Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts

Glenn's 2015 Resolutions (and 2014 reviewed)


By Glenn

As you all know, I made some incredibly brave resolutions for 2014, which I announced publicly for the same reason I do anything: a profound desire to be noticed.  Since I was the only person to make resolutions last year (and the only person in my peer group to take them seriously), I deserve my own New Years Resolutions article with a review of last year and a complete list of what's in store for 2015.

2014 Resolutions



Stop Checking Facebook so much
I wasn't able to do this on my own so I downloaded an app called SelfControl that helped me control my Facebook consumption along with many other disgusting urges that are an affront to Allah.  This was a bad resolution because it's not quantifiable unless you use a different app called RescueTime that tracks your online time.  I cannot use that app since my Salafist strain of Islam forbids it.
Verdict: Partially Completed

Switch to Paul or George
Still couldn't do this (Instant Karma is too good) but I did price out copies of the George Harrison boxed set.
Verdict: Failed

Learn Every World Capital
I neglected this until the very end, but over the last few weeks have surged like UN membership to an 88% memorization rate. Ironically those I'm having the most trouble remembering are the countries where I've spent the most time: Solomon Islands, Saint Lucia, Myanmar, et cetera.  If we go by the Russian Orthodox calendar I'll have this one complete in time.
Verdict: Mostly Completed

Use Google
Couldn't do it.  Still an Altavista guy and when I'm looking for something published after 1998 I use Duck Duck Go.
Verdict: Failed

Stop Eating Candy or Cookies
Without a doubt the hardest of the resolutions, this was one I'm most proud of completing.  Was I tempted? Sure. But this pledge was important: it dealt with a terrible behavior that was killing me and it was the only resolution I could smugly explain repeatedly around food.  It also worked because I could still eat other, lesser sweets like fruit snacks, donuts or high fat mint ice cream. 
Verdict: Success

2015 Resolutions



Read 12 books or one book per month, whichever is smaller
I read ten in 2014 (not counting anything from the Discworld series) so this should be doable. 

Sell my books 
Notice a fucked up book pattern here?  My heavy, homeless-esque usage of the library renders most of the books I do own and haven't read worthless to me, but worth anywhere from $2.49 to $10.99 to someone else, once I sell them on Half.com, the #1 site for selling your books online.

Contact my sister’s kids once a month
Part of being an uncle is living far away from your niece and nephew, but unless you want them to permanently view you as some weird version of Uncle Buck they gotta hear from you more often.  That way, they'll think o]f you as some weird version of Uncle Jesse.  Are there any famous uncles besides those from television and movies?

Maintain a budget on music purchases
I, like David Byrne, hold the crazy belief that people will eventually stop making music if they can't make a career from it.  That's why I try to financially support artists and record labels I enjoy by buying instead of stealing music.  At the same time, I have at times fallen into that consumer abyss where I attempt to spend my way out of anomie through Wilco boxed sets.  This year I will be making a small ($600) monthly budget allowable to be spent on albums in whatever form gives me the most indie cred.

Try stand up comedy
Although you wouldn't know it this article, I actually enjoy humor: both consuming and producing it.  Though I'm not funny enough for anyone to flippantly say to me "you should try stand up," I am funny enough to think I could do better than the many unfunny stand-up comedians I've seen.  OYIT's Jake's shocking rise to the top of the Midwest Comedy Scene has also inspired me since we wrote our first joke together back in 1997 (referring to a famous celebrity as 'Princess DIE-ana').  Hopefully 2015 will be the year I step onto the stage once to tell the same jokes that made me the hit at all my parents' key parties in the mid-70s. 

New Years Resolutions 2014


By Glenn

This website has a notorious reputation for posting New Year's Resolutions and then forgetting about them like drowned hero Caylee Anthony. The staff first posted resolutions back in 2010 (the worst year on record), followed up by Glenn and Jake in 2011 and staff/Ryan in 2012. In 2013 there was no point because the world had ended on the Aztec Apocalypse® brought to you by State Farm Insurance. But now that the world is back, so is we I! Here are my 100% actual and real New Year's Resolutions® brought to you by Circuit City.

