One Week in Entertainment {5-13-09}

By Kaleena

I sit here eating my breakfast and I feel guilty. I have not forsaken you - I merely had a life on the side for a minute. Now I'm back, and I hope you'll take me. Please, give me another chance. Let me prove that I can bring gossip that rivals that of US Weekly and the Enquirer.

  • Well it seems the hopeless romantic known as Usher is filing for divorce from his wife Tameka. Why do these guys get married? Don't they realize they're not monogamous the minute they ask the girl to marry them? Ah well - I think she should sleep with R.Kelly.

  • Some crazy lady in LA has actually written a play based on the octomom. If you can't beat them - because beating a single mother of 14, no matter how much she's asking for it, would definitely make you look like an asshole - I guess you just write a ridiculous play about them. Good luck with that.

  • Mel Gibson and his ridiculously hot girlfriend (she's almost 40, btw) are expecting. Was she pregnant during divorce proceedings? Yes. Does anyone care? No. He hates Jewish people, nothing will ever cover that up. Congratulations none the less!

  • Daniel Hauser - the runaway cancer kid - has returned home with his mother to start real treatment and he's no longer in the custody of his parents. Finally something that makes sense in this crazy world.

  • Evangeline Lilly says she envies Angelina Jolie's icy attitude towards the snoopy lenses and nosy reporters. Let's get one thing straight - everyone envies Angelina Jolie. For good reason. Even you, reader - though you may not have realized it yet. I just wanted to help you along with that.

  • Meg White married Jackson Smith this week. Congratulations.
    Yes, that's all I have to say about that.

  • Mike Tyson's 4-year-old daughter died after she accidentally hung herself in their home in Phoenix. So many condolences - this stuff breaks my heart every time.

    Now let's jump ahead two weeks, shall we?

  • Adam Lambert,from American Idol,has come out that he is in fact gay. WHAT!? Everytime I get a crush my poor heart...

  • Ever wonder how Mark Paul Gosselaar was born brunette but magically became blond in his teens? Me neither. However, if you said yes, check it out.

  • He-she Thomas Beatie and wife welcomed a baby boy earlier in the week. What the hell is wrong with this world? I'm not intolerant, I just will never see sex-change operations as being "normal". Ever....ever ever.

  • Mike Tyson married for the third time. Only three times, huh? Wow, I am truly impressed.

  • Madonna's finally going to be able to bring little Mercy home from Malawi. Next stop - India for conjoined twins!

  • Sarah Palin was pretty pissed at the hilarious jokes David Letterman made about her loose daughter. Well maybe you shouldn't have let that little hussy go and get herself knocked up. Don't you know how much control parents have over their kids these days? (This is sarcasm. You can only pray your child stays "off the pole", so to speak, after a certain point.)

  • Brandy's mom tried to sue Kim Kardashian for supposedly running up a $120,636 credit on the card she left in Kim's possession when she was the woman's stylist. First of all, you idiot, who leaves someone who literally wipes their ass with money a seemingly endless supply of it? Second - she doesn't need your daughter's money.

  • Brad and Angelina: What's real? Nothing. Nothing about them is real. They were created to make sure everyone realizes how little they matter in this world when you have people like them running around.
    Wow - sorry about that. I'm not bitter. Just homely.

  • After six months of excruciating torture and a near loss of all senses, Dough Reinhardt finally got a clean break from Paris Hilton. I'll let you decide who got the raw end of the deal - besides the dating train, of course.

  • Hugh Hefner was really happy to hear about ex-girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson's pregnancy. Especially when he found out it was definitely not his.

  • Ryan Reynolds says Sandra Bullock looks terrific naked. So that explains the recent high-speed chase between Jesse James and the po-po. I'd just like to see the fight, really.

  • Carrie Prejean is baffled that she's been fired from being Miss America. Who knew homophobia, topless photos and just being an all around heinous bitch would do it?

  • Brad Pitt bought a painting by German artist Neo Rauch for $1 million. Well, it was really only $96,000 but who's counting besides Neo Rauch?

  • We all know it by now, but David Carradine's is still a mystery with a likely autoerotic end. Why do all my heroes have to die this way? I need new heroes.

  • Chastity Bono is undergoing a sex change operation. Ugh.....oh well, just get well soon.

  • Kristen Stewart is set to play Joan Jett in a biography called The Runaways set to come out in 2010. She looks like she's one step away from a short stint with heroin addiction. Literally - she'll try it once and then write a book about her near downfall. It'll be annoying but it's just a matter of time to see which way this story will turn.

  • Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz posed for a campaign to pass NOH8 in California that would legalize gay marriage. These two are kind of adorable, I have to say. Uh oh....I think I'm starting to like them. Oh geez...

    So wraps up my make-up article. I hope we can start fresh and forget our ugly past - I know I already have. Miss you already.


    1. mike tyson's kid dies and two weeks later he is getting married? sad!

      the recent developments with runaway cancer kid and the de-crowning of prejean both give me hope. now that the celebrity world is back on track i feel like i can start picking up the pieces of my own life.

    2. Also, 2 sex change stories? Are you trying to tell me something?

    3. Welcome back. If you hadn't posted that tidbit of Ashlee Simpson I would have continued to have 0 ounces (or grams for our international audience) of respect for her. Now I have 4, which is a quarter of a pound. I'm not sure how much it is in metric. Hopefully you can address this in your next One Week in Measurement Systems column.

    4. kaleena, these are so gr8 every week.

    5. one week in measurement systems column eh? this sounds like a challenge.