Return of Hi Katy [Vol. II Issue I]

Aren't you just so excited?! In the past few weeks several comments have been made by OYIT staff writers claiming Hi Katy was making a comeback and I'm right here! And you're here, too! That is the perfect recipe for awesomeness. You may be surprised to see this article up on a Sunday, or surprised to see any Sunday articles at all, but that's exactly why I moved myself here. Sunday is the best day of the week to sit around the house (or apartment) and do absolutely nothing but browse the Internet, and now, I'm here for your browsing pleasure. Let's try to get back into this!

Hi Katy,
I recently celebrated the New Year's by getting drunk. Don't get me wrong - I don't need to drink to have fun - it just helps me loosen up a bit around strangers. Now I'm dealing with the aftermath of drinking. I have a hangover! What do you think I should do? I heard that more alcohol is the only way to cure a hangover, but that seems gross. Please help me before I puke at church.
- Hungover Habib

Hi Hungover,

Unless you've been celebrating New Years this entire time, I can only assume this answer comes late. Then again, it is Sunday, and you might be ready to puke at church again. All I can say is: I've been there. The year was 2002 and I had opted out of the Homecoming dance in order to drink an obscene amount of alcohol with the only other decent friend I had who also decided not to go to the dance. We made a key mistake that evening when, in our intoxicated state, we thought purchasing the album "Pop Goes Punk" was an excellent idea. I hope this didn't happen to you. We then proceeded to break a great deal of laws that I am not at liberty to discuss (everything was caught on tape and will be available for purchase once our ads make enough money to elicit the need for OYIT merchandise, please stand by).

At long last, we ended up at a post-Homecoming party that marked my very first night throwing up from the effect of alcohol. What's most important about this night is that I made it in to Sunday School the next morning on 40 minutes of sleep and had to sit through a lecture on why Catholicism should be considered a cult, all while trying to keep Bacardi from shooting upwards through my esophagus and all over the nicely dressed high schoolers seated in front of me. I guess what I'm getting at is don't go to church.

Hi Katy,
Can Buffy the Vampire Slayer beat the Firefly from Firefly?
-Firefly from Firefly

Hi Firefly,

This question offends me, and also confuses me. As we ALL know, Firefly is merely the model of ship the crew of Serenity fly around in. Thus, I offer two scenarios:

Scenario 1; Who would win in a fight?: No contest. A firefly may be a transport vessel with no guns actually on board and ready for warfare, but Serenity is all-in-all metal and brute strength. Should Mal be captaining the ship and instructing Wash to fly into Buffy, I don't see it working out any better than a pedestrian's feeble attempts to flea from a 'ghost' in Halo. However, if the crew abandoned Firefly (which is extremely unlikely) Buffy would be free to use her super-human strength to tear Serenity to pieces, but she'd only be inclined to do so should the ship be possessed by some ancient Sumerian warrior, in which case the ancient Sumerian warrior would have control of the ship and pulverize Buffy to bloody bits. Firefly: 1 Buffy: 0.

Scenario 2; Who can fly faster?: I'm gonna have to give this one to Serenity as well. For a tiny transport ship, she's got a lot of speed on her and also, Buffy can't fly. Firefly: 2 Buffy: Dead. Again. Again. Annnnnnnd, again.

I hope that helps.

Hi Katy,
Why do doors have handles? Why don't they just open when you ask them to?
-Door Jamb Justin

Hi Justin,

My first day back and already I'm answering this garbage. It seems a little ridiculous to take up my time and that of my hungover readers to explain something everyone already knows. Robots, Justin. We don't want doors opening by themselves because of robots.

The day doors acquire the technology to open based on our emotional expectation, that day marks the beginning of the end for human existence. We already know we have the technology, and we know the government and Free Masons hide this technology from the everyday citizen like me and you to protect us from starting this whole catastrophe. They only want to save us. If doors can sense our needs, what's to stop man from replicating this program in a thousand other electronics or devices? Do you want your toothbrush aware of the dreams from which you've just awoken? Want that microwave judging you, reading you like a book as you contemplate the pros and cons of just one more Lean Pocket? How about your car? What about the day you get into your car and it telepathically overhears you considering a new make? A new model? It'll steer you right into a brick house, THAT'S WHAT!

Get your head on straight, Justin, and try to think about these things a little more thoroughly before I get an e-mail from your computer explaining you've considered building empathetic hot plates.

Hi Katy,
I have been reading your article for a long time. I can't get over how crazy some of the questions you get are. I have a pretty regular question for you, nothing too crazy. What is your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid? I bet it's pink lemonade. I bet my friend on this actually. A lot of money.
-Betting Beatrice

Hi Beatrice,

This is an open announcement, not just for you, Beatrice, but for all my readers. Stop making bets about me. I know it's all good and fun, but what you don't seem to realize is that I'm so unique and so special and so original that I rarely like any of the stuff you're betting on in the first place.

This means you lose, but more importantly I lose, because I can't sit by and make common adviser/advisee jokes like "now you better split some of those winnings with me LOL haha (chuckle) LuLz," because you'll never freaking win. I will always blow your mind, and I will always throw you for a loop. There is no predicting this gal! Take your fat girl name and fat-causing drinks and please leave my blog.

I'm just kidding Beatrice. I thought we could all go for some good ole fashion fatty humor, what with this being my first day back and all. I guess it wasn't really what you wanted and probably not what the readers expected, but that's the kind of thing original people have to do to stay ever changing. Truth is, I really don't drink Kool-Aid, at all, but I really liked pink lemonade when I was a kid. I'll be e-mailing you a PO Box address where you can send me half of those winnings! Haha, okay? Okay, good to be back.


Psh. Wow, I DO write a lot, huh? I guess I just have so many important things to say and too many lengthy ways to say it. I'm a little rusty on giving advice, but with your help and tons of new questions, I'll be back up to speed in no time. Send me an e-mail or join our new FORUM where you can also posts questions. Have a safe and sickly Sunday day, everyone. See you next week.


  1. Katy, this article is the perfect length for me now. Thanks!

    The Firefly/Buffy question is the worst question I've ever seen on a Hi Katy yet. I have never watched Firefly, but Dollhouse is one of the most boring shows I have ever seen. I like Buffy; it's like Goosebumps with a hot kung fu Jewess kicking the shit out of everybody.

  2. Agree with Jake about the length. I'm glad you included "Justin's" question though in order to tell him off. How dumb!

  3. i am SO HAPPY hi katy is back! this is wonderful. justin may be stupider than mikey.

  4. Hahah! The Firefly is the only Hi Katy question I've ever gotten posted!!

  5. The Firefly question made me sad that I write this article. I was not pleased.

  6. Door Jamb Justin is so funny, I hope he has more door related questions.


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