Stop Checking Facebook so much
I've opened and closed the Facebook.com website probably 20-30 times in the hour I've been attempting to write this article.  It would be more frequent but it's late at night and most of the teens I know are in bed.  I could deactivate my account but then the obsessive behavior would switch to Twitter or Snapchat, which a young person recently explained to me. This is by far the most difficult resolution and that's just the way Facebook likes it.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 5%

Stop Eating Candy and Cookies
Because I was raised by Midwesterners and have some genetic disorder, in me there is a strong inclination for junk food (similar to junk websites like Facebook).  This one sounds the hardest but I've done a similar boycott in 2012 in the period leading up the Summer Olympics (unrelated) and it's hard for me to be self righteous about other people's food choices if I make bad ones myself.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 90%

Stop Eating Old Batteries
Though it did get me on an as-of-yet-unaired episode of FXX's "My Crazy Obsession," eating batteries has otherwise produced no tangible benefits except a possible inoculation against autism.  And - not to be crude on a family site - "passing" them is not a pleasant experience, especially with the horrendous anal fissures I experienced throughout 2013.  2014 will be battery-free for me!
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 98%

Switch to Paul or George
A great internet commenter once said...
I have a favorite beatle theory....you start off loving Ringo because as a child he is the one you identify with, you then either became a Paul or John fan depending on how angry you are as a teen, now then I think if you stay with Paul you remain a Paul fan and I don't know how I feel about that..if you go with John you either become entirely insufferable or you evolve into a George fan, beware anyone who's favorite Beatle is George before they are in their 20's. You can remain a george fan for the rest of your life and be perfectly fine if not a bit smug but in an Eastern philosophy sort of smug. I started off with Ringo, went to John, then George and I am now a Paul fan because I think he is the best songwriter in the band. If you stay on the Ringo stage you don't really like the Beatles, the other three all give you different paths but your path is determined when you decided that this was your favorite Beatle. A teenager who loves Paul songs exclusively is not someone whom you would like to spend time with much as a John fan in their 30's is not someone you would want to spend a lot of time with. Also note, I do not believe there is another musical group that could inspire this type of detail. Thank you.
...and I guess he's right. But I now have the Lennon boxed set and really wanted to start going through it.  Does anyone have a used W*I*N*G* cassette I could borrow? Just borrow!  Please comment if so. 
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 30%

Learn Every World Capital
Not since battling my elementary school principle on multiplication flashcards in 3rd grade have I used what is essentially a party trick to convince myself and a few others of above average intelligence.  Unfortunately due to heavy DMT/LSD usage I've forgotten many of the capitals I used to know and let's face it: I never really KNEW Africa.  Since I love parties and hope one day to be shouting out answers to a high school geography club relentlessly quizzing me, it's time to finally learn them all for 2014 and forever.  Even Comoros.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 75%

Use Google
Surprisingly, I have never used Google to search for something on the internet but, privacy concerns aside, it does seem to be the best search engine.  I will try it one time in 2014.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 8%

Writing more on this website
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 100%

Debate: Quitting Facebook

By Glenn and Jake

Between the hit movie “Social Network” and the hit application Farmville, you cannot ignore Facebook anymore.  OYIT has been the #1 site on the web for investigating Facebook, with our quaintly anachronistic Myspace vs. Facebook debate, a take down of the redesigned Facebook and our compilation of testimonials.  The decision to leave Facebook is the third most important decision an internet user can make, behind whether to join in the first place and what picture to use on your Classmates.com profile.  As the Facebook exile community grows, what will come of it and should more people join?  Will it thrive, like the Armenian exiles of Southern California?  Or become a monster itself, like the state of Israel?  Read on and find out!

