Good Morning Vegas

By Glenn 

Good morning. Right now I'm writing you from the most decadent city in the world: Las Vegas, Nevada. Judging from the violent, threatening (yet strangely erotic) emails I've been getting over the past few weeks, many readers on this website are upset at the lack of articles with my name on top. I apologize. You see, I'm currently conducting a cross country road trip to raise awareness about HIV. Through Kansas, Colorado, Utah, Nevada and even Arizona (although just the tip there), I've been giving people HIV. Just like how a conservative father can only come to terms with homosexuality and its culture from having a gay son, people can only really be aware of HIV once they have it. Your city could be next!

Today's Weather

The weather report from Vegas is good. Although as I explained last night during the evening hours the sun goes down and it gets colder, during the day it's quite warm. Today's high will be 62 degrees - the same amount of money I lost after playing the penny slots last night. The millions and millions of kilowatts used to light up the city keep it somewhat warm at night, but not warm enough for the prostitutes on the strip to leave their coyote fur coats at home.

Today's Personal Sleeping Fact

I haven't slept in my "own" bed (which, to me, is a $150 air mattress from Target) in a few weeks. When I have my own room at the place I'm visiting, this isn't really an issue. I was forced growing up to sleep on a bed of nails, so the relative "comfort" of my mattress isn't important. What can affect me greatly is noise because I am disturbed very easily. The advantage to this is that in my old house I could always hear if AJ was disturbing my feather collection in the basement. The disadvantage is that when I'm sleeping on a couch even a door opening and closing will jolt me out of sleep, keep me awake for days - during which time I'll usually clean the floors and ceilings of every room in the house and organize all the silverware in the house by the most negative to most positive auras.

Today's Time Zone
So now I'm in the Pacific Time Zone.

There are definitely some great things about being here, such as when I wake up in the morning and get online to chat, my Eastern Time friends are already halfway through their day. Also, this is the time zone where Nirvana and Death Cab got their starts. The major drawback comes when you want to watch TV. Think of a show that you really love and watch every week. Do you have it? Okay, great. (I know it's The Hills, by the way). Let's say that show is on 10pm in the East. That means it's also on 10pm here, but 10pm here is really 1:00am in New York City! So that means we can't watch shows until hours after people in South Carolina, for example, have. The only thing I want to be behind South Carolina on is racial justice.

Today's Prediction
The South Carolina legislature will finally ratify the 13th, 14th and 15th amendments of the US Constitution in hopes to increase tourism from Oregon and Nevada. It won't be enough though, so they will also pass a law adopting Pacific Time Zone. Business will boom as Charleston becomes the new Portland and Myrtle Beach the new Carson City, at least culturally. I realize that if I play Nirvana's Live at Reading as loud as possible on my headphones I can get back to sleep after being awoken early in the morning by a dog whistle 500 miles away. I'm going to sleep with a coyote fur blanket.


  1. The tip is the most sensitive part!

  2. Haha!! AJ was ALWAYS getting into your feather collection. Thanks for the little animation with the cute circle person blowing at sheep. This was well worth the wait

  3. Haha, do people still listen to Death Cab for Cutie?

    I'm glad you were able to do this Glenn.

  4. Glenn, you should fall in love with a prostitute, and record the ins and outs of your tumultuous, destructive relationship on OYIT.

  5. this is fantastic. i can only imagine the trail of destruction you've left in your wake.

  6. all of the HIV stuff is much less funny in light of glenn's recent death. RIP