Morning (4-3-09)

By Jake

I'm back once again this week to wish you a good morning and, if it's your birthday, a happy birthday. Today is Glenn's birthday, in case you weren't aware. So please direct all the e-cards toward I was going to ask him to write it today, but it's not fair to have to craft this while doing keg stands.


Yesterday started off pretty nice, a bit over 50 degrees. Throughout the day it got colder until I had to go ice fishing for my fucking dinner. I just don't understand how the Inuits do it. I only caught used condoms full of feces and one fish which I was pretty sure had HIV.

As you can see by the above map, in Chicago it's supposed to be 52 degrees. I don't think it will maintain at that temperature so it's condoms and feces for dinner again. Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan of that meal. I will have to mask the flavor with terriyaki sauce.

A Great Reason to Move to Oklahoma

Truckzilla is a car eating, fire breathing badass motherfucker that has stolen my heart and stashed it in Oklahoma. If I were a car, like in that movie Cars, I would have night terrors about Truckzilla. Instead I have nocturnal emissions when I dream of it (or him). If a T-rex met Truckzilla, the T-Rex would have a heart attack and Truckzilla would feed the delicious, tender T-Rex meat to all of the Cavemen, like Ringo Star. When OYIT names its Man of the Year, my vote is going to Truckzilla.

The Perfect Birthday Present for Glenn
Seeing as it's Glenn's birthday, it is only fitting to determine what the perfect gift would be to surprise him with. Some may think that he would enjoy a live bootleg of a Blind Melon Concert, but he already owns many of their classic shows. Others might give him model rocket kits, but he has put more models together than Lou Pearlman has put together boy bands (before bilking them out of their money). No, what Glenn would love is his self-described "white whale," the Nine Inch Nails import only album Fixed. If you are not familiar with it, Fixed is the compliment EP to Broken. While it contains some remixes, it also has a few original tracks. When Glenn finally receives his copy of Fixed his life will be complete and so will his NIN record collection.

Have a great day everybody!


  1. I hope to never get Fixed even though it's what I want more than anything in the world.

  2. You haven't heard "Happiness in Slavery" until you've heard the version on Fixed.

  3. Sorry to hear about your dinner of feces filled condoms and HIV fish.