Glenn: This debate hits very close to home for me and not just because I grew up in Palo Alto, California.  Just last week I decided, seemingly out of the blue, to deactivate my Facebook.  Ostensibly it was to help me be more productive at work but anyone who has access to my private LiveJournal knows that my issues with Facebook as a company and some aspects of online social networking have been growing stronger with every update.  The Facebook privacy regulations are insulting and on the rare times it comes down on the right side of a legislative issue, it’s mostly by accident or narrow minded self preservation (like the Chamber of Commerce opposing House GOP efforts to kill the American Community Survey part of the US Census).  There’s also the issue of how the site takes over every single aspect of your personality and traps you in a world wide web of alienation.  Facebook ruined my life!

Jake:  You say that Facebook ruined your life, but anybody that has been intimate with you for as many years as I have knows that your life was ruined before Mark Zuckerberg even had the idea to steal the idea of Facebook.  Facebook is a fun way to stay in touch with people without having to directly interact with them.  Out of my 128 Facebook friends, I could delete all but 15 and would still get the same amount of comments and likes as I do currently.  Yet, I refuse to delete my Facebook account for no reason like Glenn.  And we all know that Glenn will be back.  This is not the first time Glenn has “quit” Facebook, nor will it be the last.  When you quit Facebook, Glenn, you are being a dick.  You send me links on Twitter (over 3,000 followers, @jakefm), which I get Tweets sent to my phone, and I do not have a data plan and cannot visit the link without going into the ugly, shitty Twitter site.  Nor can I post links to your Facebook wall now that you have no Facebook.  It is quite perturbing.  Get back on Facebook, bro.  We need you there.

Glenn:  I apologize to our readers.  I did not mean to turn this debate into a psychoanalysis of why I personally chose to left Facebook except inasmuch as my experience mirrors the universal human experience.  Jake says this is not the first time I have “quit” Facebook and I disagree.  In the past 8 years of joyous ups and downs - including numerous overalls of the site, changed relationship statuses and finding my birth parents - I never actually deactivated my account.  But making the decision to do so now feels different than the times I even previously considered it. We can all agree that those cartoonish villains who perpetually deactivate (whether for academic or NBA finals) and then return are worthy of scorn.  I hope to not become those people, but I can see their origin stories in myself.  Deactivating your Facebook can be the most liberating experience outside of the Iraqi peoples’ in 2003.  Maybe my esteemed debate partner should threaten those 113 friends who pay him no mind and then go through with a deactivation to make them feel the pain he does every day.

Jake:  Deactivating your Facebook account is worse than the people who still don’t have a Facebook in 2012.  Not having a Facebook is like not having a TV, it is just something people can be smug assholes about during a day-to-day conversation.  We get it, you live an alternative lifestyle!  Now it is time to come into the real world where we spend all of our extra money on Farmville and we watch reruns of “All That” whenever Nick decides to add them to the schedule.  Where else are we going to see a little girl do an impression of Ross Perot?  Facebook is a very satisfying experience.  It allows you to see pictures of beautiful women and men you were afraid to converse with in high school in a swimsuit situation.  How many of us can claim that we have not masturbated to Facebook photos of our friends?  I know Glenn cannot make such a ludicrous claim.  I certainly cannot.  I believe that when it is time for Glenn to crank one out he will return to Facebook, with fleshlight in tow..

Glenn:  Any movie after 10pm on the Oxygen, We, or Lifetime cable channels gives me more than enough material, but I’m glad you brought this up.  Did you know that Facebook claims property rights to the “swimsuit pictures” and anything else you upload to your photo albums?  Imagine them using a picture of you simulating fellatio on a statue in a new advertising campaign for Facebook+.  Or giving over your message history to the FBI without a warrant?  “Not in my America!” you claim, thinking our legal and constitutional provisions protect your privacy.  Your America is dead, your government is in shambles and Facebook is now the third most populous country in the world (behind China and India).  Unlike those countries, however, Facebook is not a democracy.  It is a benevolent dictatorship run by borderline autistic and even more borderline Jewish Mark Zuckerberg.  So we leave, because that’s what people do when they’re trapped in authoritarian states.  Those who stay end up dead... or Vaclav Havel.

