Good Morning America

By Bub 

Good morning y'all! That is an approximation of what right-leaning Democrat Blanche Lincoln would say if you ran into her right now. She is happy because she won her primary run-off and will now not have to face the sting of electoral defeat until November.

G'Day Mate! Is really how you are greeted in Australia, and it is exactly as charming as you think it would be. You wont be hearing that from Adriana Xenides today, Australia's Vanna White analog on the Aussie Wheel of Fortune, who died due to a mysterious stomach ailment.

She had apparently been suffering from depression for sometime and had recently been spotted painted up in Courtney Love clown make-up babbling incoherently to dogs tied up at newsstands. Considering the fate of Adriana and the loathsome existence of right wing lunatic Pat Sajak to the mind-crippling inanity of the show itself that forces seniors around the globe into premature Alzheimer's, it is safe to say that everything about Wheel of Fortune is poison. And not in the hip/sexy Bell Biv Devoe sense either.

Today's Current Events Themed Sexual Inneundo:

A Macondo Blowout

The Guatemalan Sinkhole

The Turkish Flotilla


A Polish Plane Crash

Today's Observational Humor:

On a recent visit to my family's home in rural western Illinois I noticed a disturbing trend. One night I was sitting on the porch and noticed a man riding his lawnmower down the street. It was nothing too conspicuous as an isolated event.

The next night I noticed two more lawnmower men driving down the street. Always in the same direction. It finally occurred to me that these men were not out for some late night lawn maintenance, they were headed up town to the bars. They were skirting the law after having their licenses revoked for drunk driving in order to get drunk and drive home without a license.

This supposed legal loophole sounds suspicious at best, but in rural western Illinois the police basically enforce whichever laws they feel deserve to be, whether they exist or not. So now, dangerous drunk drivers can no longer drive their trucks down the 20 mile per hour streets of Kentuckytown, but they can drive drunk on vehicles with deadly rotating blades down the middle of the road at midnight.

Today's Philosophical Quandary:

The prison system did not gain popularity until the beginning of the human rights movement at the end of the 18th century. Before then corporal punishment was the norm. But along with the human rights movement came the idea of the sanctity of the human body as representative of the individual human. So punishment moved from physical to mental. It is considered and is indeed inhumane to employ physical punishment for violations of state crimes. But would you, you rather receive 50 lashes or spend a year in jail?

Today's Cute Thing My Daughter Did:

She drew me a picture yesterday of a heart and wrote 'I Love Dad' on it. She showed it to me and I fawned over it and thanked her. Then she went to the refrigerator and grabbed me a Diet Dr. Pepper (even though I was already drinking one) and I said to her 'Oh, you're the sweetest girl in the world!' and hugged her, and then she looked at me kind of sideways and then asked quietly 'Do you want me to say you're the most wonderful dad in the world?' I did, but I knew this was all clever manipulation to get me to get her the candy that I already told her she couldn't have.


  1. This was great!

    Iris is a Mars Bar Machiavelli.

  2. Haha, your daughter has the political savvy of a young Blanche Lincoln.

  3. That reminds me of when my nephew would tell my sister how much he loved her and then ask if he could play video games. Emotional manipulation is the first skill modern children develop.

  4. i've seen those old men lawn mowering around cambridge at noon time. those boys don't mess around.

  5. Dammit, Keelin got to the Lincoln/Iris joke before me!

    BTW, that drunk lawnmower trend is nothing new to rural Missouri. Maybe it's just slowly migrating north...

  6. i love this. that story about your daughter is too cute.

  7. I would take a year with your daughter over 50 lashes any day OR a year in jail! What a doll!

    But 50 lashes vs. a year in jail? Well, I just think scars are too bad ass.


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