Hi Katy - Issue XII

By Katy

Hi Katy-
I have extremely pushy and inconsiderate neighbors. They never mow their lawn, constantly have loud parties, beat their children in their driveway, block my driveway, etc. I could go on all day! I'm at the end of my rope with them. I don't know what I can do, though. I don't think I can call the police, although I have when they beat their kids a couple times. What is your suggestion?
-'Nnoying Neighbors

Hi 'Nnoying-
It sounds like you're in quite the pickle. One thing you should always do in times like these is look at your own actions; i.e.What am I doing to cause the beatings of these children? Has an action of mine in the recent future persuaded the neighbors to keep their grass at this unkempt level? If you decide that no, you haven't aided to domestic violence or lawn faux pas in any manner then we can continue with external solutions.

I don't know why you feel you can't call the police. Is it because in the past when you've called them they have left the children to be beaten? Faith in our police force has certainly dwindled in the last twenty years but is it because we expect them to do more or because they're doing less? Yeah. Think about that. In this new world of "mind your own business" the police do so much more than they used to, and yet, still too little. So, instead of focusing on how to get those kids outa there, let's deal with the lawn issue.

If you're living in an apartment you can call a landlord, but if you're living in a house in a neighborhood, there's usually some sort of neighborhood representative you can call. I don't know the official title of these people because they're relatively new and mostly unimportant, but they're there to hear all the complaints of the 'hood. Certainly, someone would have complained about the grass length at this point. Most towns and cities have ordinances stating the max length the lawn is allowed to reach. What I'm saying is, stop trying to pin them with the big things and go for the tiny things, people will be more apt to help if they don't have to get their conscience involved. Have the neighborhood sign a petition to get these freaks out of there!

And maybe call DHS?

Hi Katy-
My girlfriend is always bossing me around. The second I get home from work she asks me to take the trash out. Like this bitch can't take the trash out. Sure I could break up with her, but she gives me blowjobs all the time. What should I do? I don't want the bj's to stop!
-Soul Sucker

Hi Sucker-
Trash is certainly icky, I don't blame you for reaching this point of frustration. I had to take the trash out yesterday and I didn't get a single blowjob for it. I would normally just say to suck it up and take it out, but it seems your problems go much deeper to where you've actually developed a deeply rooted abandonment problem.

You need to know that you have more worth than what you're giving yourself credit for. Yes, that bitch can take out the garbage, but by asking you to do it she's providing you with a job, a skill, and a purpose. Everyone needs a purpose, and garbage duty probably suits you well.

To address the abandonment issue, let's say that you don't take the trash out and either you leave the bitch or she leaves you. I want you to know there are other blowjobs out there. They were going down in popularity for a while, but I hear they're back on... the rise. HEY-oh. I bet without even trying you'll find another bitch who will provide bjs without the trash nonsense, but I really wanted you to think about this. You might go out there to find this wonderful blowjob life and instead find you lack purpose and meaning, and then it might be too late.

Hi Katy-
I recently transferred to a new school and I don't now anyone. I get out of my apartment every day to at least go to classes and the grocery store - so I'm at least in better shape than prisoners at the Bagram military base in Afghanistan (Obama's new Guantanamo). Even though I make some superficial contact every day, I'd like some new friends. Should I just wait for them to come to me or do I have to do something to make new friends?
-Friend Searcher

Hi Searcher-
Superficial contact is what blossoms into friendships. Work, school, the grocery store, all these things are what adults use to form fake friendships that will lead into hot romances. Are you looking for hot romances? I suppose they could turn into regular old friendships too, but it won't make for a good novel.

You may have to actually approach a person or two to find out a little about them and for them to learn about you. Remember though, if you're timid then your clothes, hair, and accessories can speak volumes for you. If you carry some sort of bag or purse be sure to cover it with patches or buttons of bands, political statements, preferred artwork, and Hot Topic sayings about your life. Likewise, wear shirts displaying your interest whether that be music, books, dogs, cats, video games, whatever. The important part is to leave nothing to the imagination. Once everyone can instantly learn all there is to know about you from a belt buckle they'll approach YOU. Just hang in there, it'll get better soon.