Jake:  Facebook is fine.  Your claim that Facebook has “property rights” to the photos is untrue.  You maintain ownership of the photos of yourself holding a camera up high and taking a photo of your face/cleavage.  Facebook’s photo rights has more to do with reposting the photos across feeds, not sharing them with third parties.  Even with your made up points, I still think you are fighting a losing battle.  Frankly, it would be nice if you were on Facebook merely for One Year in Texas.  While you were “liking” and sharing articles, our readership was higher than it currently is.  Everybody on Facebook should be “liking” OYIT articles, but this just isn’t the case.  A very small minority likes the posts on Facebook, although many like them on here, which we greatly appreciate.  What I don’t appreciate is Glenn seemingly bailing on Facebook and One Year in Texas.  Glenn is a real piece of shit.

Facebook Fun Volume 1

By Staff

 Have you ever made fun of someone in real life or Facebook? You shouldn't, because it's wrong. But two wrongs can make a right in the new feature we're calling Facebook Fun. Please enjoy these screenshots of us saying things we may or may not believe.  You can also click on the pictures and then scroll through a HTML-based applet that displays them.

Ryan's ex-girlfriend's mom made the mistake of trying to understand a Facebook status.  Her son enjoyed it.


Then Ryan and Glenn got into a serious discussion about Tron and motorcycles as a comment on a youtube video about recreating the Tron Motorcycle.


Then Glenn interacted with a parent on FB.














Then we started in on the many Lana Del Rey fan pages.











Then a woman who is a REAL animal communicator started posting pictures on her FB page.









I don't remember where this is from.


Finally, Roy Blunt, sponsor of the infamous "Blunt Amendment" that allowed employers not to give birth control to women, posted links on his page.




On The New Facebook

By Mary 

The new Facebook profile spread faster than HPV and, as we’re all well-aware, last week this option became obtrusively mandatory. News feeds were inundated with Facebook friends’ profile updates: current cities, interests, and my personal favorite: “Who inspires you?”

Sure, there are many reasons for an aversion to the new profile – familiarity with the previous format and not knowing any foreign languages to proudly display along with the rest of the vital stats – but regardless of our motivations, the implementation of last week’s mandate defeated the resistance to change we old-profilers maintained and communism broke the glimpse of what seemed like choice in the market of Facebook profiles.

We’ve experienced both positive and negative modifications to Facebook throughout the course of its existence. Forget the invasion of privacy and targeted advertisements, the new profile ranks up there with “Moms on Facebook” on the list of all-time worst Facebook changes. While we were in college, the old-fashioned Facebook was not only a fun tool of procrastination and display of party photos; Facebook was intentionally purposeful, as it allowed us to connect with people taking the same courses. It then took on a madness of its own and in the same way that we were connected by the network of our alma mater, Facebook has expanded to connect us by the music we like, activities we enjoy, languages we speak.

We all remember the arrival of the News Feed and feeling hyper-exposed. Then, we realized how much more easily we could find out which people we went to high school with are now preggers and, much like during fornication, we became comfortable with the nakedness almost instantaneously. The improvement was like upgrading to DSL from dial-up and with the profound ease of Facebook-stalking, the news feed became our preferred form of pornography and we wouldn’t think twice about reverting back to the old ways.

Last Thursday, Facebook upgraded me to the new profile against my will. Like many of my fellow comrades in la resistencia, I updated my status to reflect my denunciation and accordingly made modifications to my profile to fit the new format.

LANGUAGES: Aside from ordering a burrito, my Spanish-speaking skills are non-existent, which almost makes me wish I didn’t drink so much red wine in Spain or tequila on Spring Break. ‘English’… On second thought, maybe I’ll just leave that one blank, rather than announce that I never bothered to learn a language in addition to my native tongue.

FAMILY: Not sure if I need to make that facebook-official. Christmas dinner is enough of a reminder. BLANK again.

PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE YOU:

Being the serious type, I decided to announce to the entire Facebook realm who actually inspires me, once I figured it out for myself. As I stared at the Facebook (NEW) profile update page, I asked myself: “Where am I? What am I doing here? And whose fault is it?” I entered the first influential individual’s name and Facebook did not recognize it. I tried it again: nope. I entered another name, then another. Unlike political beliefs and religion, Facebook wouldn’t let me save the unrecognizable changes and, in a panic, I threw my laptop out the window.

