Hot Rod's Guide to the County Fair

By Hot Rod 

Hi everyone! It's summer time and you know what that means - lightning bugs. You can make earrings out of them by squishing them onto your ear lobes. It's cheap and convenient, AND you get to kill something! But that's not the best part about summer - the best part is the County Fair. The County Fair is where dreams come true, especially if you have recurring dreams about NASCAR themed mirrors. It's the non-Muslim version of Mecca, where everyone is equal and there to share the same experience. Also, a lot of people wear flip flops and hate people from different religions. The last time I went to the fair I saw both the old man I stole $20 from at the gas station, and the police officer that arrested me. We were no longer adversaries - we were Men Who Consumed Funnel Cakes.

The only royalty at the fair are the Carnies. These people are old sages that have experienced life in a way most of us never will (high on PCP). If a Carnie asks you to do something, you better just do it. Don't even try to argue with them, they're too clever. You'll just end up owing them more money than what it would have cost to play their water-rifle game to begin with. And you'll go home without a giant stuffed Dino from the Flintstones.

While I'm at it, let me give you some more helpful County Fair tips:

1. The safest place to be in the bumper car rink is the corner. Preferably behind a few unoccupied cars to provide a buffer zone. As soon as they flip the power switch, make a bee line straight to the nearest corner and barricade yourself in. That way even if you get hit, due to the scientific principle of transference the impact will be absorbed by the side rails. It might not be as fun as running into the other cars, but that's not the point. This is bumper cars, dude, and you're in it to win it.

2. If you stand at the right spot near the Ferris wheel, you can see up womens' skirts. This is the closest you're going to get to the real thing, so you might as well take advantage of this while you can. You can pretend you're just looking at the fireworks. If there aren't any fireworks and someone asks why you're staring, tell them about your schizophrenia.

3. The demolition derby is the only legal place you can smash cars. I found this out the hard way. The demo derby is just so awesome it's hard to resist the impulse to smash a few car windows on the way home from the fair. Just don't do it. Or if you do, make sure it's a poor people's car.

4. Drink a bottle of cough syrup. This way you can get high even though the Carnies wont sell you any of their weed. This will really heighten the emotional suspense of the beauty pageant, and it's the only way possible to enjoy the Tilt-A-Whirl.

5. Have fun, dude! This is the only day of the year when you wont be crippled by anxiety, so make the most of it. Eat as many Elephant Ears and Corn Dogs as you possibly can. DO drink from abandoned cups in the beer tent. Go ahead and throw up if it will make you feel better - this is a safe environment that welcomes and even solicits vomit. And most important, have as many sno-cones as you can - these are the Kush equivalent of freezie pops. Primo grade, you wont find anything better north of Colombia. I heard a guy say that phrase going into a port-a-potty near the beer tent.

This is your day to shine. Pick out your best t-shirt of Calvin peeing on things, put on your starchiest pair of Dickies, and apply as much Vaseline to your hair that it can handle. It's the County Fair, baby, where the 8-Balls set THEMSELVES on fire!


  1. The Butler County 4th of July Fair is this weekend in The Bluff! I can't wait to utilize all of Rod's hot tips!

  2. Wow! I have been missing out all my life. Thank you very much for this very informative and witty article. I now know not to fear my addiction of sizzurp and I shall embrace it in its proper setting. Because you gave me a tip, I might as well share one with you as well. If you mix the sizzurp with chopped up pills and a just a tiny bit less of an entire bottle of everclear you can get a free stomach pump from the highly trained doctors at the fair. They say they will send you a bill, but just ignore them, along with the sub-sequential bill you'll receive!

  3. Haha, thanks, Hot Rod. This makes me want to renounce big city living and embrace the sweet pleasures of rural existence.

  4. County fairs are so fun. It's sort of like being in hell, but there's a ferris wheel and everything is deep fried, even if it's something that doesn't make sense to be, like a candy bar or beef jerky.

    This article was so funny. I'm a fan of Hot Rod.

  5. I haven't been to a county fair in so long I'm glad I read this guide or I'dve looked like a TOTAL city-folker. Thanks Hot Rod!