Waaaaaaaaake UP, OYIT [January 15, 2010]

By Katy

Good morning, good morning. I'm Katy and unfortunately Becky and Danny couldn't be here with me to bring you this very special edition of GM because they're fictional characters and unable to relate to myself and you, the reader, as actual people, but that's not going to stop us from starting the day off right!

Today's Video:

Uncle Jesse Locked Me Out! -- I tried to post this video at least 34 times and blogspot kept giving me an error, but instead of giving up on the joke, I'm just making you work harder for it. I hope you've had your morning coffee!

This video is a proper documentation of how I started MY morning and how my day has thus progressed so far. Michelle is the metaphorical "me" in this video. She's wearing pajamas and I'M wearing pajamas, because it's comfy day. That means I strolled into work at 11:50PM Thursday night in the same pants I spent all day lying in bed and coughing into (I sleep in several compromising positions). Michelle's attempts to relate to and enjoy the company of Jesse and Becky are similar to my attempts to get my co-wokers to stop throwing glances of all consuming hate towards one another, and like Jesse did to Michelle, they locked me out of their lives with the single click of a deadbolt. Glenn is obviously my Joey in this instance--the man I run to when people don't realize how awesome I am, but instead of fixing my problems for me he just tells me I'm pretty lame.

Today's Theatrical Releases:

  • The Book of Eli (Rated: R for repetitive, tedious, and redundant)

  • Denzel Washington stars as Connor MacLeod. It's 2024 and the ozone has gone to crap. MacLeod was supervising the construction of The Shield, meant to protect the now dying Earth, but that backfired something crazy. General Katana makes his way to the future to slaughter Connor because he failed miserably in the prequel. Connor does a seance wherein he calls upon Ramirez, an old teacher, to aide him in restoring equilibrium to the universe/kill Katana and also somehow the ozone heals itself. I'm sorry, that was Highlander II: The Quickening, but that was actually more interesting that the synopsis of The Book of Eli.

  • The Spy Next Door (Rated: PG for sub-par comedy and Billy Ray Cyrus not being funny)

  • From the title I was hoping The Spy Next Door was a remake of The Whole Nine Yards with Jackie Chan playing Bruce Willis' character while Billy Ray Cyrus adequately portrayed Matthew Perry as the stammering yet adorable lead, only less adorable. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a kids flick, where Jackie Chan plays a spy (I know, right?) who has fallen in love with his next door neighbor. He plans on getting out of the biz, but before she'll marry him, she wants him to get to know her three lovely children. Why this hasn't already happened in the course of dating and being neighbors will hopefully be explained. So, she has him watch them an entire weekend when she's out of town and one of the kids manages to download some secret file from Jackie Chan's computer, starting a feud with Jackie Chan's nemesis, the Russian terrorist. No matter how many synopsis pages I read I can't seem to find who the Russian terrorist is, so we can only hope it's Billy Ray Cyrus. Thus, this movie just serves to further perpetuate the fallacy that little girls want to grow up, have three children, get divorced, marry the Asian next door, and have Billy Ray Cyrus pretend to be Russian. Two thumbs down.

    Today's Crab Joke:

    A lobster and a crab want to get married. The lobster's father says no, because crabs cannot walk straight. They get married anyway despite the injustice and radical discrimination implied by the lobster's father and Uncle Jesse attends the ceremony.

    Today's Fun Fact:

    Did you know that Facebook has an option for "English (Upside Down)?" More like "English (Waste of Java Programming Skills)" Am I right?


    1. HAHA. at the last thing you said. i loled. i think glenn is joey to all of us.

    2. I see Glenn more as Moby, but I'm thinking of when he pretended to have cancer and shaved his eyebrows off.

      Also, those movies sound horrible.

    3. Wanna go see Spy Next Door with me?


    5. that fun fact was fun! Tmorrow's crab joke: Q. What do they call a crab's entrails? A. Mustard!! Maybe that should be the fun fact and not the joke...

    6. Mikey gave me that fun fact to post.