Good morning from OYIT [April 16, 2009]

By Ingrid

Good morning…OR IS IT? Even if you are having a good morning, it’s important to remember that the majority of people in the world are having horrible ones. Consider the following stats, taken from

-80% of humans live on less than $10 a day, which is about half of the cost of feeding Glenn a single meal.
-25,000 children die every day in poverty. Did you survive childhood, and did you have Cadbury eggs on Easter? Yes? Count yourself lucky.
-1.1 billion people live without clean water. I can’t imagine not being able to drink safe water when I was thirsty. I can't imagine not being able to leave the water running full blast when I brush my teeth or talk on the phone.

Of course, life is not so bad if you are in school. People in school are relatively sheltered from the sagging job market and the international shortage of clean water. My dad forced me to re-enroll in college as a grad student and said he would come get me when the economic crisis had blown over. That was years ago, before the economic crisis had even really started. I think he may have abandoned us.

How the Weather Works

As you can see, this is how our weather system works. The earth, sun, and atmosphere just sort of keep volleying radiation back and forth at each other all day until the sun goes down, which causes the water from the sea to evaporate. Consequently, the pine trees suffer from mild to severe friction. Friction amongst trees is one of the most alarming issues in our modern world — in some ways more disturbing than aforementioned poverty stats. The white mountains just sit there silently, having little to no effect on the weather. The next time you have a question about the weather, consult this diagram.

Phallic-shaped Object of the Day

The geoduck! Immature people like myself are always giggling because they think that everything resembles a penis – the Washington Monument, certain types of cacti, certain types of squash, hot dogs (veg or meat), the bell curve – but in reality, the similarities between these objects and the male organ are just wishful thinking (ESPECIALLY the Washington Monument, women, am I right??). In reality, only two things really look like a penis besides an actual penis: 1) Michael Stipe’s bald, post-1993 head and 2) the geoduck!

The geoduck is a strange species of saltwater clam that moves by siphoning water out of its long shaft in an orgasmic way. It is sometimes referred to as the King of Clams, just as the penis is frequently referred to by the patriarchal news media as the King of Genitals. But, before you go laughing the geoduck off as just another phallic-shaped object, get this: its life expectancy is around 146 years! Can your erection say that??!

I myself love the geoduck, and I hope you do, too. It is undeniably hilarious. And tasty, too! The Chinese, those quirky culinary experimenters, eat the geoduck as a delicacy; the King of Clams is said to have a delicious nutty (ha, ha) flavor and a nice crunchy texture. The silly hippies at Evergreen State College even went so far as to adopt it as their mascot.

On second thought, never mind the part about all those babies dying! WE have water to drink, and that's all that matters! Have a great day!


  1. As a tribute to this good morning article I'm going to mix dirt into all of the water I drink today.

  2. i just had to wiki the geoduck and omg - hilarity ensued. all sorts of phallic jokes jammed into one tank. this is nature's greatest joke. MUCH funnier than the dodo! thank you ingrid...a million times, thank you.

  3. I thought we could go ONE DAY without hiring about the geoduck.


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