Facebook has crossed the line with the new profile. In its attempt to connect us all through these interests, our alma mater, our occupation and employers, it restricts us to this assumed level of commonality. I tried to play along, but now realize we simply don’t need to share something with somebody else for each and every aspect of our profile. I am admittingly a Facebook-junkie, and this is where Facebook has gone wrong.

Facebook Testimonies

By Jake 

Facebook is a social networking site that allows users to connect with and friend people they didn't talk to in high school. Nearly everybody is on Facebook, but what of the few people who swear by MySpace or Friendster or just haven't signed up yet? Perhaps they don't realize what they're missing. I'm assuming everybody who doesn't have a Facebook account reads One Year in Texas-- afterall we do average 80 readers a day. I have provided these non-users with some positive testimonies about Facebook that will hopefully put their minds at ease and encourage them to sign up. Perhaps you will find them entertaining even if you do have a Facebook account.



"I used to have trouble remembering my wife's birthday. Every year it was the same. I'd wake up and she'd be staring expectedly at me, waiting for a thoughtful gift. I'd tell her that I wasn't going to give it to her until after the romantic dinner I had planned for her and head to work. Then I'd forget it was her birthday again. We'd end up eating at Denny's. As she wept into her Moons over My Hammy, I would hand her my gift-- an electronic pencil sharpener. It was the only thing I could find. What made it a terrible gift was that she only used pens-- I should have gotten her pens. Now, thanks to Facebook, I get a reminder a few days before her birthday. This year I took her on a cruise and gave her a trophy for being a loving wife and our marriage has never been better! Facebook, you are the greatest!"
-Thomas Seymour, 46, Summerville, TN

"Growing up in the city, I never really understood how farming worked. I'd see produce at the market and scoff. I'd say things like 'this came from the dirt, big deal' and 'who gives a shit about farmers.' I was a real asshole. Then my Mom made fun of me for not having a Facebook account, so I signed up. Now I sit at my desk for an hour every day playing the Farmville application. It helped me get in touch with middle America and the struggle of the farmer. I am currently donating 10% of my wages to Farm Aid. Thanks to Facebook and its applications I understand the plight of the American farmer."
-Bertram Woodbar, 31, Indigo, CT

"I have never been able to get very close to people. I'm just really shy and would get embarrassed whenever I start to talk to anybody. I felt like nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say. I joined Facebook out of curiousity. It seemed like everybody was doing it and how could everybody be wrong? Within a week I had 40 friends! I couldn't believe my eyes and I have excellent vision. My self esteem started to rise like a Chinese sun. Soon I was going outside and chatting up my overweight neighbor. I blushed a little, but not too much. Facebook gave me the confidence to connect with the outside world. People are usually so down on the internet because they think it keeps you inside, but I'm the proof that it gets you outside more often."
-Sarah Farkle, 26, Earl Grey, MO

"People were warning me when I signed up for Facebook that it was highly addictive. I used to be hooked on Lady H-- that's heroin for you not in the know-- and it destroyed my life. My wife left me and took our infant daughter with her. Now my daughter is seven and I haven't seen her in years. I can keep up with her through the photos on my ex-wife's Facebook page. I can also get really jealous over the guys she dates. Guess what, I super poke the living shit out of them and that's like punching somebody in the real world. Without Facebook I wouldn't know anything about my beautiful little girl and I would be in jail for throwing molotov cocktails through my ex-wife's boyfriends' windows. Facebook is keeping me out of jail and stopping me from chasing the dragon."
-Sully Franklin, 38, Largo, IN

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue X]

By Katy 



Hi Katy,
I've long been a fan of surfing. I have never gone surfing personally, I'm too afraid of shark attacks. Is this a rational fear? How can I persuade a shark to not eat me when I try surfing or boogie boarding?
-Surfin' Sarah

Hi Sarah,

You know what? Lady Gaga has got to be one of the catchiest artists on the radio right now. I don't listen to the radio a lot, but lately I've been venturing back to the ole tuner while driving in my car. Aside from Lady Gaga, this One Republic song, "All The Right Moves," while completely pointless in its content has a super catchy chorus. But again, what the frick is this song about? Sample lyrics:

They got all the right friends in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
We've got all the right moves and all the wrong faces
So yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

The best I can gather: They have some friends in Florida, i.e., the "right place." Due to their ugly, or at least, incorrect faces, they have decided to go down. And, they told everyone else they were going down. Therefore, everyone now knows that they're going down. This song is unnecessarily dramatic.

