Gallagher Smashes America

By Jake 

Today I received an e-mail that stopped me dead in my tracks. It was an interview with prop comic Gallagher done by The Onion AV Club. "Great," I thought to myself, "I could use a gut-busting laugh." So with great anticipation I opened the link and began to read. I had to keep checking the title to make sure I was reading an interview with Gallagher and not with Osama bin Laden.

Gallagher smashes America as if it were "those damn video games the kids love so much," calling it a nation of mediocrity. I guess the joke being that Gallagher is the most mediocre comic and yet he's not popular. Either that or he just hates America. Well, listen up Gallagher, if you were in China or Belgium I seriously doubt you'd get away with smashing Atari games and cases of Crystal Pepsi. You enjoy your freedom by wasting food while others enjoy it by promoting Katie Couric to news anchor. Katie Couric never smashed an orphan's meal. She just reads the news and loves America.

Bashing Katie Couric is one thing, but he should have stayed away from NBA brand basketball. Gallagher wants you to live in a world where you can't wave balloons around in the air at a b-ball game. I'm sorry, Gallagher, but I have the right to wave a balloon to distract a millionaire ballplayer just as you have the right to pull a giant condom out of a giant couch. You keep your absurdly sized couch and I'll keep my balloons.

Then he has the gall to bash Detroit, one of America's greatest cities? I could see you taking the piss out of Baltimore, but Detroit? GIve me a break. Detroit has had hard times and the last thing they need is a watermelon smashing buffoon reading them the riot act. When he goes on his next tour, maybe he can give Detroit a break and just skip over them.

The people who Gallagher hits the hardest are his opening acts. He says (about a New York show):

That audience was there to see me, and those kids were ruining my audience. They were going to use all the words, they were going to introduce all the hot topics, so that by the time I got on as act No. 4, they were going to be overstimulated and bored and tired.

Gallagher is so worried about people using all of the words. I think this is a pretty outrageous claim. There are enough words to go around. Nearly every comic has openers-- and they are usually horrible-- but it just makes the main performer look better and more professional (unless you interrupt them). Getting on stage and yelling at your openers would be a really good Andy Kaufman bit (and it is probably Gallagher's best bit), but I'd think the last person you'd want telling you how to present a joke or a live show would be a washed up prop comic.

Gallagher is the comedian version of the old man yelling at you to get off the lawn. He is so bitter. In the entire interview the only person he has anything good to say about is himself. If Gallagher wanted to be famous, then he should try performing for children. I enjoyed Gallagher's comedy when I was a kid because he smashed things with a sledgehammer and it was a much simpler time. When I was old enough to understand his other jokes (which are mostly homophobic, racist and sexist) I moved on to better comedians like Emo Philips and Judy Tenuta.


  1. haha, this is gr8! you're so patriotic. emailing you this interview was the best decision i've ever made.

  2. Here here!!! I read that interview too. Which Gallagher was it?!

  3. You think it was Gallagher II?

    Maddie, you sent me the article and then you also told me to write the article. It's all because of you!

  4. so really this article was by maddie through the mouth of jake. double trouble - and gallagher makes three.

  5. That is too much counting for me.

  6. LOL at moving on to Judy Tenuta.