Strudels. While they're too similar to Pop Tarts for my liking, I once had a breakfast strudel I was mildly fond of, especially the warm, flaky crust. Or, you know, eat some actual food.
Hi Katy-
I'm a big girl, 5'6" and 245 LBS, and I haven't had much luck with men. I'm considering joining an online dating service, but I don't know how to describe myself without scaring men away. Can you help me, Katy?
-More To Love

Hi More-
Of course I can help you, it's what I do! First piece of advice--consider joining a gym. Unless you're one of those nut jobs that finds their crushed organs to be beautiful, then we'll check out some additional routes.

First of all, describing your physical self shouldn't take up much of a profile. Eye color, hair color, whether you go Brazilian or not (depending on the site), and the rest is about you as a person. Photos tell of your physical state, just pick a flattering one. Here's a good one, but it only works if you're pretty in the face. Find a picture off the Internet of a thinner, far less attractive girl and add it as an older picture. Then, add a picture of current, fatty you and make some mention in your profile about how you "filled out." Hopefully, the shift from ugly, thin girl to pretty, tub-o-lard will detract from your aforementioned gut. Oh, and don't post a picture of you in a tank top. Why do chunky people think that looks appropriate?

Another aspect you may not have considered is that some guys seek out larger girls. Yeah--you're a fetish sweetheart. I can tell you from experience that knowing someone's main attraction to you is also your greatest bane, makes you feel super awesome. You'll find someone. Give it time and a little effort.
Hi Katy-
I have been reading your article for a while now, and it seems like you're on the level, as they say. I need some relationship advice. My husband is always watching football or basketball or baseball or boxing of MMA or hockey, it's like he doesn't even notice me anymore. Am I just overreacting or is it all right for me to be upset? I mean, my hubbie works hard to support us. Maybe I should try to get into his interests? What if he won't get any of mine. HELP ME KATY!
-Waning Wife

Hi Waning-
Why wasn't this an issue when you were dating? Is this an arranged marriage of some kind? Did he hide his on-going sports obsession from you during the courting period? I just can't stand it when people don't think these things through. Especially if you're going to commit to a life together. I'll do what I can to fix your mess.

You need to approach your husband. Communication needs to be a common interest or at least an understanding, if you want to get anywhere. I would agree you should take an interest in his interests, though it's likely he won't extend the same courtesy to you. If you don't want to watch sports then fine, I'm with you. Go read a book or do anything else that interests you. It's a possibility he doesn't want you watching games/matches with him maybe that's his solitary or friend time. This is why communicating with him is best. Don't force him to be happy with any of the above possibilities and don't make it about poor, neglected you. Just ask his honest preferences; watch together or separate? Maybe he's dying to share this classic past time with you. If so, I apologize.

Oh, also. If it's just attention you want give this a shot. Find out what season it is--baseball, football, etc. Wait until the end of a game he's watching and strut into the living room (or wherever) dressed like a slutty version of his favorite team from the corresponding sport. Where one would think seeing someone wear the outfit of your favorite football player would be creepy or odd--this route just plays into the homoerotic tendencies clinging to your husband deep down and you can procure some excellent sex out of the deal.
Hi Katy-
I have spent most of my life alone. I was raised by a single mother, and she partied .I was put in my own dorm room in college, then I got a job and moved into my own studio apartment. I'm starting to think I'll never find anybody and am destined to be alone. Are those feelings founded in reality, or am I jut being a drama queen?
-Phone Alone

Hi Alone-
Other than being raised by Charles Manson's mother, your life sounds amazingly perfect. You definitely don't sound overtly dramatic. I suppose if finding someone is really your central goal there are several things you can do to seek some lovers out.

Work is a good starting point. I remember being told once, "at some point in their life everyone will sleep with three of their co-workers and date one of them." Now, maybe my hearing this turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy, but that could work for you, too! Since you likely spend a good deal of your waking hours with co-workers, the likelihood of getting to know someone and gradually becoming interested in them is much greater.

