Fast Food

By Mikey 

As frequent readers of my One Year in Texas article Life With Mikey will tell you, I eat a lot of fast food. It's my greatest weakness. It's my Kryptonite. I don't really think of myself as Superman, but I hope some people do. Maybe my son does, but he usually rolls his eyes when I tell him one of my lines from my article. Yet, I can hit a baseball way further than him at the batting cage. Kind of shows you what kids know.

I want to take a deeper look at fast food in this article. I was originally going to title this article "Fast Food Nation" but I searched it on Yahoo and saw that some guy wrote a book with that title. I'm going to go deeper into the delicious world of fast food than I can in my other article. We're going to even talk about Hardee's and White Castle. That's how deep I'm going. For this article I'm going to stay away from pizza places, I think that could be an article in itself, and one that I'm dying to do the field research on, if you know what I mean.

This is by far the best fast food establishment I have ever dined in. The building was beautiful and when I sat down in my booth I felt like I was sitting in my favorite chair at home in front of the TV for a McGuyver marathon. When the steam from my food hit my nose I drooled on my shirt a little. I tried to dab it out of my shirt with a napkin, but I just spread it around. I guess my only negative review of Arby's is that their napkins are not that great. They're not bad, but they're far from perfect (unlike their classic roast beef sandwich).

Mickey Dee's, as the kids call it, is the most famous restaurant in America and probably the world. Going there is like returning home from college for the first time. You feel comfortable but you can't wait to leave. I enjoy a Big Mac from time-to-time, but the Breakfast is where it's at. A Sausage McMuffin is one of the greatest food items on God's Earth. I feel like I understand the universe when I bite into one.

Burger King
BK has a pretty weak breakfast menu, but they make a killer chicken sandwich. As you may recall, I slammed Arby's chicken sandwich when I reviewed their sandwiches. Well, it's he opposite at BK. I don't like their burger that much. The Big Mac is basically the only burger I'm going to pay someone else to make for me. A burger is one of the few things I can make. Burger King relies too heavily on the burger, and why shouldn't they? It is in their name. Maybe they should change their name to Chicken King and have more great chicken sandwiches on their menu.

Their burgers used to have names like "monster" and "star" but now they're called "Angus." Angus is a better name for a rock and roller than it is for a burger. They do taste good though and Hardee's has curly fries. You can't go wrong with curly fries. Now that's a slogan I'd wear on a t-shirt!

Long John Silver's
Now this is a weird one. They mostly have fish and chicken. Their fish is good and their chicken is not bad, but what I like is their hush puppies. These are basically deep fried bread. If you think deep fried bread sounds bad then you shouldn't even be reading this. I would get a bucket of those if I could.

I don't have anything against A&W. Lord knows that I love a good rootbeer. The standout at A&W is the Papa Burger. I guess it's just a burger with a lot of regular things on it like lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, onions, pickles and cheese, but it has a funny name. I think anybody who orders a Moon's Over My-Hammy from Denny's would enjoy a hunger quenching Papa Burger and some onion rings. Make sure to wash it down with a rootbeer!

White Castle
White Castle is the original fast food restaurant, but it's also the worst. Their burgers are so small. It makes me feel like giant, but after I eat it I feel sick. You don't need to know what comes after that. Call me when you get bigger burgers.

Wendy is an iconic character on the same level as the Burger King King or Ronald McDonald (or at least Grimmace). They get points for thinking outside the box. They have square hamburgers! So does White Castle, but theirs are small and greasy and Wendy's are big enough for a meal. Their fries are okay, but the frosty is one of the greatest frozen drinks I've had. It's like a milk shake and ice cream had a baby. I don't like ice cream, but I like its baby.

My favorite is Arby's. I think that goes without saying. My least favorite is White Castle, although I respect that they were first. When I order a burger I want to be full, not sick. Hopefully this helped you choose where you'll be spending your lunch hours.


  1. The only fast food I ate in 2009 was Burger King after a wedding that didn't serve enough food and Long John Silver's once. Fast food is gross.

  2. "Long John Silver's
    Now this is a weird one."

    LOL. mikey, there are no words for this post.

  3. God, Allahuakbar, this was great. Thanks Mikey! I can't wait to hear your banal take on different Dollar Stores!!!