Hi Katy - Issue XIX (Mikey Edition)

By Mikey

Hi everybody, I was asked to fill in for Katy while she gets surgery. I hope I can do a good job and fill her shoes. Whenever my wife asks me for advice she never takes it. My friend Larry takes it sometimes, and it usually works out well for him.

Hi Katy,
I have to take a trip Milwaukee, WI for business next week. I was wondering if you could recommend me a good restaurant to eat at?
-Hungry Harry

Harry, I have been to Wisconsin Dells with the family many times, and every time it was a blast. Tommy Bartlet can perform like nobody's business, God rest his soul. With that being said, I always made sure to stop in Milwaukee on our way back home for all of its rich culture (and some nice fishing if I could get a moment to myself!). So, of course, we always ended up eating out, because that's just what you do when you're not at home, right? Well, you all know by now that I wear my love of Arby's proudly on my sleeve. There are 11 Arby's in the city! It's practically heaven. I don't think I need to list every location because you're on the internet and there's probably a way to look up addresses on Google or Ask Jeeves. Every Arby's that I have been to is great, in Milwaukee and where ever my travels take me.

Hi Katy,
I'm out of shape and getting more out of shape with each passing day. What are some good exercises that I could do to shed some of these excess pounds?
-Fat Stevens

Hi Fat, you are definitely asking the wrong guy about exercise. The last time I saw a gym was when our local high school basketball team was in the playoffs, which was a very long time ago. Those guys are terrible! For a while I thought I could just walk every night and that'd be enough exercise. It wasn't. You need to do something more than that. What? I have no idea. I'm not a physical trainer. I would say run, but I honestly have no clue.

A really big part of losing weight is dieting. I can handle going on a diet, which means I have to stop eating so much fast food and late night cheese and crackers. The fast food is hard to give up, but I can make my own sandwiches (or wraps, which is what my wife forces me to eat). I hate dieting because I can't eat Spaghetti for dinner. I have to eat stuff like grilled chicken breast or fish. I can't even have potatoes. Dinner without potatoes is like Salt and Peppa without DJ Spinderella.

Losing weight is a chore, and we all hate doing chores. What we all like doing is playing games. Make losing weight a game. How? That's for you to figure out, I'm trying the best I can, but this is hard. Just play some basketball I guess.

Hi Katy,
I have a friend who is always saying racial slurs against almost every race. It makes me uncomfortable, but he always has the best weed. Should I keep hanging with him so I can smoke his bud or should I just go back to smoking regs with my non-racist friends?
-Pothead Pete

Hi Pete, this is a difficult question for me to answer. I have never smoked marijuana. I don't do drugs. I don't even like taking an Aspirin if I have a headache. Regardless, I'll do my best.

Okay, this guy is a racist and you're not. They say opposites attract, but that would only work if you were a woman (the opposite of a man). So we're right back where we started. Since this guy is smoking reefers with you, maybe it doesn't matter that he's being racist, but I don't know for sure since I've never smoked it. I'll try to relate in a non-drug sense.

If I had a friend who said something bad about black people I would ask them to stop. If they did it again I would leave the BBQ and eat green beans out of a can in my kitchen and I listen to a mix of 90s hits. I would do this even if they were cooking ribs. So maybe that's similar to your really good marijuana. If I'm addicted to anything it's gotta be ribs.

Hi Katy,
I really hate tomatoes, but tomatoes are on EVERYTHING these days. If I'm ordering food at a restaurant I usually ask the server to leave them off, but I always feel like such a bother. Is there a way I could force myself to like tomatoes or is it a lost cause?
-Tomato-hatin' Tammy

This is a great question. Tomatoes are a 'love it or leave it' fruit. I like tomatoes in ketchup, spaghetti sauce and salsa, but that's it. I have never felt like a burden ordering my burger without the tomato, I'm paying for it so they can just deal with it. Really, if you think about it, the chef probably doesn't mind since they'll just have to not put something on it. If these people are somehow angered by this, then they probably should get some professional help. I mean, it's just a tomato.

Hi Katy,
I talk to my ex-boyfriend on the phone a lot and some times we even hang out. I've been seeing this guy for almost two years and he acts like it doesn't bother him, but I think it really does...probably because I said I'm the type to cheat and not tell. Do you think it upsets him and I should stop, or is it okay because we're only friends?
-Cheatin' Cathy

Hi Cathy, this is a trick question, I think. First of all, your name has "Cheatin'" in it, which leads me to think that you are cheating. Although, you say that you don't, but you also say that you're the type to cheat and lie about it.

I say you should stop. If my wife was hanging out with an ex-boyfriend I would punch him in the kisser. Then I would make her sleep on the couch for a change.

Hopefully all of this advice helps you kids, and if it doesn't Katy should be back next week. Thank you for reading this article.


  1. mikey, i appreciate the effort, but all i can say is... thank fake god katy is going to be back next week.

  2. LOL. The one thing you can say for Mikey is he never pretends to have all the answers. He just calls it like he sees it and express self-doubt. I can relate to that. I like him better as an advice columnist than as someone who makes remarks like "For my money, it doesn't get much better on a summer's day than listening to Sting."

  3. Mikey's just out of his element here trying to write like someone he's not. If he were to bring his musings on life to the advice column, I would write him every week with questions about the best way to get the kids off to bed, how to clean the gutters, and to decide which is better, Branson or the Dells.

  4. I think we owe it to our readers to have Kate re-answer these next week. I don't want to sit idly by while racist weed is being smoked or that guy gets fatter.

  5. Mikey, I'm not going to take any advice that you give.

  6. I've never felt more loved by other's hate. Thank you guys, and I WILL be back next week (pending the lack of a follow-up operation.)