Debate: Did Aliens Build the Pyramids?

By Jake & Glenn

The pyramids, like Easter Island and the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, are part of the Seven Wonders of the World. Every year millions of people visit them in a feeble attempt to find meaning in their own lives. Like modern art, interpreting the pyramids is a frustrating experience but not as frustrating as the search for their origin. Many origin stories exist - found in films like The Ten Commandments or Human Centipede (First Sequence) - but even President Obama has not been able to force a law through Congress to finally establish how these pyramids were built. The following debate will be read into the Congressional record at the beginning of the next legislative session.

Jake: While it is impossible to prove that aliens built the pyramids, it is hard to believe that humans alone built these mammoth structures. Could the ancient Egyptians build pyramids using only the tools that existed at the time, which does not include the wheel, pulley or cranes. How would they do it and for what reason? Mainstream archeologists like Glenn will have you believe that they were enormous tombs for their fallen pharaohs, but that's ludicrous! Mummified corpses have been found in the pyramids, but that does not explicitly mean that is their sole function. I will not say exactly what I think the pyramids were used for until a later point, as to build some suspense. Ancient alien theorists like myself know that aliens travelled to Earth and gave us much of our technology, including the tech that the Egyptians used to build the pyramids. Also, any time the Bible refers to angels visiting Earth, it is obviously talking about alien contact.

Glenn: Even in his first point, our friend Jake is already devolving into bizarre alien sexual fantasies and conspiracy theories that make the 9-11 truth movement look like a weekend weather forecast. I have been to the pyramids numerous times in my life and every time I visited I felt comforted knowing that my ancestors had built them hundreds of years ago. I saw the tools they used to build them: a series of ropes and pulleys blessed by the Pharaoh. Independence Day is one of the most entertaining summer movies ever released, and it shows us much about why aliens did not build the pyramids. Aliens, if they exist, will come here to destroy the Earth and eat its residents, including yours truly. The last thing on their mind is how to build the most aerodynamic pyramids that they can subsequently abandon for ten thousands years - which is longer than the Earth itself has existed!

Jake: Glenn lets Independence Day shape his view about aliens much like I, Robot has filled me with a swelling distrust of robots. Will Smith is a scientologist, as we all know, and he believes in aliens. I'm not sure whether he believes that they helped construct the pyramids. Even if he does not; I still do. I mean, I do not just go along with whatever Will Smith tells me. I'm not his puppet, although I highly respect him and love all of his films.

It is a well-known fact that Tutankhamun and his father Akhenaten both had misshapen heads much like those of the aliens that frequent 311 album covers. This is because they have alien DNA. These are our ancestors and I could not be happier. Now when I go outside and stare into the sun I know that my ancient ancestors lived there or somewhere nearby.

Glenn: That was the most bizarre and alien-fused stream of consciousness I have read since I went to the Museum of Natural History's Marshall Applewhite exhibit. On display were his collected writings from 1956-1997 and nowhere did he mention aliens coming to Earth to build the pyramids. Additionally, I think Jake is trying to imply aliens are our ancestors? This is even more offensive to me than the scientifically valid idea that my great great great grandfather was a gorilla, not unlike those featured in the movie Congo with Laura Linney and Tim Curry. I am no conspiracy theorist or drugged out wacko - I firmly believe that human beings were created in their present form by the Christian god approximately 10,000 years ago. Why would an all-knowing, all-powerful and absolutely fabulous being create humans when aliens were already traveling around the universe, building sleek, sexy pyramids on every planet they visited? It doesn't pass the smell test.

Jake: I may be a conspiracy theorist and drugged out wacko, but at least I am polite. Like the proverb says, 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.' I do not see why pyramids not being on the moon or Venus means that aliens did not build ours. In fact, I find it downright offensive. There are millions of planets in the universe, some we have yet to discover. These planets could have pyramids so large that they would make your eyeballs bulge out of your skull and explode as if you were a horny cartoon wolf in a zoot suit. We just do not know. You find it easy to believe that God created the Earth in six days and then created Adam and Eve, but never created the dinosaurs; I find it even easier to believe that aliens travelled to Earth, helped us create the pyramids, which they used as a power source. Much like Christians believe that God is the answer to every hard-to-explain phenomena, I feel that aliens are always the answer, which is why I failed out of Computer Science class.

Glenn: If you want to turn this into a contest about who failed the most academic courses in college, I welcome that. I was failing the most basic of English literature courses while most of OYIT's readers were in the womb. I just can't make the leap that aliens, whether those on a 311 album cover or featured in the hit blockbuster Independence Day, created the pyramids while human beings were in the metaphorical womb. If aliens build the world's most famous landmarks, what have humans done to justify our existence? When aliens finally do visit the Earth and demand we justify our worth as a species, what will we have to point to? I would point to the pyramids, the Grand Canyon and Heidi Montag's face and body as proof that human beings have not wasted the time on Earth given to us by a god. If that isn't enough for our alien arbiters, I fear the judgment they lay down - at least for the sake of all the people left behind. I will be leaving with them, onto the next planet and the next adventure!


  1. OYIT is all aliens, all the time now. As it should be.

  2. Good God that was great! Marshall Applewhite and horny cartoon wolves - this db8 is my 9-11!!

  3. All of my knowledge on aliens, pyramids and 311 comes from a History Channel series called Ancient Aliens. It's pretty amazing.

  4. I think that Jake is right...I cant believe i just said that. Lil Wayne told me that he is an alien and a goblin. He has amazing out of this universe music so i think his people, and i mean that in a racist way, are the aliens that made the pyramids. I bet that if you play phone home out of each of the pyramids at the loudest level our planet will be transformed to a alternate dimension where we will see the aliens in their true form. Consequentially Bush senior nor duffus will never have been president because the aliens are socialist. Karl Marx is the money czar in my world.

  5. If aliens will be behind The Rapture, as Glenn suggests, maybe aliens are the Christian God.

  6. Aliens fathered my child but in accord with ancient alien ritual we had to throw it off a cliff because it was the first born. Now I'm childless and he swears he'll return just as soon as his first space welfare check comes in.
    Yeah, like NEVER.

  7. ryan.... come and confess your sins young fookar