Good Morning World Cup

By Keelin 

Good morning. Or as a Mexican soccer announcer might say, "Goooooooooooooooooooooood morning!" You may have heard by now that the World Cup, the premiere tournament of non-American "football," is under way in South Africa. In addition to the thrilling competition, this event offers the rest of the world an occasion to agree on something besides hating us. Here in the USA we feign polite interest in this sport for about a week and then resume caring only for our traditional ball-centric sports for another four years. It's truly multilateralism at its finest.

Today's Weather

According to the internet, it's either a brisk or balmy 9 degrees in sunny Johannesburg today. Being an American, I am constitutionally barred from understanding centigrade temperatures, so you'll have to guess whether 9 degrees is warm or cold. On the one hand, it's the southern hemisphere. On the other, it's their winter. Who can tell? Isn't this fun!

Today's Soccer Term

Whenever I go to England, I am always pleasantly surprised to see they have their very own celebrities, getting drunk and not wearing underwear with those charming accents they all have! Anyway, some of the most famous women in the UK are the "WAGs," which is an acronym for wives and girlfriends of professional soccer players. As far as I can tell, the sole responsibilities of these women are to pose for pictures while shopping and to look distraught when the seedy British tabloids catch their husbands with strippers. These women have the courage of Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman and Nikki Haley all rolled into one.

Today's Soccer Prediction

Although Brazil and Spain are favored to win the World Cup, the scrappy team from Lithuania will have a Cinderella ride to the championship. Initially dismissed because they play in acid-wash jeans from the '80s and smoke unfiltered cigarettes during penalty kicks, these resourceful eastern Europeans will outwit their opponents with a little heart, a little pride, and a little help from their nation's vast network of organized crime.


  1. I am rooting for the North Koreans to defect while they have the chance

  2. Keelin, I loved this. I hate soccer, but I hate all sports that aren't scripted. Yes, all I like is pro wrestling, boxing and the Harlem Globetrotters.

  3. I can' tell who should be insulted by the comparisons to Whitman and Fiorina, but I know I am!

  4. this is great. i almost want to watch the world cup now. almost!


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.