Good Morning from North Dakota Part -30

By Glenn 

It's been a while since I last wrote a good morning post, even longer since I wrote anything for this website and the longest since I wrote an award winning short story in high school about what the year 2000 would be like. I didn't forecast eight years of George Bush then and I don't plan to forecast the weather here in North Dakota for the next few days. Let me just put it this way: it's going to be cold. Then let me put it this way: it's going to be colder than the reception I got in 2000 after making an ill-conceived reference to someone in a wheel chair. Hopefully, to you, reading this good morning post will be like settling into a wheelchair you used until you were cured by a televangelist at age 35, but settle back into at age 45 after your birth father pushed you out of a fifth story window. That's a reference to Lost, but it might as well be a reference to my own future.

[It's hard not for me to make more Lost references when I write because I watch one episode every day and the last season is on the horizon. But if Katy can go this long without making references to Buffy the Vampire Slayer then I should be able to match her restraint.]

Today's Weather

I know you were expecting me to go the easy route and talk about how cold it was. Sure I could show you the forecast for -30 below or whatever cold shit I'm dealing with today, but that's too easy. Instead, look at this translucent neon blue blob. What does it mean to you? It says just as much about precipitation in our area as it does about your relationship with your parents. Or maybe it's just supposed to be a bloated version of Italy as seen on a map. Either way, we're right on the edge of that blob and I'll spend the entire day trying to see what it's like outside of it.

Today's White Stripes Song

Although Fell In Love With A Girl was the "breakout" song for the Stripes (as I call them, just like we call the Rolling Stones "the Stones"), Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground is the song that really made me fall in love with them. The song had everything: cool images, despondent lyrics and a crunching guitar riff that matches Jack White walking up the stairs. If you haven't seen the video it's worth watching. It was directed by Michel fucking Gondry! That guy could direct Bub's funeral and I'd be excited for it.

Today's Gym

Recently my roommate/coworker Taylor and decided to finally pull the trigger on a joint gym membership. He felt like he was getting out of shape and I just had my foot amputated from Type II diabetes. Now he's in shape and my foot has grown back through a rigorous program of calisthenics and prayer. The nice thing about Snap Fitness, besides the fact they don't offer memberships to Asian Americans, is that they have locations everywhere. They're also open 24 hours. Who among us hasn't been lying in bed late at night and wishing they could be on a treadmill instead? My workout regiment consists of 15 minutes of running on said treadmill at various speeds, followed by a variety of activities to build muscle on my arms legs and stomach. At Snap Fitness you can literally do any exercise you want. It's not like at Anytime Fitness where you're only allowed to do exercises approved by their headquarters in Bahrain.

Today's Prediction
Without skipping a beat I bring back today's prediction. That massive blue blob over the Red River Valley is going to become a "no service" area for Snap Fitness, forcing all the stores to close and my foot to get accordingly re-amputated. After it gets amputated I'll try to recreate Jack White walking up the stairs as pictured in today's video, but I won't be able to capture his rhythm. Instead I'll just settle back into my wheelchair like John Locke in Season 5 of Lost. Have a great day.


  1. Look at all those towns in North Dakota. I didn't know there were people there let alone TOWNS.

    Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground was also the song that made me realize the White Stripes were great. In fact I was with you and Andy and I believe my brother Tyler the first time I heard it!

    The line about Anytime Fitness is maybe the funniest line from a Good Morning post yet.

    Anyway, thank Glenn! My morning is now indeed good.

  2. I didn't understand this post because I've never seen Lost.

  3. I understood it and I've never seen Lost OR North Dakota!

  4. omg. your wheelchair story. please make as many lost references as possible. good morning posts are our island, and we're going back [to them.] bub --do you think you could get mr gondry to direct your FUNeral!?

  5. If I hear one more Lost reference I'm going to scream. I think Mikey would agree with me on this one.

  6. Okay okay. I'll cram all of my Lost references into one article titled: "Lost in North Dakota: How the Television Series Lost Helped Me Through -50 Degree Weather."

  7. The only thing that is lost is me when I hear a reference to the TV show Lost.

  8. I live in Iowa, but, after reading this post, I feel as though I know what it is like to live in North Dakota. So, I'm going to start listing it as a place where I've lived.

  9. Lost reaches a larger audience. I'd make more Joss references if anyone on this site would appreciate it. Alas, that isn't the case.