Who is Your Favorite President?

By Jake 

When I first opened One Year in Texas I was understandably shocked due to the lack of Good Morning article today. Then it hit me like a train hitting a mini-van trying to race across the tracks: it's Presidents Day!

I'm sure Presidents Day means a lot to the other authors of OYIT. Maddie is president of the R. Kelly Pissed on Me Facebook group, for instance. I'm sure Glenn and Nate are making collages of their liberal, presidential heroes. How am I going to celebrate Presidents Day? The same way I celebrated Valentine's Day-- by making a list of my favorite United States Presidents.


George Washington
A lot of grade school children will have you believing that first is the worst, but in this case that old adage is false. Washington was one of the best presidents, and the most successful person who had wooden teeth. He also chopped down a cherry tree, which doesn't seem like a big deal until you realized it was his family's only source of income. His punishment was to found a nation.


Abraham Lincoln
Lincoln is the only gay president the United States has had so far. Sure, he had a beard, both literally and figuratively, but most successful gays do (like Merv Griffin). Lincoln also "freed the slaves," which is pretty impressive considering how strong Jefferson Davis was.


FDR
Franklin Roosevelt served more terms in office than any other human being, even Garfield (the president and the cat...put together!).


JFK
Kennedy is the proof that if your father was a bootlegger then you can really do anything with your life. JFK is most famous for having his brains blown out in Dallas. Along with 1997 Montreal Screwjob, the JFK assassination remains one of the controversial events in American History and has spawned many conspiracy theories.


Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton was sort of like if Paris Hilton was the president. He was always up to trouble, but you couldn't resist his slick lawyer charm, just like you can't resist one of Hilton's rhythmic dance songs. Clinton is most famous for hooking up with Jewesses with junk in the trunk and doing things with cigars that would make Jim Belushi blush.


Obama
He is America's first African-American and most handsome president. Him being president really helps you single out the racists.

Who is your favorite President?
What are the rule for capitalizing the word "president" anyway?
Is Obama doing a good job as the president?
Who do you think is sexier: Obama or JFK?

8 comments:

  1. obama is sexier.
    only capitalize president if you agree with the actual president.
    obama is doing pretty damn well.
    the only good president is a dead president.

    i like it!

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  2. Only FDR gets to be capitalized.

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  3. i celebrate president's day by making a list of all the ways every president has let us down.

    i think lincoln was the sexiest president. i make my boyfriend wear a stovepipe hat to bed.

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  4. I love this! If you can tackle history/politics from now, I will tackle music videos and dilapidated Chicago suburbs.

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  5. omg this is so funny. i'd write a longer comment but i have to go post a link to this in the R. Kelly Pissed on Me facebook group.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lower case president unless it's before his (or her, HA!) name. Dropping the upper case started in the 1970s after Watergate and the prestige of being president started to wear off.

    My favorite president is a combination of all their middle names. Quincy Knox Hiram Ulysses Simpson Birchard Abram Alan Grover Woodrow Gamaliel Calvin Delano S. Fitzgerald Baines Milhous Rudolph Earl Wilson Hebert Walker Jefferson Walker Hussein.
    http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_middle_names_of_all_the_US_presidents

    Yes, and JFK.

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  7. Who is your favorite President?: James Polk

    What are the rule for capitalizing the word "president" anyway?: I think they're the same for capitalizing "mother" and "grandpa"

    Is Obama doing a good job as the president?: Of course, he's already trapped the entire GOP.

    Who do you think is sexier: Obama or JFK?: Obama. He's got a smile that let's you know there's somethin' special under that suit.

    ReplyDelete