Movie Reviews Of Movies I Haven't Seen Yet

By Bub 
It's Complicated - A melodrama about the world's hardest math problem. A team of fifty mathematicians attempt to solve it by locking themselves into a warehouse, bringing only one year's supply of foodstuffs and three year's supply of condoms. When the warehouse doors are opened a year later only three babies and a giant mound of bones are found, which astonishingly is the answer to the equation.

2012 - The third installment of Stanley Kubrick's 20XX series and a movie prequel to Arthur C. Clarke's novel 2061: Odyssey Three (the word 'three' adopts the meaning of the word 'four' somewhere around the year 2050). Kubrick envisions a near future where people play popular video games like Pong through their sunglasses. They eat food in paste form, the most delicious and futuristic of all food forms. HAL 9000 has quit his day job as a smug ever-present computer console and followed his dreams to Broadway. The decadent lifestyle of the big stage leads HAL to ruin after he takes up drinking anti-freeze and incestuously gay-marries his twin SAL 9000. The rest of the film descends into a right wing diatribe about bringing back the gold standard.

Twilight Saga: New Moon - The latest Eddie Murphy vehicle where he plays flatulent characters in fat suits. It's getting a little tired Mr. Murphy, I much prefer your earlier work - like Bowfinger.

Brothers - A shocking expose revealing George Bush's secret half-brother, an African American street musician. The brother, now deceased, used to play a form of jazz he invented by using an instrument similar to a trombone that he fashioned out of paint buckets and a plunger. He was a founding member of both the Weather Report and the John Birch Society. He was killed after his brother, then-President Bush, had New Orleans flooded to prevent him from coming forward and revealing his identity.

The Blind Side - Docudrama about the real-life villain that inspired the Batman character Two-Face. He grew up in a golden-spoon-fed ivory-tower, seeing things with all two eyes everywhere he went. 'Beautiful sunset' he was often heard to remark, arrogantly flaunting his stature as a fully functioning bi-clops. Then one day tragedy struck when a young homeless black football star tackled Two-Face (born Morty Shiverwitcz) breaking his left wrist. Film actress Sandra Bullock happened upon the incident and fearing being named as an accomplice, decided to destroy the evidence of the crime by burning the rest of that side of Shiverwitcz's body, blinding him in one eye, and less distressingly, disfiguring that side of his body beyond human recognition. From that day on when Shiverwitcz would visit the beach in the soft early evenings he would only remark, 'sunset'. He vowed to get his revenge by turning to a life of crime and destroying Batman. He retired in 2006 and currently runs his own Taco Truck in Echo Park, Los Angeles.


  1. If this was TBS I would be recording it.

  2. TBS is Very Funny. This is brilliant!

  3. I'm Fandangoing my tickets for The Blind Side as we speak, your review was THAT convincing.

  4. this is almost as good as your review of hotel for dogs.

  5. Frighteningly funny. I'm glad you're not using your powers for evil.

  6. Those all sound better than Avatar, which is about a time-traveler from the 19th century who jumps to the future and meets the love of his life on AIM. It turns out to be a sting operation run by Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen.