Good (dead) Morning (dead) OYIT

By Katy

Good morning, everyone! And isn't it just the finest of mornings? For years we've been struggling to regain the unity this country had after a group of terrorists made us wet our panties, and now we've finally done it! The entire continental U.S. will be buried in at least three feet of snow come nightfall. That means every Facebook status update, every Twitter post, every Google Buzz Facebook/Twitter post update will be buzzing with the news of cold and wet conditions. It's this sort of camaraderie that caused Sarah Palin to smile and announce "I am so proud to be American. Thank you. Gosh. Thank you. Happy birthday, Ronald Reagan."

Happy birthday to us all.

Today's Irritating Video Game

  • I Wanna Be The Guy

  • I Wanna Be the Guy is an 8-bit side-scrolling platform game available for one's PC as a download. I'm not going to link you because I don't want you to get ahead of yourself. You see, there's this Kid. He wants to be the Guy. But he has to kill the Guy to be the Guy. Basically, the game has a lot of call backs to classic video games (including Punch Out's Mike Tyson as your first boss, depending on which route you take). The game is riddled with difficult jumping, shooting, and navigating challenges. It's enough so that if I were playing the game during the course of typing this paragraph, I would have already died 47 times... and I type 110 WPM! But it's also super fun, and personally, I'm playing this game to win the respect of myself and male video gamers everywhere who declare "girls can't play video games." Suck it. After I beat my first boss, it's on.

    (For more information please enjoy this article. I certainly did.)

    Today's Theatrical Releases

  • Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Rated PG for images of children growing up in single parent households).

  • Synopsis: Percy Jackson is a high school student that just loves his Greek mythology. He loves his Greek mythology soooo much that when all these gods and titans and fairies come bouncing to life.. IRL... he goes on a quest to find Zeus' missing lightening bolts and HIS missing mother. He travels across the country with only his friends and his vast knowledge in ancient, worthless rituals.

    My Take: I love Greek mythology and I'm a very big fan of mythology-related movies.. but bringing it into the present day is not something I'm so fond of. I mean, yeah, it worked out GREAT for The Neverending Story III, but what wasn't amazing about that movie?

  • Valentine's Day (Rated PG-13 for Bradley Cooper's chest)

  • Synopsis: The IMDB synopsis for this movie just went on and on about how women feel unloved on Valentine's Day, so I guess that's what this movie is about. Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts, Jessica Biel, Anne Hathoway, and Jennifer Garner are the best examples of women who often feel unlove. Ashton Kutcher tries to mate with all of them.

    My Take: I'm glad that after He's Just Not That Into You Hollywood figured out that you could take 5-7 relatively famous and beloved actors and actresses, give them bit parts in a somewhat cohesive and overlapping story, and people will love it. Why? WE LOVE THEM. And getting a little bit of all of them in one movie is like eating Lucky Charms with only the Charms! Just brush your teeth after.

  • The Wolfman (Rated R for simulated violence and lycanthropes.)

    Synopsis: Lawrence Talbot returns home twice during this movie and I'm not entirely sure why. His brother goes missing and he wants to help find him, but coming back to his estate in Wales brings up a whole bag of bad stuff from when he was a kid and his mother died. I guess he leaves? And for some reason he tries to forget the bad stuff but then he comes back to look for his brother again? I dunno, I'm tired.

    My Take: I love Lon Chaney, so it's difficult for me to get behind this one. It does look like the story is set out a bit differently than the 1941 classic... Lawrence still returns to Scotland but under different pretenses (in the original, his brother is dead). This movie probably has a good shot if Bud Abbott and Lou Costello show up with Bela Lugosi, so I'm hoping for that twist.

    Today's Prediction:

    Schools all across America will close down due to insane snow fall. People in Texas will become confused. 43% of the population will stick their head in the snow, assuming their larger than life attitude will be able to save them from hypothermia. Only when that fails will they look to Sarah Palin to help them out of this mess. Sarah Palin will giggle, say something kitschy and look to the Kid to save us. After the Kid dies 34,544 times, he'll finally make his way across the spikes and out of the Moon's vision where he'll find Lawrence Talbot watching Valentine's Day and softly weeping at the realistic portrayal of life and love. The Kid will comfort Lawrence, return to Texas, and kill the Guy (and/or Sarah Palin) to become the king of the United States.

    Fuck you, my day sucked.

    1. All of those movies look awful.

    2. I can't wait to see Valentine's Day with you!

    3. as long as america is free, every day in reagan's birthday. i'm sorry your day sucked.

    4. I'm sorry my GM sucked.

      Glenn, we can go see Valentine's day before you leave forever. I will hold off on it just for you.