Hi Katy-
I'm extremely afraid of ventriloquists dummies.
-Annie Autonomatonophobia

Hi Autonomatonophobia-
While that's mildly interesting it's not a question, so I don't really know how to approach this. I assume you just Googled "phobias" or "list of phobias" and picked one and then sent it to me.

What you really are is lonely. That's okay, I have a lot of lonely people e-mail me. Actually, I'm considering turning the Hi Katy advice column into a Pay-Hi-Katy-to-be-your-dating-adviser column. I can start one of those under-complicated computer programs that picks a percentage of compatibility and sets up blind dates. I could take this worldwide in no time.

Feel free to mail me again should you have a question or just an unquenchable thirst for human contact. Have a great day.

I don't smoke pot but I support its legalization. How can I advocate for what seems like a clear cut stronger policy position without having to sit through jokes about how I ride the Canni-Bus or if I have seen the director's cut of Pineapple Express. I really care about reforming drug policy!
-High Lois

Hi Lois-
First of all, don't just advocate, get out there and activate! Err, get more involved with forums and interest groups that, like you, may not participate in the use of illegal drugs, but have formed a political, social, and economical basis on which to share their claims. This will help you actually do something about it as well as hopefully hear some better pot jokes. Really, those were very bad.

In my many journeys I have met several drug advocates that chose to withhold from partaking drugs themselves. I think if you spent some time searching for these forums online or Facebook groups you'll have a professional, intellectually open bracket of people to discuss your feelings as well as how to deal with the public.

Whatever you do, don't continually deny it. It wastes time and it causes everyone to revert to a second grader's way of thinking. Once you've stated that that is where you stand, let people think what they want to think. Should they continue to claim it's because you're a drug user, simply bypass this way of thinking and continue to provide facts and knowledge like you would to grown adults. Even if you were using drugs, your reasons shouldn't be any less valid. Go get 'em Blaze.

Hi Katy-
I lost a good chunk of money in a poker game. My girlfriend is going to be so mad. Should I lie to her about the missing money, or should I come clean and face the consequences?
-Poker Problem

Hi Problem-
Is it your money or joint money? If it's just your's, you're really not obligated to come clean. It would be nice, but not absolutely necessary.

If it's joint money then my guess is she's going to find out anyway and instead of letting her think you dropped thousands on a new birthday present for her, perhaps you should tell her what's up. She is going to mad. Really, really mad. But guess what? You're just going to have to take it. Economical issues aside, when you get mixed up with gambling you're going to win big or go home. That's why it's gamble. You took a gamble on making your girlfriend happy with a surprise sum of winnings or making her hate you when you blow the down payment on a house. It's up to you to fix this.

You should probably look into this gambling problem further. It could tear this entire relationship apart much quicker than lying will. I find Pogo really helpful when I'm trying to satiate my gambling needs. On Pogo you can play with tokens and not cash, but can still win cash. It's like a gamble on fake gamble for the gamble of real money. It's pretty awesome. Give it a whirl!

Hi Katy-
The movie Problem Child is an undeniable classic. Problem Child 2 is slightly flawed, but still very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY funny. What is your favorite part in the Problem Child movies (would you please list as least one for each movie and if you haven't seen it go see it and then answer my very important questions about the hilarious movies Problem Child and Problem Child 2.)
-Problem Child Fan

Hi Fan-

Rest assured, I am going to watch both of these movies and get back to you. Just keep checkin'.

That's the end. It feels like it went quickly, but this is only the beginning on this world makeover I'm embarking on. Keep e-mailing me questions and keep living life.


  1. This is one of the best issues of Hi Katy thus far.

  2. Jake understates. This is THE best issue of Hi Katy in history.

  3. I hope with Earth Day and 4/20 coming up there will be more questions about getting high or from people who got high and ruined their lives by watching The Bride of Chucky instead of going to their wedding rehearsal.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.