If you prefer not to date at work, I can understand that too. If you truly want to find someone you'll have to subject yourself to activities involving other people. You can frequent a coffee shop, book store, ride the same bus route, stalk men in video stores (score, you'll already know whether or not you like the same movies), people-watch at the mall, go clubbing, join some volunteer organizations, hang out at the gun range...whatever type of significant other you're looking for, there's a club or online community for it. Happy hunting!
Hi Katy-
My favorite of The Beatles was always George Harrison. He wrote "Taxman." What is your favorite song by them and by George Harrison?

Hi Daytripper-
Ok. So, I know everyone is suppose to be born with auto-Beatles-likage implants in their brain--but my brain is clearly screwed. Don't misunderstand, I know they played a significant contribution to music and that jazz. I listened to my Yellow Submarine album constantly when I was but a child... but they never really grew on me.

Here's what I think happened. Freshman and Sophomore year in high school I took Keyboarding A, B and Business Law; the latter two classes were taught by the same person whom I'll refer to as Mrs. Clove. In Keyboarding A we would sometimes be indulged with a little Beatles listening and it was enjoyable, for the most part. When I moved on to Mrs. Clove's classes I spent an entire year hearing that same Beatles' album (and the Dirty Dancing soundtrack) every. single. freaking. day. Quite frankly, The Beatles wore out their welcome.

The closest thing I have to a favorite Beatles song is Elliott Smith's cover of John Lennon's Jealous Guy. I mean, I like Yesterday, Maxwell's Silver Hammer, and Eleanor Rigby should they grace my auditory senses, but I don't often seek them out. In regards to my favorite George Harrison song--trick question. Harrison didn't write a single good song. Peace.
Hi Katy-
This actually happened, 'kay?

I was at this party with a couple of friends, we are all over eighteen, and my friend decides to bring his underage girlfriend over. Mind you, we are all trough-faced. My friend's girl decides she wants to put on a shower, and starts fucking my friend in front of us all! They continue this for quite some time, and another man decides to try and grope her. I took this drunkard into the sleeping quarters and put him to bed. I come back out to the show, and she is sucking another guy off, while still fucking her boyfriend! Now, at this point, everyone is sooo drunk that they are about to pass out. My friend and I put them to bed, and the three deviants decide to do the same. We go into the bedroom and the BF & GF start fucking again! The little whore that she is, bless her sweet heart, offers me the oral end of the deal. Sure, why not? We do this for some time and my drunk friend gives me the "dick salute" and a thumbs up. I go to reposition myself, slip, and knee her right in the face! Game over, right? WRONG! I stop, but she keeps fucking my friend! They finish, and she says the nicest thing: "I'm sorry I didn't get to finish you off." :O!!! I knee her, and she apologizes to me?! I declined her offer to finish me off.

Statiscally, what's the best starter Pokemon? I can't decide.

Hi Pokeawesome-
I'm ignoring that story to sever any legal ties I have to the statutory gang rape of a minor. (Off the record, that is mad crazy, man.)

I haven't played Pokemon since I was thirteen and it's my understanding that there are now 1,006 starter Pokemon of the current 8.700 to all catch. I'll have to trot down Geek Memory Lane to find a girl who cared for and forged inner-species battles with her beloved Bulbasaur. Oh yes. Once upon a time I was a Charmandar fan, but that was long before I found out how badass vine whip was. Bulbasaur was one oft he few Pokemon who could rape rock and ice pokemon and destory the Elite without evening sucking down a potion.

I can't give you any specifics about statistical data because I don't feel like taking the time to look that up. I say go with your gut and when you find a fave, stick with it and they'll treat you a whole lot better than you treat them. Also, what is a dick salute?

Remember to email me at katy@oneyearintexas.com if you have any questions.


  1. I took all the advice this week and now my life is great. Thanks Katy!

  2. Every column by a woman on this site is better than every column by a man. Keep up the good work Katy.