Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue VII]

By Katy



It's been a while since I wrote a Hi Katy quite this lengthy. I wanted to start an introduction by apologizing for the return of the uber-long advice column, but I've decided this merits no apologies. How can I sit by and apologize for bringing you advice on every day matters? I won't, and I won't continue this intro and make this article even longer. Go nuts.

HI Katy,
I am a twenty-three year old aspiring actress in a major metropolitan city. I won't tell you which one because then everyone will know who I am. Let's just say it's in Southern Florida. Anyway, I'm finding it really hard to be an actress here in Miami. I go to auditions and am pretty integrated into the theatre scene, but can't seem to find any substantive television or movie roles. I did one commercial for a car dealership, but I had to be nude for it. Not an ideal situation. Do you have any advice for my career or the best way to get blood stains out a backseat?
-Aspiring Annie

Hi Annie,

Let's tackle this bloodstain problem first. I've been reading this book on various baking soda remedies for various stains and cleaning needs. Unfortunately the section on blood removal had been torn out, but I'm pretty sure blood is exactly like wine. So, throw some baking soda on the stain and blot it up with a damp rag. This will probably take several days if not weeks. Next time put some plastic down first.

As for your mystery location situation... move to L.A. Nothing happens in Miami other than crime and David Caruso has that covered. You might think that everyone moves to L.A. and you'll have less of a chance to make it. BUT, you do have that naked commercial under in your portfolio and that'll give you just the right push to get into amateur porn. It's not posing naked to sell cars. It's having sex while wearing spiked heels and selling sex. Being a porn star is just as glamorous as a being a television or movie star, just with more chlamydia. So, perk up, pack up your face shots, sunglasses, and stuffed Penguin, Gilligan, and sail off to the stardom awaiting you in Hollywood.



If you have trouble finding something in the porn industry, go ahead and get your own reality television show with a couple other bitchy girls and spend a lot of money. Come to think of it, television and movie stars probably have just as much chlamydia.

Hi Katy,
I just joined a gym and have been running on the treadmills. I want to lose at least 30 lbs, how long is this going to take? I can only run on the treadmill for about 20 minutes right now, but will try to add time to that so take that into account please.
-Workout Willie

Hi Willie,

I by no means have enough information to give you a deadline on your weight loss goals. Current weight, height, eating habits, metabolism, muscle to fat ratio... all these things factor in to how
you personally lose weight. If you want to go a full diagnostic on your body, you should look into getting a personal trainer at the gym. They specialize in doing all of this stuff for you so you don't really have to pay attention.

Eating habits are everything. Watching your daily caloric intake and making sure that does not exceed a healthy daily limit for your size is important. Just this evening I was reading Good Housekeeping, a magazine all about how I live my life, and I came across an article about a free weight loss website that actually works! Just like the other thousands of websites that actually work, but at least this one is free and worth checking out. It's a program called SparkPeople and it seems a little too focus on the psychological side of weight loss, but perhaps fat people are just too busy not being psychological. They're too busy being fat. There's a lot of blah blah blah about loving yourself and setting attainable goals, but it's also very comprehensive. I'm signing up right now as I write this, so you know it's truly worth it because I not only give advice, I'm taking my own advice. I will shed 30 pounds with you.

More importantly, there's an option to enter your target weight and how long it will take to obtain that option. So you really didn't need me to write this much at all.. I could have just linked you to the expert. Sorry this wasn't that funny. As an "overweight" person, I take weight loss very seriously. Join me and let's stop being fat.

Hi Katy,
I'm entering an Oscar pool at my office today. What are your predictions? I'm thinking about picking Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon for best picture, but my husband says that's stupid. I need you to help please!!
-Predicting Patty

Hi Patty,

Having an Oscar pool on Academy Awards from 2000 seems like a very gutsy thing to do, but I'm easy, I can roll with this. Let's go down the list of 2000 Oscar nominations for best picture:

Gladiator: I went years and year without seeing this movie because frankly, I didn't want to. People went on and on about how awesome it is and I know at least seventy-two people who want to name their children after random characters in this film. Finally, a year or so ago, my friend Tyler finally made me sit down and watch this. It was all right, I guess, but I certainly didn't see it as the spectacular it was suppose to be. I hope it doesn't win. Murdering children should never solicit an award of this caliber.

