Hi Katy - Issue XVI I/II [Desperation Edition]

By Katy

Yes, yes, it's me again. I had an e-mail waiting for me when I logged on to my computer today and what I found was an urgent cry for instant solutions from a girl at the end of her guidance rope. She begged and begged me (using emoticon after emoticon with dripping tears) to answer her plea and lead her somewhere. Well, what kind of adviser would I be if I just told her to sit tight 'til next Wednesday? A really, really bad one, and I'm NOT a really bad one. So, as a treat for everybody, here's the follow up issue to yesterday's Hi Katy. I hope this finds that poor girl well.

Hi Katy,
Is it cheating if it happens online?? Thanks!
-Betrayed Betsy

Hi Betsy,
What a heavy question. I feel like there are several ways to come at this question, so the easiest and best approach would be to discuss all the different kinds of online cheating one could partake in.

  • Live Webcam Sex--paid with a credit card: No, I absolutely don't think this is cheating. And remember, I'm talkin' specifically a site one must enter by paying with a credit card meaning that unless they visit the same girl frequently, they don't really know the other person and then it's basically interactive porn. It's really no different from porn, it's just one person using visuals, sounds, and imagination to enjoy masturbation. Used occasionally, I don't see a problem with this sad and pitiful attempt to interact with a human. However, if it becomes a constant habit and the individual is going into debt visiting their dream girl every night on the web--I think you could make a good case for cheating in that case, because they're cheating you out of a sound future.

  • Text Chat Rooms: I really feel this is the most innocent of all cyber sex, especially now. When chat rooms were first becoming popular there was a big problem weeding out the thirteen-year-olds that just wanted to chat and the forty-five-year-olds who wanted to cyberly rape them. Now, there are thousands of millions of billions of websites specified for all interests and desires including those that are meant for people who want to type out how they feel "down there." Yes, thirteen-year-olds may still get into the chat room, but they know why they're there. Is it cheating? I don't think so. Especially in this situation it's important for people to pretend they're everything they're not; Bigger breasts or larger penises, older or younger, long, brown hair or short, spikey pink hair. I see it as a quick acting out of a fantasy that releases some sexual frustration.

  • Webcam to Webcam Sex: There are two ways to look at this. Two people that know each other and have some sort of relationship be that friend, ex-lover, roommates (don't ask), whatever--I feel that having sex online ESPECIALLY when a webcam is involved is creepy and also cheating. Basically if those two people were in a room together there would be nothing stopping them from actually having sex. I know I said there were two ways to look at this, but now that I think about it I'm going to say it's all the same. Two people who don't know each other that engage in webcam to webcam sex is also cheating as the the same concept applies; it's just strangers hooking up. The great part is, webcam cheating doesn't end in AIDS, HPV, or babies.

  • Online Dating:Many sites are set up to choose your marital status because online dating websites are immoral and promote adultery. Unless you and your significant other have discussed joining a site as a couple or you have an open relationship (which you probably don't because you asked this question) it's definitely cheating. Well, if they're attempting to find a sexual partner or create a new relationship. You have to be very careful not to confuse friendship with romantic relationships, but we'll get to that in a little bit.

  • Emotional Cheating: Now this I am definitely on the fence about. We'll just say for now that this embodies any kind of communication that I have or have not covered wherein an emotional tie is built. While I don't support emotional cheating, I also don't believe one can totally only like everything about one person at a time. That's ridiculous. It's important to appreciate likable personalities or looks or humor, but when it gets to the point where that relationship takes over the initial romantic relationship already in place, then you've got a problem.

    Earlier in the evening before I started writing this response, I had a conversation amongst my co-workers based on a like experience. Allow me to rehash this for you:

    Mike was speaking to us about a situation wherein he told a male friend online "I love you." His girlfriend was taken aback by this action and was quite frankly dumbfounded. Sarah and myself couldn't reason why that would be a problem. As we continued talking it occurred to us that the differences in how we interact with our friends prior to being exposed to several personality types, explains why someone might see a normal situation as abnormal. For example, where my friends were very physical and we could cuddle on a couch or kiss as a "hello" or spend the evening in each other's beds and remain platonic, Sarah had a very nonphysical relationship with her friends.

    I bring this up because it's a good example of differences of perception. I can tell you what I think is or isn't cheating, but unlike my advice (which is solid) cheating is quite relative, ESPECIALLY on the Internet because it doesn't involve any obvious sexual passing of "the line."

    In all honestly I should probably mention that I don't really see much of what happens on the Internet as cheating. Whether you know someone or not, the Internet has it's way of skewing normal perceptions. How people write isn't always the same as how they speak. Most communication online is done via typing, therefore, you might not know that person like you know them in real life. That's why distinguishing emotional cheating is much more difficult than that of a sexual nature. So...

    As I say, talk to your significant other about this if it's a problem for you. If you don't trust them to tell you the truth then you have a major problem anyway and online cheating should be the least of your worries. Be sure not to jump to conclusions, as your emotions may overtake your practicality. If you walk in on them and they're in front of a webcam lovin' themselves to the cable fast deliverance of rapid speed video, feel free to bring that up to them with or without a wiffle bat.

    Also, I Googled cybersex to find out what it was and instead found this...

    ...and that's where most of my information came from.

    Yay! Hi Katy two days in a row, one of which is an entire post of one question is pretty amazing. It gave me an opportunity to be super deep which is my passion in life plus someone got the help they desperately needed. Being a super hero is certainly neat. NOW I'll see you next week!

    1. this really clarifies the online cheating issue.

      what if you meet someone online despite being in an exclusive relationship with a significant other and you flirt for months and months and finally decide to meet, and when you show up at the designated meeting spot holding a red rose and a copy of a chick lit novel, you discover that your online fling is really your significant other?? is it cheating if you are both cheating on one another with one another? or does it cancel itself out? the internet makes things so confusing!

    2. Enjoy a moment of extremely awkward silence, laugh it off, and enjoy your date talking about how crazy it all is.

      It could end up being really romantic?