This all started because I have a Vitamin C song stuck in my head that I haven't listened to in at least ten years. I stole the CD from my sister when I was younger and was completely taken with C's no-nonsense lyrics. I grew out of that right quick. Anyway, here's a not-official video for the song so now you can all have it stuck in your head:


Vitamin C -- Unhappy Anniversary

Sarah, I hope a shark eats you.

Hi Katy,
what is your opinion on legalization of marijuana? I find marijuana and the "drug culture" surrounding it about as entertaining and worthwhile as a neo nazi meeting, though hopefully less violent. At the same time it's stupid that children can drink communion wine and college students drink tons of alcohol and then die, but people can't smoke marijuana which doesn't hurt anyone! Do you support legalization? Or do you think we should be putting fucking Tommy Chong in prison and letting Osama bin Laden roam free?
420 Frank

Hi Frank,

I stopped believing in drugs when I took my first D.A.R.E. (To keep kids off drugs) class in third grade. It was in this class that a certain officer made it very clear that should I turn down drugs I would be labeled a "yellow bellied chicken" by my peers and relentlessly taunted until I finally gave in to the wacky tobacky. I vowed to eternally rise above the harsh words of schoolmates and their beckoning lies. The simplest way to accomplish that task was to deny the existence of drugs altogether and thus far it has completely worked.

Fortunately, I still use them. Err, I use some. I use one... and sometimes I take some Tylenol if my headache is like, super, SUPER awful. But yeah, I think marijuana should be legalized. It's an economical benefit as well as a way to get people to chill out for a while. And who doesn't need to chill out? We're a county bent on hating and hurting our own, I think everyone could use a kick back. BUT, it's still a choice.

There should be laws about driving while under the influence, just like alcohol, and rules about going into your place of employment under the influence, just like there are now. Legalizing marijuana doesn't need to be quite the apocalyptic downfall everyone seems to imagine. For a couple decades the idea that marijuana would unravel our universe has been drilled into our heads and we can't seem to get past this, but we have very little problem imbibing gallons of poison a month. My proposal: legalize it, regulate it, tax it (we could really use a large domestic crop) and call it a freaking day. Let's move on to bigger and better things. Let's loosen some room up in the prisons and stop fining college kids for laughing a little too loudly at Charlie The Unicorn clips. Plus, I'm sick of the crappy pot around here. For fuck's sake, can't we put some standards on this shit?

hi katy,
how r u. like ur column. can i ask u advice. how do i know if the boy i like luvs me. he says he does but idk. how do u no if luv is real.
luv (lol),
-kitten

Hi Kitten,

Thanks, I really like my column as well. It's always nice to hear some kind words from my readers.

Love can be a confusing thing. It's so broad and yet so specific. Lucky for you, luv is a much easier concept to pick up on. How can you tell if he luvs you? Well, I made a list of bullet points for just this occasion:

Does he...

  • ..."LOL" when you "J/K," even if your joke wasn't very funny?

  • ...tell you he'll miss you when you "BRB" and enters a [insert sidewise smile emoticon that means...I dunno... something...and just makes situations awkward]?

  • ...send you clips of songs he thinks are the "bomb diggity" or "totally freakin' sweet?"

  • ...post status updates that he's thinking about @you and wishing you were online?

  • ...stay up over a half hour past his bedtime to keep chatting with you?

  • ...send you LOLcatz and tell you you "can haz?"

  • ...tag you in photos you're not even in?

  • ...RT within 10 minutes of your T?

    If you answered "yes" to 3 or more of these questions, then I think you have your answer. Go get 'em tiger.