By Glenn & Jake
Everybody is looking for a new way to style their hair. Whether you're a metrosexual with a fistful of styling gel or a homeless person spreading rotten banana on a comb with only six teeth, how you style your hair is an important daily decision. When you think of a celebrity like-- and I'll choose one at random-- Donald Trump, the number one topic of discussion is always hair style and the only way to draw attention away from it is to bare your genitals when emerging from an automobile. In lieu of having to resort to that, we will now debate whether people should have the total freedom to wear any hairstyle they want.
Glenn: Choosing how you style your hair is one of the most important decisions an adult person can make. There are many people I know from high school or earlier who found a hairstyle they liked and then repeat that hairstyle every month for the rest of their lives. This is akin to Sarah Palin "choosing life" with her downs syndrome child. I am glad she has the right to do it, but it is not right for me. Personally I like to switch up my hairstyle, trying to pick up pieces of whatever is hip at the time and whatever was hip when I was born in 1982. If I didn't have this freedom, I don't know what I would do! I've had my hair as long as Cousin It during the 60s and as short as Powder during the 90s. Don't take this away from me and everyone I love.
Jake: I'm a huge proponent of individuality, one has to go no further than the bio on my Facebook page to check that fact. It literally says, "I'm a huge proponent of individuality." So how can I be against choosing your own hairstyle? It's so simple that I might as well not even say it, but that would put a quick end to this debate and the internet needs some content that isn't women getting pissed on. Every morning, millions of Americans stand in front of a mirror (a reflective surface), comb in hand and a spaced-out, slack-jawed expression plastered on their faces. We're wasting thousands of hours styling our hair every year, and it's time to put an end to it! We need to take our lives back from this vain attempt at improving our looks via hair. I regularly call congressman Pete Visclosky and demand that he propose a bill that will force everybody to have one hair style and stick to it for the rest of their lives. Let's get rid of this decision and focus on something important, like creating relatable mascots for big corporations.
Glenn: You raise some interesting points, but I find your hair-brained scheme to fail the smell test. In fact, it smells worse than burning hair! Who would decide what hairstyle people have? Health and Human Services? A Congressional committee? Your parents? You say you are in favor of individuality, but how can people express themselves if not with their hair? Without his classic mohawk, Mr. T would be dead by now instead of selling insurance or video games on TV while his legacy is tarnished with an A Team remake. Additionally, the popular "artist" Lady Gaga has made millions of dollars by switching her hairstyle. In your word, she would still be a brunette. When I grew my hair out at 19, I know it looked ridiculous. It was a rite of passage that no one wanted to witness, but ultimately made me a better person. Don't take that away from the millions of 19-year-old boys across this great land who want to see how ugly they can look with shoulder length, unkempt hair.
Jake: If you spent more time worrying about cleaning your dorm room and less time brushing your hair you wouldn't have caught the bubonic plague. I'm trying to convince everybody that not spending so much time on coming up with a different hair style every single day of your life-- which is going down the drain, much like your hair due to male pattern baldness-- would actually benefit your individuality, not diminish it. If Lady Gaga used the time she spends putting glitter into her hair to write songs she would be a respected artist instead of a gimmicky hack. I think of her as the Carrot Top of disco inspired pop music. If Mr. T shaved his mohawk, he would have a shot at getting a role in a film or television program. Their hair is holding them back, not pushing them forward. We're all drowning in a sea of garbage and unique haircuts are clearly to blame.
Glenn: Thank you for insulting those celebrities. That is why I mentioned them in the first place. However, by insulting them, you inadvertently reveal the strength of my argument: they, at this point, can choose to alter their hairstyle. Under your totalitarian society they would not, or would at least have to make some sort of official governmental request to do so. I don't want a panel of bureaucrats deciding my hairstyle any more than I want them giving me a driver's license or distributing EBT cards to those in need. I've seen Uncle Sam's hairstyle and it sucks; let's keep him out of my hairstyle decisions too. Also, what about all the hair salons and stylists who would be put out of business (or possibly killed) if this freedom is removed? I know they wouldn't all go out of business because there would indeed be a demand to MAINTAIN whatever hairstyle citizens were born with, but it would certainly discourage many of those stylists who make a living taking chances with people's hair. You know the type I'm talking about.
Jake: If you get your hair style the style the government chooses for you, then it's free. Getting a hair style change could be similar to a name change. It's the red tape that would keep most people from even considering it. If it was easy and free to change my name, I would be Franklin McGuire instead of Jake Merch. I would love to sound more regal, but the process is keeping me attached to this serf name. I don't see people rushing out to change their names and they should not be heading out to a barber to get an eccentric haircut. Buddhist monks all shave their head, and they're the healthiest people on this planet-- maybe every planet.