Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue X]

By Katy 

Hi Katy,
I've long been a fan of surfing. I have never gone surfing personally, I'm too afraid of shark attacks. Is this a rational fear? How can I persuade a shark to not eat me when I try surfing or boogie boarding?
-Surfin' Sarah

Hi Sarah,

You know what? Lady Gaga has got to be one of the catchiest artists on the radio right now. I don't listen to the radio a lot, but lately I've been venturing back to the ole tuner while driving in my car. Aside from Lady Gaga, this One Republic song, "All The Right Moves," while completely pointless in its content has a super catchy chorus. But again, what the frick is this song about? Sample lyrics:

They got all the right friends in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
We've got all the right moves and all the wrong faces
So yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

The best I can gather: They have some friends in Florida, i.e., the "right place." Due to their ugly, or at least, incorrect faces, they have decided to go down. And, they told everyone else they were going down. Therefore, everyone now knows that they're going down. This song is unnecessarily dramatic.

This all started because I have a Vitamin C song stuck in my head that I haven't listened to in at least ten years. I stole the CD from my sister when I was younger and was completely taken with C's no-nonsense lyrics. I grew out of that right quick. Anyway, here's a not-official video for the song so now you can all have it stuck in your head:

Vitamin C -- Unhappy Anniversary

Sarah, I hope a shark eats you.

Hi Katy,
what is your opinion on legalization of marijuana? I find marijuana and the "drug culture" surrounding it about as entertaining and worthwhile as a neo nazi meeting, though hopefully less violent. At the same time it's stupid that children can drink communion wine and college students drink tons of alcohol and then die, but people can't smoke marijuana which doesn't hurt anyone! Do you support legalization? Or do you think we should be putting fucking Tommy Chong in prison and letting Osama bin Laden roam free?
420 Frank

Hi Frank,

I stopped believing in drugs when I took my first D.A.R.E. (To keep kids off drugs) class in third grade. It was in this class that a certain officer made it very clear that should I turn down drugs I would be labeled a "yellow bellied chicken" by my peers and relentlessly taunted until I finally gave in to the wacky tobacky. I vowed to eternally rise above the harsh words of schoolmates and their beckoning lies. The simplest way to accomplish that task was to deny the existence of drugs altogether and thus far it has completely worked.

Fortunately, I still use them. Err, I use some. I use one... and sometimes I take some Tylenol if my headache is like, super, SUPER awful. But yeah, I think marijuana should be legalized. It's an economical benefit as well as a way to get people to chill out for a while. And who doesn't need to chill out? We're a county bent on hating and hurting our own, I think everyone could use a kick back. BUT, it's still a choice.

There should be laws about driving while under the influence, just like alcohol, and rules about going into your place of employment under the influence, just like there are now. Legalizing marijuana doesn't need to be quite the apocalyptic downfall everyone seems to imagine. For a couple decades the idea that marijuana would unravel our universe has been drilled into our heads and we can't seem to get past this, but we have very little problem imbibing gallons of poison a month. My proposal: legalize it, regulate it, tax it (we could really use a large domestic crop) and call it a freaking day. Let's move on to bigger and better things. Let's loosen some room up in the prisons and stop fining college kids for laughing a little too loudly at Charlie The Unicorn clips. Plus, I'm sick of the crappy pot around here. For fuck's sake, can't we put some standards on this shit?

hi katy,
how r u. like ur column. can i ask u advice. how do i know if the boy i like luvs me. he says he does but idk. how do u no if luv is real.
luv (lol),

Hi Kitten,

Thanks, I really like my column as well. It's always nice to hear some kind words from my readers.

Love can be a confusing thing. It's so broad and yet so specific. Lucky for you, luv is a much easier concept to pick up on. How can you tell if he luvs you? Well, I made a list of bullet points for just this occasion:

Does he...

  • ..."LOL" when you "J/K," even if your joke wasn't very funny?

  • ...tell you he'll miss you when you "BRB" and enters a [insert sidewise smile emoticon that means...I dunno... something...and just makes situations awkward]?

  • ...send you clips of songs he thinks are the "bomb diggity" or "totally freakin' sweet?"

  • ...post status updates that he's thinking about @you and wishing you were online?

  • ...stay up over a half hour past his bedtime to keep chatting with you?

  • ...send you LOLcatz and tell you you "can haz?"

  • ...tag you in photos you're not even in?

  • ...RT within 10 minutes of your T?

    If you answered "yes" to 3 or more of these questions, then I think you have your answer. Go get 'em tiger.

    1. Hi Katy,

      I'm Dino Abbruzzese and I have a shark attack blog that has the info that you need. There's how to be friends with sharks and how you can scare a shark if it happens that they start charging you when you finally decide to try your sea legs =) All these information I got from Discovery Channel's Shark Adviser Andy Dehart. Check it out and let me know what you think!

      Here's my link:

    2. Thanks Dino, at least somebody is trying to help Sarah's irrational shark fear.

    3. i always wondered what happened to that cd! do you remember going to see her open for 98 degrees?

    4. I didn't know she opened for 98 degrees! I remember No Authority, though. And I put the CD back in your case years ago, though I did rebuy it at Half Price last year.

      Are you applying for my job, Dino?

    5. Katy's "Does he..." section could revolutionize online relationships if people gave it the appropriate heed.

    6. I'm happy to make that into its own article. I have plenty more online relationship advice.

    7. That One Republic song is about people with the Elephant Man's disease! I'm glad the brother of Pearl Jam's first drummer dropped by to drop some shark knowledge!! Im in luv with Kitten!!!


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