Jake's Movie Previews

By Jake 

Katy is a mere few weeks away from stepping into 1998 and having internet access. Lucky for me, this has been one of the greatest movie-going summers in cinema history. Every film committed to a hard drive via digital film and then converted into 3D has been a huge smash saturated in originality. From the brilliant, original film Iron Man 2 to the off-the-wall where'd-they-get-that-idea masterpiece Shrek 4, Hollywood is enjoying an amazing, quality filled summer that is sure to outgross every other summer, and not just because tickets are $5 more expensive than last year. Who needs $5 anyway? It's not like money and jobs are hard to come by.

The A-Team

Synopsis: The A-Team is a highly original art film about a group of alphabet soldiers who are outnumbered. Nearly all of the letters are accounted for, but when 'Q' goes missing, the A-Team is called into action. With 'P' and 'R' on the case, you know that 1, 2 and 3 are about to be subtracted. Based on the popular English alphabet and numbers.
My Take: This pandering to the intellectual elite has gone on for too long. When will they make a film for the people of average intelligence? I say we write Hollywood and beg them to make something we can sit back, chew popcorn that we paid $30 for and not have to think.

The Karate Kid

Synopsis: A kid learns karate, thus becoming the karate kid.
My Take: Will Smith's son is a dynamic Scientoligist. While this film has nothing to do with aliens or paying for ansers, it is about paying for entertainment. If you are excited about a highly original film, then this is the movie for you. I'm glad that Hollywood isn't afraid of trying new things.

Okay, no more sarcasm.

My Advice to You: If you're boycotting BP because they created a gushing stream of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, then why not boycott going to the movies. Hollywood is creating a perpetual stream of remakes and sequels and they're only doing it because people pay for it. If people paid to go see films like The Hurt Locker then that's what they'd make. That movie only made $12 million. What the fuck? I haven't seen a film at the cinema since Pineapple Express and I'd be fine with never seeing another one there. Buy some drugs and have some real fun. A drug dealer will use your money for something better than funding a movie about Marmaduke.

Watch these movies instead: The Gold Rush, Duck Soup, The Youth of the Beast, Two for the Road, Safety Last, Arsenic and Old Lace or even Robocop. Anything is better than the shit they're putting out now.


  1. Jake, I liked this but I think you need to take a stand on summer movies. Are you for or against?

  2. I love it when a good blog post comes together.

  3. Unfortunately that drug dealer will probably send his kids to see Marmaduke. However, I heartly agree. Movies are too expensive to suck.
    Ever wonder if a theater told people that they were opening with the newest piece of crap Hollywood has released and the public has been DYING to see (keyword, dying)it but the catch is there are five seats in the theater with AIDS ridden needles poking out of the bottoms HOWEVER; concessions of all kinds are 50% off - would the theater still sell out?
    I vote yes.

  4. "to the off-the-wall where'd-they-get-that-idea masterpiece Shrek 4" -- i laughed so hard.


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