A Patriot's Guide to Vegetables

By Bub

Avocado: Now, I know you’re thinking ‘what in tarnation is a tree fruit with an illegal immigrant name doing on a list of patriotic vegetables?’ The answer is this – these puppies got enough potassium in a bushel-full to assassinate ten abortionists. It’s not as messy as shootin’ ‘em, you don’t have to do it at church (though you certainly could), and we could blame it all on the Mexicans. Yessir, Avocados serve our country proud.

Corn: As the saying goes, ‘corn didn’t land on Plymouth Rock’. And I’ll give you that. I know it’s politically correct to point out that Indians eat corn. So I will. That doesn’t make any of them patriotic. Matter of fact I got my suspicions that all the genetic engineering and cloning they do with corn may have something to do with the stem cell research John Kerry wanted to do to help out Osama. But I can’t ignore the fact that eatin’ an ear of corn while watching my favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is one of the simple joys of life. When that guy with the droopy face talks in that Frankenstein voice all I can think of is how glad I am that life begins at conception, and how delicious this corn tastes. I don’t care what Big Oil says, corn’s patriotic.

Eggplant: I should start by saying that aubergines are as anti-American as Jim Carey on a date with Mike Myers at a falafel hut, and they will not be tolerated. But eggplants are alright. I can slice ‘em into pieces and fry them, beer-battered, and munch on them during Everybody Loves Raymond. Also, I can’t help but feel that if eggplants had to use a disposable razor, they’d pick Gillette, because it’s the ‘best a man can get’ and eggplants always remind me of a testicle inflicted with elephantitis. Schick is for Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Patriots use Gillette, and that’s why eggplant is a patriot.

Soy Beans: Not patriotic. The Jerrys eat ‘em like popcorn. They got it from the Russians who got it from the North Koreans. No sir, I do NOT want my house bought and paid for by Kim Jung Il and I will not partake in the intake of soy beans. Plus that episode where Ray’s mother decides she aint gonna eat any fat no more and at Thanksgiving she has the gall to cook a tofu turkey?! That nearly ruined my marriage. That’s right soy beans are the food of communists, abortionists and married gays.

Peas: Peas are like tiny little bald heads freshly shaven by a Gillette disposable razor. Peas are in pods the way Ray is intertwined with his parents, his brother and his wife. Peas never ‘choose’ to end a life. And peas love to play scratch lottery tickets. Peas are as patriotic as that Chappaquiddick girl who gave her life so that Ted Kennedy would never become president.

Potatoes: Many are suspicious of spudding dirt-lingerers. But I know a handful of Armenians and they’re not as bad as you’d think. They’re alright. And potatoes are just fine too. You can peel their skin with a Gillette disposable razor. You can put four toothpicks in them and recreate your favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Or you could even scratch off your instant lottery ticket with a chipped potato of the Ruffles kind. Potatoes are as patriotic as the cleanly shaven Jesus in the custom-made portrait I have of Jesus to combat the liberal revisionist history version of a Jesus with unwieldy facial hair obviously caused by using a Schick disposable razor.

Rutabaga: I never saw Ray’s Dad make a morose statement about Rutabagas. I never saw them at a disposable Gillette shaver convention lunch buffet. I never heard of an instant scratch lottery winner spending their money on them. And I for damn sure never heard of anyone putting make-up on them and kissing them before I go to bed. Unpatriotic.

Squash: This is technically a fruit, but so is everything Nancy Pelosi ever said, so, we’ll count it. Squashes are a very lucky fruit. It was because of them that I won that $500 that one time on scratch tickets. They doll up real nice too. If you got your own lipstick and a wig it gets pretty close to the real thing. Squash don’t make no judgments. That’s patriotic in my book.

Turnips: Turnips don’t look past you to the computer when they get home from work. Turnips always encourage you even when they’re discouraging you. Turnips don’t hide things about your finances from you or tell you the same thing over and over even after you told them you’d take care of it. Turnips like it when you try to engage them about things they’re interested in. Turnips love Raymond, lottery tickets, Gillette disposable razors and political assassination. Turnips will put on that wig for you and insert that vegetable you like. Turnips are as patriotic as Michael Jordan brushing his teeth with an Oral-B toothbrush (Gillette subsidiary sister of Proctor and Gamble).

Zucchini: Full disclosure, my father was killed by a Zucchini. Luckily for zucchini he was an abortionist. If it were zucchini’s gay cousin cucumber that killed my dad, I’d hold a grudge, but the fact is, zucchini has helped me through many lonely nights. It is a gorgeous vegetable that will imitate any position we see on Everybody Loves Raymond and scratch off a lottery ticket as we both climax. If that isn’t patriotic, I don’t know what patriotism means.


  1. You forgot one: beets. The first time I ever had beets was on April 19, 1993. That was the last day of the FBI siege in Waco Texas. On that day Janet Reno was revealed as America's Ratko Mladić and Waco went down in history as our Srebenica. Beets, for those who don't know, are delicious and have to them a certain sweetness lacking in most vegetables. This is not unlike the sweet taste of religious freedom the Branch Dividians tried so desperately to have in the peace and quiet of rural Texas. I guess my messagea here is that you should try beets soon, because you never know when the government will set fire to your compound and murder children as they try to escape the fiery flames, as red as the reddest beet and the reddest blood of the patriotic Americans who died so you have the freedom to eat vegetables and start your own messianic cult.

  2. This is hilarious. I've been waiting for this one for a long time and it was worth the wait!

  3. I didn't forget beets Glenn, it's just I know the US Government and I know that whether I say they are patriotic or not, 79 people will be set ablaze. And I'm too old for that to happen.

  4. You won me on the title but this made me laugh harder than the time I found out a bunch of orphans died in a horrible fire.

  5. this article has some mad spam on it


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