Chocolat: I've never seen this movie. I've heard from several people that it's really good, but as recently pointed out, that rarely leads to me enjoying the film. This is the first time I've bothered to look up what it's about (this goes for at least three other movies on this list). It looks like some French women uses the sins of sweets and children to create heretics out of the French population; burning their churches and supplying them with chocolate covered strawberries instead. Any movie about shoveling fatty treats down chocolate-hating conservatives is a movie I can get behind. But it's not my Oscar pick.

Traffic: Haven't seen it. Actually, I started to watch this one time and was otherwise preoccupied with the kitten I adopted at(scooped out of the box and naming while strolling into) a friend's house. He was super cute. I named him Little Mexican because something about the sounds of those words together made this kitten even more adorable then it already was. We laughed, we played, we committed our lives to each other (in a caretaker/caretaked capacity), until one fateful day (a week or so later) when someone ran over my kitten. What the hell is Traffic even about?

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Have. Not. Seen. I really enjoy Asian cultures and their histories, but I couldn't give a crap less about movies involving their pets. Frankly, I'm more of a Japanese kinda person anyway. If this movie has a fight between a tiger and a dragon, I want to say the dragon would win, because it would be bigger and can breath fire all over that hairy dragon. But, alas, dragons do not exists. The tiger takes this one... but not my Oscar pick.

Erin Brocovich: Now this movie I saw. Over and over and over on FX or TBS or a similar television station that plays the same movies six times a day. It was moving and breathtaking and based on the true story of how Erin Brocovich neglected her young children, leaving them with a strange motorcycle hooligan she met for five minutes and repaid with a handjob. She then spends several hours making sure other children are happy while locking her own up in a closet and feeding them orange peels. In the end, all her children die from poison orange peels. Ironic? Kharma? All of the above? Hello Steven Soderbergh, come and get your Oscar!

Hi Katy,
I'm about to embark on a trip across the country. Traveling long distances of time by myself makes me feel like a combination between truck driver and serial killer. Have you ever made any long distance road trips by yourself? What should I do? I don't really want to pick up a hitchhiker because most of them end up killing people and taking their cars.
- Traveling Terry

Hi Terry,

A trip across the country sounds amazing! I did that back in 2006 when I was in college. I embarked on a Kerouac-eaque adventure, staking my claim from Iowa to Galesburg, IL to Peoria, IL to Bloomington, IL to Chicago, IL to... Galesbrug, IL and back to Iowa. I learned a lot about myself during that journey, but mostly I bought a lot of comic books, board games, stuffed animals, and didn't get to have sex in a cemetery. All in all it was everything I needed to realize I needed to go on an actual cross country trip.

All of that didn't really matter though, because I didn't go by myself. My longest self drive was from a small town in Illinois to Columbia, MO. It was wonderful. I listened to music, I sang, I drove through rain and sunshine, I wound up on detours Glenn didn't bother to warn me about, and I smoked enough cigarettes to give the car behind me secondhand lung cancer. I LOVE going on drives by myself. I'm sorry you don't feel the same way. Maybe if you imagine you're a serial killer in his off time you won't feel quite so weird about it.

I also don't think you should completely give up the idea of picking up hitchhikers. In fact, you should pick up hitchhikers and get back into the part of the serial killer. I'm not advocating that you actually murder anyone, but wouldn't it be fun to become progressively more crazy until the hitchhiker tucks and rolls out of your moving car? Take a picture and upload it to Facebook! Once you're rid of the hitchhiker, you can take off beaten paths, find amazing tiny restaurants and haunts, stop at the second and third largest truck stop in the world, and pet a bunny rabbit or two. Consider this trip, the trip you've been waiting for. Don't run out of gas, it'll be embarrassing.



WHEW. That's enough advice to last you a week. I hope. Because I'm going to give you more next week. Question me. The end.