KTz Preview Reviewz [Iron Man Edition]



By Katy 

One movie. Longest article ever.

Iron Man II (Rated for shit you can't even imagine).


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Synopsis: Tony "the Stark Man" Stark is like the worst secret super hero ever because everyone knows he's the Iron Man. Seriously, Bruce Wayne almost choked on his Dom Perignon when he saw the first movie. Anyway, all the people in the Marvel Universe know that Anthony is Iron Man and now the military wants to get their greedy little hands on this amazing iron-y equipment so they can take out noobs in Pakistan. Err, Kuwait. Qatar? Who are we attacking now? Well, it's likely the military is attacking somebody, so for the sake of argument let's say Ohio. The military wants to attack Ohio but Toners is afraid that someone not quite as sane as the U.S. military will get a hold of this amazing armor and use it to... ummm... stay safe from their attacks? So rather than deal with the military, Mr. Stark makes some new friends and then battles some dudes. Word.

My Take: I've proclaimed myself a nerd on this site several times, and I guess that means I should automatically like comic book characters. Well, I don't. Particularly Marvel. It just doesn't do it for me. I tried to watch the first Iron Man when I was strung out on codeine and I got about fifteen minutes in before I wanted to throw up. To be fair, that was mostly the fault of the codeine, but I haven't looked back since. It probably has something to do with the whole military aspect. I thought it might be Robert Downey, Jr., but then I was like, man candy. He's pretty. But Iron Man is lame. Though, it should be noted that Scarlett Johansson is in this movie and I would plow her into next Sunday.

**SPECIAL SEGMENT**

KTz Boyfriend'z Take: Katy has asked that I write a review of Iron Man 2. Now, I went into this knowing I was going to like it and I warned her my review was going to essentially be me manually pleasuring Iron Man (there's some exceptional imagery). Basically, after having watched the movie, this is still entirely true. So, since reviews that simply go, "This was amazing and wonderful and exciting and enjoyable," etc. are boring, I'm going to first review Wehrenberg Theater.

Most of you (if you're lucky) probably don't know what this is, but it is the most poorly run theater I've ever had to experience. I can remember seeing one movie in the past two years that has not fucked up in some way. Most of the time it's something little; the movie's slightly out of focus or the previews are upside down while the audio is running backwards. These don't necessarily take you out of a movie. Tonight, fortunately, nothing happened during the film, once it finally started. Forty-five minutes is a long time to wait for a midnight movie to start when you arrived there at 12:02AM. It could be worse, though. Going to the original Iron Man, there was no bass for the last half of the movie. The first fifteen minutes of Burn After Reading had no subtitles because the projector was pointed too far down. During Unborn the film physically melted halfway through the movie (to be fair it did not hurt the movie's watchability one bit). So, if you're ever in the Cedar Rapids area, and you must go to a movie, for the love of god go to Wynnsong.

So yeah, Iron Man 2! This is the classic story of Futuristic-Armor-Bedecked-Boy 1 meets Futuristic-Armor-Bedecked-Boy 2 and they fall in love. Partway through, a Differently-Bedecked-Boy comes into the mix, and tries to coax the love of FABB1 from FABB2. He makes a flashy display, to which FABB1 turns a deaf ear, so in love with FABB2 is he. However, the incredible pimp, Sam Rockwell, notices this display and tells DBB that, with his funding and expertise, he can win the heart of FABB1 for DBB. Great efforts are made by the onscreen women to capture the attention of any of the men in the movie (and audience), but it's clear that they only have eyes for suits of armor.

This was an excellent movie, and if you've seen the first one and liked it there's virtually nothing you will not like about this movie. There's a weird scientific fact shown in the movie that as long as your blood is not 100% poison, you will not die. Also, there is a rather unnecessary side plot that the writers seem to realize isn't needed halfway through the movie and just magic it away. These points are the only bad (and by bad I mean I can only come up with these two after going over the entire movie in my head eight times trying to find something negative to say) bits of film making I can remember from the entire movie. The pacing is excellent, the humor is fun (if a little frat-boyish, but it's for comic nerds, c'mon) and the action really made me want to be a violent person, and isn't that what action movies are all about?

To sum up: if you didn't like the first movie, DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE. You will hate it. If you enjoy fun and liked the first movie like a normal person, go. Enjoy. You will not be disappointed. And, like all Marvel movies, if you want to enjoy just a little more geekiness, stay through the end credits.

**Writers Note**

Josh sees three movies a week in the theatre. He is the only person I know who has had this bad of luck at Wehrenberg (and who wouldn't with those percentages?). Plus, his memory sucks. In my five years of attending 99% of my theatrical viewings at Wehrenberg, I have had one problem, and that was while seeing a movie with Josh. Due to his blatant and unwarranted hatred of (shhh) Wehrenberg (shhh), Galaxy 16 has gone out of its way to ruin every film Josh attends.

What Josh failed to mention is that you are more than welcome to give Wynnsong a chance if you want to develop scabies upon your first trip to the restroom. In fact, my worst movie going experience to date took place on the 22 of May. The year 2008. The movie? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. (Yeah, it was horrible for several reasons, obviously). But what matters is that for the first thirty minutes of the movie the film was physically split so that the top half of the movie took place on the bottom of the screen. Yeah. Still want to go to Wynnsong? I didn't think so. Plus, Wehrenberg has a mother fucking arcade!

Last time I let Josh write a review, right? Am I right? I'm just kidding. Here on OYIT everyone's opinions are valid. Even if they hate on awesome theatres.

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(My apologies to my reading audience. I may have lost my way a little on this one. Enjoy your day!)

5 comments:

  1. The couple that writes together stays together.

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  2. I liked the first Iron Man movie. I think I will probably like the sequel too, but I don't think I'll go see it in the theater. Not just because I could buy 4 movies on DVD for the price of Kal and I going to a movie. Most critics have said that it's not as good as the first one.

    Also, I mostly agree with you on Marvel. Although, I am a big fan of Ultimate Spider-Man. Marvel has horrible villains. DC's villains are usually pretty psychotic. Plus Superman, Green Lantern, Flash and Batman are so much more awesome than any Marvel hero.

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  3. there are wehrenberg theaters all over st. louis!! i didn't know they existed in other cities. i think my step dad knew/knows one of the owners, and we went to visit him in the hospital once..or something like that(hence the "knew/knows"...not sure if he's still alive). sorry for talking about wehrenberg instead of iron man. i can't say anything of note about it cos i have no earthly desire to see it, yet have nothing against those who do. i did like the end of that trailer though. the man in me (aka all of me) got so excited!!

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  4. I love this. You guys are just like Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy, only more sassy.

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  5. 'Here on OYIT everyone's opinions are valid.' - except Bobby Langston's (sp?)!

    Those scabies didn't come from no toilet.

    I liked Josh! You two should do dueling (or dueting) movie trailer 'takes'.

    Is 'noob' the Muslim equivalent of 'heeb'?

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